Bachelor Recap - Immeasurably Blessed

This week’s episode started where we left off last week, namely with Kelsey on the floor and nobody else particularly caring about her well-being other than some litigation-averse producers.  If it wasn’t already 100% clear what she was up to, she actually said, smiling through her oxygen mask, “I’m gonna get a rose tonight for sure.”  Luckily, she realized that all she needed to cure her panic attack was a visit from Chris, and because he is very smart and perceptive, he saw right through her manipulation – psych!  Remember, this is the guy who thinks that Britt naturally wakes up with lipstick and glittery eyeshadow on.  He came in and told Kelsey how great she looked and gave her a kiss and sent her back inside, where she gave an over-the-top explanation of her fainting spell to an audience of women that clearly hate her.  Even crazy Kardashley thinks she may be lying about her dead husband.

At this point Kardashley is freaking out because she doesn’t think her story is sad enough.  Clearly this girl knows what every man truly wants: virgins and/or widows.  Also, it would be cool if we could go five minutes without seeing her crying.  At the long-awaited rose ceremony, roses went to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Kardashley and............Kelsey.  Sorry Teen Mom Mackenzie, looks like it’s time for you to go home to care for Baby Arugula.  Sorry Sam, looks like it’s time for you to go be mute somewhere else.  You both allegedly have sad stories, but if you don’t discuss your tragedies on camera, they might as well not have happened.

Bachelor Recap - Kelsey and the Case of the Dead Husband

If there’s anything I learned from last night’s episode of The Bachelor, it’s that there’s literally no reason to watch the “scenes from the next episode” segment, because it has become clear that the producers are just straight-up lying to us. 

This week found us in Santa Fe, New Mexico which, according to Chris, is “the perfect place to fall in love” and according to Megan, is a beach resort in Mexico.   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think Megan was dropped on her head one too many times as a baby.

We get right into the action, and Carly gets the first one-on-one date with the message “Carly, let’s come together” so I guess we’re not going to even be subtle anymore.  It turns out that Chris and Carly are going to spend the day with a love guru, and not the love guru we were all hoping for.   The love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (that is definitely the name she was born with), is a “love and intimacy mentor” but mostly just facilitated me throwing up in my mouth for twenty minutes.  Also, I would strongly advise against searching for her website, which I did this morning and I think I’m about to get a call from both IT and HR.  Chris and Carly were forced to do some pretty weird stuff and some very weird stuff.  Was this some kind of 50 Shades cross-promotion?  I thought the Today Show had an exclusive on that!  After some very awkward breathing exercises, Chris and Carly decided to finish the date without Tziporah watching them from 6 inches away, so they went and sat around a fire and Carly told a fun story that went something like this: “My, like, last boyfriend, like, didn’t want to, like, touch me and, like, I didn’t, like, feel that I was, like, worthy of love.”  Carly, take your rose and please. stop. talking.