Previously,
on El Bachelor...
Last
night was the first night of competition, and we are hitting the ground
running. Forgive me for the lengthy recap, but there are too many young
chippies to keep track of to cut too much.
We
start out off learning that Clare will be going on the first one-on-one
date. Clare, who showed up with a fake pregnant belly got the first
one-on-one. Alright, then. As Clare gets ready, the rest of the
girls pretend to be happy for her. For a bunch of aspiring actresses,
they are really not pulling it off. JP arrives to the mansion and
blindfolds Clare before they head off for their date. That sound you
heard right then was that 50 Shades Weirdo from last year realizing that she
went after the wrong Bachelor. Anyways, they hang out at some winter
wonderland that honestly seemed pretty boring and then sat in a hot tub having
a romantic discussion about Clare’s dead dad. Meanwhile, back at the
house, some of the girls are having a casual chat and, oh, Free Spirit Lucy is
topless. RMC, you really should have lobbied for points gratuitous
nudity. You’d be cleaning up. JP tells Clare, “I’m having a very,
very much good time with you” and gives her a rose and – hey, what’s that –
Josh Krajcik is there to serenade them! Yes, that Josh Krajcik! It
was weird and they made out under fake snow while these guys who must be the
cousins of some producer played them a private concert.
The
next one-on-one went to Kat, who was whisked away by JP to a private jet.
Now, if I lose this game by just a few points, I will never forgive whoever
vetoed the points for the first person who gets on a private jet.
Kat, in her confessional interview, suggests that maybe they’re going to New
York City. Yes, Kat, it seems very likely that Juan Pablo is taking
you on a 6-hour cross-country flight. She seems...smart. While on
the plane, JP forces Kat to change into a florescent outfit that was last seen
on an episode of 90210 (the one where Brandon took the Euphoria) and they land
in the capital of fun – Salt Lake City, Utah! I’m sorry, but this date is
a nightmare. He took her to Utah to go for a run and made her dance on
stage in front of a huge group of people and there was no booze!
Seriously though, good for Kat. I’m not sure there are many women that
could pull that off and come away with a rose.
Next
up, group date! The rest of the girls, other than Amy, Danielle and
Sharleen show up at a warehouse filled with photography equipment and Alli, the
smartest of the bunch, says, “I think we’re gonna do a photo shoot?” Yes,
Alli, good job. The art director for the shoot clearly just arrived off
the set of the Hunger Games (cool blue goatee, dude) and takes them to meet
their co-stars, a bunch of puppies! Naturally, in order to promote pet
adoption and no-kill shelters, the girls and JP dress up in bikinis and other
skimpy outfits to take pictures. Kelly, the dog lover, somehow ended up
dressed as an alien? In a moment of pure evil genius, Elise the first
grade teacher, and Andi, the district attorney, the only two women in the house
with real jobs that require a good reputation, are provided with tiny pieces of
cardboard which just cover their naughty bits. Neither is happy, and when
Goatee completely ignores Elise’s protests, the wheels turn in her head and she
says, “Hey Lucy...” which, I mean, duh. Why wasn’t that the first thing
she thought to do? Free Spirit Lucy is almost allergic to clothing, of
course she’ll switch! I’m not sure that the clip of her walking the dog
around the block fully naked even had anything to do with the photo shoot – I
feel like that’s just something she wanted to do. Not that Andi didn’t
handle it well, too. By playing the “I’m uncomfortable with this date”
card, she got some extra face-time with old JP. Also, she definitely did
not seem that uncomfortable with it when the time actually came.
The
group date then moved over to a roof-top pool/hot tub, and that’s when things
got interesting. Cassandra revealed that she has a 2-year-old son (please
don’t forget that she’s 21) and Renee failed to read body language (umm, if he
is pulling his head away from you the whole time you talk, you’re probably not
going to get a kiss). Side note: Cassandra’s baby-daddy is NBA player
Rodney Stuckey, so I guess she pretty much hit the lottery as an NBA
Dancer. But then my girl Victoria stole the show. She got quietly
and quickly slammered to a level normally reserved for the first episode of the
Real World while insisting that that’s just how she is sober. Okay,
sure. In her drunken interview, she made the astute observation, “That’s
what life is all about. Straddling people. And things.” She
also bragged about giving Juan Pablo the Hymen Maneuver at the photo-shoot and
then I had to take a beat because I died. When I came back to life,
Victoria was crying on the bathroom floor. My favorite moment from the
commercial, which was Victoria screaming that she hopes Juan Pablo dies was
apparently cut from the actual episode, so that’s disappointing. Then it
finally happened...the fourth wall came down. We didn’t see the producers
when Emily Maynard was chasing that wrestler guy around the grounds of a hotel,
or when Tierra almost died of hypothermia, but when Victoria tried to get on an
elevator without shoes on, 20 producers converged to stop her. You go,
girl. You do you. Anyways, Kelly somehow ended up getting the rose
on the group date despite the fact that it is unclear whether she ever actually
spoke to Juan Pablo.
The
next morning, Victoria lost all the credibility that I had given her from the
night before by apologizing for her drunken sloppiness (you just have to own
that, friend) and also played it completely wrong. Have you never seen
this show? The only way to redeem yourself here is to say that you were
super nervous and had too much to drink. Not that you have anger
management issues and a short fuse. Unsurprisingly, she got the boot
right then and there. Is this considered an early exit? While it
wasn’t her own choice, it was outside of the setting of a rose ceremony.
I vote yes.
Finally,
it was rose ceremony time. Cassandra became the second girl this week to
be comforted by Juan Pablo while crying in a bathroom, so that’s cool.
Also, why would they insist on shooting this conversation through a two-inch
crack in the door when there was clearly a cameraman in the room? Chill
out Tarantino, this is ABC television. Also, Renee is really playing the
part of house mom. She claims to be 32 but I don’t think there’s a chance
that she’s a day under 38. The only other notable part of the evening was
when Amy L. showed us that she is not only a useless contestant, but also a
useless reporter. Was that for her reel? When it was time to give
out the roses, Cassandra got the first rose, proving once again that if you cry
about not knowing how the Bachelor feels, you will be rewarded. The last
rose came down to Amy L., Chantal and Christy, with Christy coming out
victorious. Nobody remembers what Amy said because, who’s Amy?
Chantal was surprisingly emotional after her elimination. Chantal, the
odds were stacked against you from day one. You had to know this was
coming. Better now than after humiliating yourself on three more group
dates. Remember the Soulja Boy video? I’ll never forget it.
Scoring
recap: RMC surprises us all by picking up 5 points (group date rose for
Kelly). Depending on what the criteria for an early exit is, I might have
picked up 5 points for Drunk Victoria. Mark, Deezy and I have each lost a
contestant (though each was a third round pick, so not the worst outcome).
Predictions
for next week on El Bachelor: Juan Pablo speaks broken English in a soft
voice, somebody cries and somebody isn’t there for the right reasons.
Can’t wait!
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