Well folks, the Eric Hill Memorial Tournament
is officially underway, and I suppose it would only be appropriate for me to
also start off with a moment of silence for our fallen comrade, Eric
Hill. Everybody good now? Because I feel like even I couldn’t foreshadow
his impending death any better than the Bachelorette editors. Luckily, he
gave them a lot to work with.
Now, in case you weren’t sure whether Andi is
serious about this journey, we kick off with a few moments of contemplation in
the garden as she gets ready to go on her first date with our dearly
departed. In what I (and Tasos) can only hope will be a continuing trend
this season, it looks like about half the shirts in the house spontaneously
fell off of bodies between the time she walked in the door and the time they
got in the car to leave. Very subtle, fellas.
Andi takes Eric to the beach, where they
build sand castles and fly kites. The most exciting part of this portion
of the date is that Andi seems to have finally caved in to the producers and
brought a two-piece bathing suit. Otherwise, I was busy cataloging Eric’s
plethora of humblebrags, including his camping trip with a witch doctor and his
motorcycle ride across Africa. Congratulations, pal, we’re all impressed.
Thankfully, a helicopter showed up on the beach, and nobody was happier than
me, mostly because I picked up the first helicopter points! The 20 minute
trip in the chopper gave Eric the opportunity to remind us at least three times
that he travels a lot before they get dropped off on Bear Mountain for a
snowboarding lesson, which gave Eric the opportunity to wow us all with his
snowboarding ability. At one point, Andi asked whether there’s anything
that Eric isn’t good at and, well, “paragliding” comes to mind. Andi made
a joke about plummeting down a mountain that I was surprised made it into the
final cut, and then at dinner Eric told her a story about the time he was
almost blown up in Syria. I’m not even gonna touch that. In the
end, he did get the rose, and as they faded out on the date, instead of going
in for the kiss, Eric left us with one final tidbit, “I once roasted
marshmallows over a volcano.” Give it a rest, man!
The next day, it was time for a group
date. I didn’t even write down the names of the guys, there were about 40
of them, and if you don’t think that every Vine for this recap is from this
part of the episode, then you might as well stop reading now. I, for one,
was glad to see that the Bachelor franchise is willing to objectify equally across
genders and that Andi is getting her revenge for the naked photo-shoot she was
forced to take part in, but I will also admit that there are few things that
bum me out more than old women at strip clubs. However, I do know one
person who seems to be no
stranger to male strip clubs. I am fairly certain that Craig was
drunk before this date even started, particularly at the point when he started
stuffing his crotch, but he seemed to also, umm, enjoy certain aspects of this date (the look on his face was
basically this). Also, bravo
to the producers this season, who seem to have allowed Cody/Macklemore on this
show specifically for this venue, because I don’t want to live in a world where
I never get to see whatever is happening
here.
My second-round pick, Nick S. was forced to do a solo routine as a robot, which
is not much to work with, but he really took it to the next level by going full
rectum during his routine. It was then I knew that I would be counting on
Josh to carry my team to victory in this game. It’s just too bad we
didn’t get a reaction shot from Tasos at the appearance of “part of the male
body that no woman should ever have to see”. I’m guessing he reacted
slightly differently from Andi. Although it was so beautiful on this
Memorial Day to see not one, but two military-themed dances, I am going to have
to give this one to the firefighters, if for no other reason than their incredible crowd work, particularly the attention to Chris
Harrison.
Later on, just when I thought that Bradley’s
personal opera performance was going to be the most awkward part of the
evening, everyone realized that Craig had not-so-quietly gone on a complete
bender. It was awful to watch. He was that drunk guy at the bar who
thinks he’s being charmingly affectionate, when really he’s just an annoying
close-talker who keeps asking for hugs. It was not nearly as fun to watch
as Victoria’s (Veronica’s?) drunken meltdown last season that culminated in a
bathroom stall cry-fest. I stopped watching after they sent Craig back to
the house to dry out (both his clothes and his liver). Andi continues to
be extremely attracted to Marcus which...okay...so he got the group rose.
Anyways, next up was either a commercial for
Santa Anita Park or a date with Chris the farmer. This date was about as
vanilla as it gets, down to the old couple planted next to them to talk about
Forever Love. Chris assured Andi and the viewing audience that he is,
indeed, here for the right reasons and I can’t lie, I am digging this guy.
I just fear that there probably aren’t that many gang-bangers for Andi to
prosecute in Iowa. Also, based on my highly scientific research (which
consisted of trying to remember any previous seasons), the contestants that go
on early dates don’t usually fare so well since they basically won’t get
another one-on-one until hometowns. C. Deezy points out to me that Clare
had the first date last year, so I guess Chris does have a chance if he manages
to get Andi into an ocean in the next few weeks. We did, though, get our
first random band concert! Congratulations, This Wild Life, I can’t wait
to not purchase your new album! In spite of the random roped-off stage
and the truly terrible dancing, Chris went in for the kiss and appears to be
the first guy to mash mouths with our dear bachelorette.
There are only three things I remember from
the cocktail party:
1. Marquel really had a lot going on,
sartorially speaking. Between the checkered shirt, the flowered tie and
the striped socks, I may have had a small seizure.
2. Josh managed to get some action even
though he was sweating profusely and being super weird. He truly is my
LeBron.
3. Craig should never sing again.
Ever.
At the end of the day, Andi sent home Nick,
the b-hole enthusiast, Carl, the gangly, tatted-up fireman, and Craig, the
embarrassment to his family. I am shocked and appalled that Bradley the
opera singer went further than these guys, but have to give us all some respect
for the fact that nobody drafted Craig. Guess we saw that one coming.
I am very much looking forward to the
upcoming episodes, where it looks like we are going to really find out if these
guys are here for the right reasons.
