It's Raining Ben - Week 4 Recap - Fear and Self-Loathing in Las Vegas

After a long weekend of sitting inside and re-watching Season 5 of Beverly Hills 90210, only venturing out into the snow in an emergency to procure an overpriced wine opener from the shop next door, the last thing I wanted to do was watch two hours of The Bachelor on Monday night…just kidding!  TV is my best friend and I’ll always make time for it.  It would just be nice if Ben would be even a teensy bit less…vanilla?  Is that the word?  In case you aren’t convinced of just how boring Ben is, I was listening to his interview on the Channel 33 podcast and he was very excited to tell the story of his tattoo, which is that it is a bible verse (of course) and is supposed to say “Proverbs 16:3” but the guy accidentally wrote “Proverbs 16:34” so he had to cover the extra “4” with a cross!  This is an interesting anecdote he told about himself...

Moving right along to the show, this week the group heads to Vegas, the city of drunken, sloppy love.  The twins are so excited to head back to their hometown they start talking over each other, much like my other favorite twins.  Olivia says “I want a one-on-one date and I want to see Celine.”  Me too, sister.  But just the Celine part.  RIP Rene.

It's Raining Ben - Week 3 Recap - Cankle Awareness Week

It’s a new day in Bachelor Nation as the sun rises over the scenic hellscape that is the Bachelor Mansion.  Our Dear Leader Chris Harrison makes his grand entrance to what is frankly a pretty lackluster reception (if these skanks think they’re gonna make it onto Bachelor in Paradise, they’d better figure out where their bread is buttered) and leaves the ladies with the first date card. 

The first one-on-one goes to Lauren B., and I’ll tell you what, there is nothing more romantic than the guy you’re dating having to use your last initial because he is dating so many other Laurens at the same time.  The “sky’s the limit” on this date, and I feel like that is definitely a date card line that has been used in at least three other seasons (looking at you, Jake Pavelka).  This time around, it means they are taking a ride in a bi-plane.  Lauren B., who is a flight attendant, is terrified to get on this plane, which gives me serious doubts about her abilities as a flight attendant.  Luckily though, the seat in this tiny plane is small enough to force her and Ben together to awkwardly kiss around their helmet microphones for the entirety of the ride, which included a fly-over of the Bachelor Mansion for some next-level datebragging.  They eventually land in the middle of the desert – maybe the same one where we last saw Kardashley and Kelsey? – where a hot tub has conveniently been set up.  Oh, so it’s going to be that kind of season.  Okay.

It's Raining Ben - Week 2 Recap - No, Kevin Hart! Just...No...

It’s been a long, cold winter (since it started getting cold two weeks ago), and it’s finally time to curl up with a warm blanket and our finest sparkly bandage dresses for a new season of The Bachelor.  We open at the Bachelor Mansion (it’s like the Playboy Mansion, except with sadder girls).  The ladies are sitting around the house talking about how Ben is the perfect man.  According to Jojo, “If you had a list, he checks off every single list,” so I guess we know pretty early on what we’re working with on the intelligence scale.

Luckily, it’s not long until the first date card arrives.  Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace are chosen to “learn about love” which means that today’s low-budget location shoot will be at a local high school.  Mandi is dressed to kill in a look that might be called palm-reading grifter chic?  The ladies pair up for the dreaded competition/date, and Jubilee and Lace think they have this locked up, since Jubs is the brawn and Lace is the brains.  Except Lace sort of isn’t the brains.  They fail to make Ben’s “volcano” “explode” (very subtle, ABC) and are immediately eliminated from the competition.  The second competition involves bobbing for apples, and Jackie the Gerontologist fails miserably.  I am almost positive I saw her try to use tongue to get that thing out of the water.  Next up, an indictment on public school education in the south, as Becca and Jojo learn for the first time that Indiana is a state and there is a region called the Midwest.  Honestly though, I think most people would fail this test.  Nobody knows where Indiana is.  Finally, it’s down to Amber and Mandi in a hurdle race.  At this point, is there anyone watching who doesn’t think Amber is going to win this?  Well, she doesn’t.  In fact, she got absolutely smoked and it was hard to watch.  For her efforts, Mandi wins…uhh…a ride around a high school track in a car driven by some old guy?  Meh.