Can you believe we’re already approaching
hometowns? This season has really flown right by! We’re just a few
short weeks away from a possible proposal, and only one week away from what
looks like an incredible Fantasy Suite episode. What happened with Andi
out there??? Are we going to get our first Bachelor lawsuit?? The
anticipation is probably going to kill me.
This week brought us a long-awaited early
exit by Sharleen, a moment she has teased us with since the first
episode. Turns out South Beach was too hot for that Panda Bear. She
did get another 1-on-1 date this episode and responded with great excitement at
getting chosen by being all, “Oh, okay I guess” and then standing pensively on
a balcony before heading out. The rest of the ladies then discuss how
Juan Pablo is not really Sharleen’s type because she likes intellectuals.
It’s good to know they actually realize what a dumbass this guy is! Back
on the yacht, Juan Pablo does his usual “Look at me, look at me” and I think
that he and Sharleen just made out a lot. It was hard to tell if they
kissed because we didn’t get about a million tight shots of their tongues in
each other’s mouths. When they did finally come up for air, Sharleen
expressed concern at the fact that they pretty much always just kiss and don’t talk
and even just straight up said “I wish I was dumber,” and Juan’s response, as
usual, was to be completely oblivious to her hesitation and instead thanked her
for her honesty. Yup, a true intellectual. When she finally made up
her mind to leave, she went and told a few of the girls who were barely able to
conceal their excitement. Clare probably ran to get a producer screaming
“NO TAKE BACKS!” to make it happen before Sharleen changed her mind, and Andi
just gave a half-hearted “Are you sure?” After an entirely whispered
conversation with some more face-grabbing and “Look at me, stop crying”
commands, Juan said the most unintelligible phrase that I’ve heard, and which I
had to go back and transcribe: “Sometimes honesty is not appreciated. And
I like it. I’d rather not being appreciated and being honest than being
appreciated and not being honest.” Somebody please explain that to
me. Also, it’s pretty questionable as to whether he even realized that
she was breaking up with him since she used too many big words for him to
comprehend.
When Nikki was chosen for the next 1-on-1, my
heart truly sank, mostly because I realized that we aren’t getting any 2-on-1
dates this season. What the hell is up with that? It’s pretty
unfair to those of us loyal viewers to not reward us with a date full of open
aggression between women. Luckily, Clare and Nikki knew what we needed
and helped us out with that later on.
First, though, Nikki went on what might be
the most awkward, terrible date in Bachelor history, easily eclipsing Kat’s
date earlier this season in Salt Lake City. After Sharleen got to spend a
day on a yacht, Nikki was made to spend an afternoon watching Camila’s dance
recital alongside JP’s parents AND HIS EX-WIFE. Yikes. Bet she was
really regretting those tiny shorts at that point. You know, for a guy
who claims to be so protective of his daughter and every other child on Earth,
bringing one of the 6 women he’s dating to meet Camila is a pretty interesting
choice. After the recital, they went for a picnic at Marlins stadium,
where Juan supposedly “works”. Juan made her play catch on the field,
despite the fact that Nikki was wearing a top that appeared to be held up by
nothing more than some double-sided boob tape but still somehow avoided a wardrobe
malfunction. There were more conversations where Nikki asked thoughtful
questions about the future and Juan is just like “Oh yeah, my ex who is the
mother of my child is totally cool with me going on TV and hooking up with a
dozen different women in a medium preserved for all eternity” and otherwise
responded in a way that made it clear that he didn’t understand the question,
and then I think Nikki told us that she’s in love. It was pretty shocking
that we didn’t see Nikki rub the family meet-up in the other girls’ faces,
mostly because Clare would have had no choice but to reveal that she’s already
made a visit to Poundtown, Vietnam, but it either didn’t happen or wasn’t
filmed. Bummer.
The group date was pretty uneventful once
again. Chelsie showed up with her diary, and Andi required her daily
assurances. Clare, in a bold push for a hometown date, brought up the
video her dad made for her before he died, which could only mean one thing – we
are totally going to see this video. Once again, Clare thinks she has the
group date rose in the bag, so when Andi’s name gets called, the cameraman does
us a kindness by immediately focusing
on Clare's reaction. She is definitely going to murder
somebody. Chelsie, Clare and Renee are sent back on the seaplane (where
Clare goes “Let’s f*cking wrap this sh*t up and get out of here” as JP and Andi
wave at them from the beach) while Andi puts on a Miami-length dress to listen
to the smooth sounds of Romeo Santos while dancing in the most stiff and
awkward manner possible in the middle of the crowd. Of course, that was
not the most awkward thing that happened that night in light of the
conversation back at the house when the rest of the girls got home.
Sensing that some shit-talking about Andi was about to happen, Nikki bounced
out of an already hostile situation, but Clare wasn’t done because she is a
32-year-old single hairstylist from Sacramento and she will NOT be
disrespected. The two of them swipe at each other for a while, and then
the argument ends with an exchange that I am pretty sure I had with my brother a hundred times when I was
younger.
The cocktail party only continued and
escalated the earlier awkwardness. I don’t know about you guys, but I
just about died when the other girls went to the bathroom and left Nikki and
Clare as the only people left on the couches and, like the adults they are,
they sat in complete silence for about 90 seconds. Kudos to them for
really going all in on ignoring each other even without a phone to pretend to
be texting on. It was pretty incredible. It makes me sad to think
that the women aren’t going to be stuck with each other anymore now that things
are finally getting real. Before things could come to blows, though,
Chris Harrison materialized from the ether to let us know that it was time for
the most important rose ceremony yet. Aren’t they all the most important
rose ceremony yet? Are any less important than others? I will say
that this one had the most dramatic rose ceremony music yet, so it had that
going for it. Not too surprisingly, Chelsie didn’t get a rose (and Jamie
finally lost his first contestant). I may be getting ahead of myself
here, but I think Chelsie could possibly be a good contender for our next
Bachelorette. Of those that are left, Nikki is too bitchy, Renee is too
old (plus that kid, talk about baggage), Clare is too crazy and Andi is too
sane (but also wildly insecure).
Next Monday we go to the hometowns, but does
anybody really care about the hometowns after that preview for Tuesday’s
Fantasy Suite dates? Are there bonus
points for being roofied on camera?
Congratulations to Chris and Jamie, the last
men standing in the competition. It’s a real race to the bottom.
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