It’s been a long
and arduous journey, but we finally made it guys. It’s Fantasy Suite time!
As we all know, there was a particularly strong build-up to this one based on
the previews. Our guesses on what happened between Juan Pablo and Andi
during their overnight date ranged from sexual assault to...well, sexual
assault, and while we may have been slightly off on that, at least something interesting
finally happened.
Juan Pablo was
especially excited about the overnight dates, because there would be no cameras
so they could really talk. Sure, Juan Pablo who communicates almost
exclusively in besitos just wants to chat for a while.
We start off with
his date with Clare, who says that she is not sure whether she will opt to
forego her individual room and spend the night in the Fantasy Suite with
JP. I love this thing that the women do where they’re all “I wouldn’t
spend the night / take him home to meet my family / accept this rose unless I
was sure about this” as if they all don’t just end up doing it. Anyways,
Clare tries to bring up her hometown date and talk about her feelings about this little interaction with her troll
sister, so JP does what he does best and just interjects “Oh, your mom is
so cute!” It’s nice to see people emotionally connect like that.
After some highly calculated talk about Camila (Clare is really going for the
gold), we speed right along to JP presenting Clare with the Fantasy Suite
card. To literally nobody’s surprise, Clare accepts, though not before JP
backtracks on everything he said to her in Vietnam. I guess when there’s
guaranteed sex on the table, he’s a little less concerned about what his
“dotter” thinks. So yeah, they did it (almost definitely). Nice
foreshadowing by ABC here where, immediately after their fantasy suite date
night, they show a bunch of crabs scurrying across the beach. Subtle guys,
very subtle.
I’m going to go out
of order here and talk about Nikki first so we can save the main event until
the end, since that’s all that really matters. Nikki’s date was about as
exciting as Clare’s (so pretty much not at all). Keeping with her cowboy
theme, JP takes her to go ride some horses and – holy crap, what the hell is
she wearing? Is that a suede fringed bikini top paired with patterned
harem pants? She looked like an extra on an adult version of the Aladdin
remake. Was it laundry day there? Juan didn’t seem to mind it, though he
would have preferred that she rode the horse in just a thong, you know, because
he’s a gentleman. I honestly remember very little else from this date,
except that I’m starting to think Nikki and JP may not actually be that
mismatched when it comes to intelligence levels. This is not a compliment
to either of them. Anyways, they did it (probably).
But who cares about
Clare and Nikki when we all came here to see Andi! The date itself was
pretty awkward, with the weirdly forced interaction with the young boys who wouldn’t speak (and yet Andi raved about how
good he was with them) and the conversation/interview about just how badly Andi
wanted to fall in love. This really seemed like an appropriate time for a
parental lesson about not only not talking to strangers, but also not taking
mysterious juice drinks from them. I found this very, very weird. JP also
does this really cool thing where he prefaces his talks about the future with
her by saying “If I decide I like Andi...” which must make her feel really
good. Apparently it does, because she accepts the key to the Fantasy
Suite without hesitation and boy is she excited for the night as we fade to
commercial.
The next morning,
things had changed, though Juan Pablo was entirely unaware of that
development. It turns out that over the course of the evening, Andi
finally figured out that Juan Pablo is less of a dreamboat and more of a
narcissistic asshole. In his commitment to honesty, he made sure to tell
Andi that he’d already had his overnight with Clare, which I’m guessing came up
after he and Andi had already gotten it on. He also ALLEGEDLY told her
she was there by default after he got rid of Renee, which he denies saying,
based on the argument that he doesn’t know the word “default” and really he
only told her that she had just barely made it there, so that’s much
better.
Then Andi starts a
conversation that may just blow up the entire world of the Bachelor franchise by
pointing out that he actually knows nothing about her at a point where he could
potentially propose in one week. She gripes about how he only ever talks
about himself and that he doesn’t even know her religion or how she feels about
social issues (though we know how he feels about social issues...I’m talking
about the gays...he doesn’t like them). He tries to big time her by
asking if she knows what his religion is, at which point he got SERVED. In your face,
Juan Pablo. In. Your. Face. She’s also not so stoked that he loves to
brush aside concerns with a “Shhh, it’s okay” and some besitos (too bad she
never got the chance to experience an “I’m going to be mad if you cry” or “Look
at me, look at me, look at me”) and by that point, she was 100% done, which you
may or may not have been able to tell by
the look on her face. In the end, Juan Pablo wasn’t that bummed about
her leaving because she argued with him, so I think his future relationships
probably have a really good chance of survival as long as nobody disagrees with
him ever. Can I just point out that this
argument by Andi was probably the most concise, logical, and well-arranged
statement of facts by anyone on the show, ever? And JP was just
completely dumbfounded. Sharleen is probably still the smartest panda
bear on this show (she was, after all, the first one to figure it out, and I’m
sure her feelings of regret may lapse once she actually watches this
season). Congratulations to Andi for pretty much locking up the next
Bachelorette spot.
The Juan-on-Juan
talk between JP and Chris Harrison was yet another doozy on this episode, which
as a whole seemed to really focus on Juan Pablo’s inability to use his words to
express thoughts. It was already pretty clear that Chris does not like
JP, and that was only amplified by this ridiculous conversation: “How are you
feeling about this?” “I feel good.” “What does that mean?” “I feel good.” “You
must feel more than good at this point?” “Yes, I feel very good about the
prospects.” How weird that Andi thinks that he’s incapable of expressing
emotion!
I don’t know if you
caught this, but Nikki nearly crying when she learned that Andi left was the
most emotion that has been shown by anyone at an elimination. I was
surprised that he actually admitted that she left instead of making it seem
like he sent her home, but God bless JP for not even trying to spin it as “You
two are the ones that I wanted anyway I’m so happy you’re both the final
two.” He basically said, “Ehhh, if you guys want to be here great, but I
could take it or leave it, ees okay.” So we’re down to our last two now,
and frankly I couldn’t care less who he ends up with. I’m guessing that
whoever it is, they’ll be broken up before the second US Weekly cover (that’s
how we measure relationships now, right?). Congratulations to Dickson for
sweeping the final two and claiming an impressive victory this year. I
can only hope to learn at your temple and go worst-to-first next year.
Next week, the women are telling all, so
probably no recap. Until then, much like Andi in the Fantasy Suite, I’m
going to close my eyes and hope this ends soon.
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