After a
long weekend of sitting inside and re-watching Season 5 of Beverly Hills 90210,
only venturing out into the snow in an emergency to procure an overpriced wine
opener from the shop next door, the last thing I wanted to do was watch two
hours of The Bachelor on Monday night…just kidding! TV is my best friend and I’ll always make
time for it. It would just be nice if
Ben would be even a teensy bit less…vanilla?
Is that the word? In case you
aren’t convinced of just how boring Ben is, I was listening to his interview on
the Channel 33 podcast and he was very excited to tell the story of his tattoo,
which is that it is a bible verse (of course) and is supposed to say “Proverbs
16:3” but the guy accidentally wrote “Proverbs 16:34” so he had to cover the
extra “4” with a cross! This is an
interesting anecdote he told about himself...
Moving right along to the show,
this week the group heads to Vegas, the city of drunken, sloppy love. The twins are so excited to head back to
their hometown they start talking over each other, much like my other favorite twins. Olivia says “I want a one-on-one date and I
want to see Celine.” Me too,
sister. But just the Celine part. RIP Rene.
So the ladies get to Vegas and,
as is the law in Nevada when a group of women are in Vegas together, begin
shrieking uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. Once they get to the Aria Sky Suite, there’s
a date card with Jojo’s name on it.
Olivia was hoping it was for her, but she’s okay with it because Ben is
her peace. Now, I definitely thought she
was saying that Ben is her “piece” which I found awesomely aggressive, but then
she said that she’s “zen with Ben”, so I think she actually did mean peace, and
that was a bummer.
For their date, Ben takes Jojo to
the parking lot of the hotel to drink champagne. Oh but wait, here comes another
helicopter! In a sadly funny twist, the
rest of the women can see all of this (including Jojo and Ben kissing) from
their hotel room. This season is all
about rubbing in aeronautical dates, huh?
In a hilariously funny twist, the Bachelor producers apparently did not
account for the sheer force of the propellers and Ben and Jojo are nearly
killed when their champagne and the accompanying table get blown away. After the obligatory helicopter ride make-out
session, Jojo is treated to, umm, dinner in a hotel room. The true Vegas experience! Luckily, the solitude allows Jojo to open up
– sort of – about how her mysterious past is preventing her from giving herself
completely to the process. You see,
she’s 5 months out of 1.5 year relationship where she wasn’t the only person
“in their life” even though she really cared for “this person.” Very interesting use of gender-neutral
pronouns, Jojo….Before the end of the night, though, Ben has one final
“surprise” for Jojo – fireworks that all of the other women can hear and
immediately know that they are making out under! But Ben and Jojo don’t care; they are too
busy eating each other’s faces.
Next up is the group date with Amanda,
Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H, Jennifer, Rachel
and…Olivia. Ben takes them to a theater
which is never a good sign in the Bachelor world (let’s not forget this travesty) and come across the
worst possible sight – this friggin guy. Oof. So, it’s time for a talent show, which is only
okay because we learned that Jubilee plays the cello (that’s my girl, crushing
stereotypes left and right!) and we were treated to this this disaster (sorry for the shaky
video, I was doing this live, but you can watch a better video on Hulu if you’re willing to
watch a preview for the new Nicholas Sparks money grab). Sensing that her routine went over like a
lead balloon, Olivia, who prior to performing was showing off her moves and
going on and on about how stoked she was for this, proceeds to have a “panic
attack” in the green room that was clearly reserved for Boyz II Men. Which leads to the only logical follow-up
question, where was Boyz II Men? It’s
not like they haven’t been on the show before! Anyways, nobody really cares about Olivia’s
panic attack and it doesn’t even accomplish the mission of some alone time with
Ben, so I would say that strategy backfired hard.
At the competitive conversation
portion of the evening, Caila goes first and just goes ahead and jumps in for a
kiss, leading Ben to remark that while she seems shy and innocent, “She’s like
a tigress. She’s like a sex panther.” He really shouldn’t be saying that about
Caila before she graduates from middle school.
Lauren H leans into the ventriloquism aspect of the date and brings the
dummy with her for her conversation with Ben, in which they both make it clear
that they don’t understand how ventriloquism works (guys, you’re supposed to at
least try not to move your mouth). Also,
it seems like the rest of the ladies forgot that they hate Jubilee this
week? Meanwhile, because she hasn’t been
the focus of attention for like thirty seconds, Olivia is in the midst of a
full-on breakdown. You see, our resident
newscaster and attention whore was really out of her comfort zone during the talent show, and
she’s just not good at being showy or sexy. She also makes a point of stealing Ben away
from Emily (or Haley? I have no idea) to
truly emphasize that she’s not actually crazy.
Good strategy! Except that Lauren
B locks down the group rose by basically telling him that she’s ready to settle
down and marry him, which could only be a successful move in the Bachelor
universe. By the way, congratulations to
Tanner and Jade, who got married
as part of a promotional film for the 20th anniversary of the
Bachelor franchise. I think this one
will definitely last!
Becca’s one-on-one date starts
with the delivery of a wedding dress, prompting a pretty solid burn from Jubilee that “if she hasn’t
lost it in 26 years, I doubt it’s gonna happen in six hours.” Get it?
Because she’s a virgin (still no word on whether she can drive). She puts on the dress and meets Ben at a
wedding chapel and he gets down one on knee and says “Becca, will you
marry…other people with me today?” And
you could see that Becca definitely thought this was a real proposal for a
minute there. That was very awkward. Also very awkward was the fact that they
actually did marry some people that were certainly real couples and not bored
tourists who saw a flyer in a casino and wanted to make $100. I was surprised that a bible thumper like Ben
didn’t drop some gospel into the ceremony, but I guess it wouldn’t have fit
into the vibe of steampunk hipsters, the guy wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, and the
guy who seemed to be getting his first kiss.
To keep the romance going, the next stop on their date was some kind of
neon sign graveyard, and all that light was very handy when Becca spent the
whole night throwing more shade than a Real
Housewife of Potomac at old Prince Farming.
I’m sure Chris Soules loved watching her go on and on about how she
cares so much more this time around and that she’s never had a guy make her
feel this way before. Must have been fun
for Chris to think about how he almost proposed to her less than a year ago.
Finally, because it’s now week
four, someone realized that maybe it’s time to stop making Ben date twins
because it’s just really skeevy and gross.
I will never understand the allure of twins. I get that every guy thinks twin girls just
want to have a threesome with him, but they are SISTERS. There’s a word for that and it’s “incest” so
maybe let’s not do this on national TV or anywhere ever. In classic Bachelor form, the only way to
solve this conundrum is on a two-on-one date slash fight to the death. It is right at this moment that I realized
that Emily has broken her thumb (from her beast soccer performance, I assume)
and so I can finally tell them apart.
Ben takes Haley and Emily to their house where they very predictably
live with their mother who looks exactly as expected (deep tan, bleach blond,
age-inappropriate Ed Hardy jeans). Haley
brings Ben into her bedroom, which still looks like the bedroom of a
14-year-old and is full of pictures of Haley and her ex-boyfriend. Whoops!
Emily uses her time with Ben to basically throw her sister under the bus
and tell him why she is the better twin.
Ben agrees and, in front of her sister, her mother and their five
dachshunds, Ben kicks Haley to the curb.
Nothing more fun than your entire family watching you get dumped!
Thanks to the extra date this
week, we have a shortened cocktail party which I think is mostly just Olivia
stalking her prey and saying more psychotic things like “Olivia is here for
you. I’m not going anywhere.” Ben responds with a look of deep seated fear
in his eyes, which Olivia interprets as a declaration of undying love.
During the rose ceremony, I was
really hoping that Olivia and her hubris would get their comeuppance, but this
show needs any excitement it can get now that Lace is gone, so instead she took
home the last rose (“He saved the best for last”) and we said goodbye to Amber
and Rachel, neither of whom seem to have spoken to Ben in weeks. Amber, a 30-year-old bartender and woman of
color, is shocked and devastated by her elimination and crumbles into a chair
crying about being hurt again, so I guess we’ll see her on the next Bachelor in
Paradise.
Next week, Olivia compares Amanda’s
life to an episode of “Teen Mom” and instead of taking it as a compliment about
her relative age, Amanda uses it against her!
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