It’s been a
long, cold winter (since it started getting cold two weeks ago), and it’s
finally time to curl up with a warm blanket and our finest sparkly bandage
dresses for a new season of The Bachelor.
We open at the Bachelor Mansion (it’s like the Playboy Mansion, except with
sadder girls). The ladies are sitting
around the house talking about how Ben is the perfect man. According to Jojo, “If you had a list, he
checks off every single list,” so I guess we know pretty early on what we’re
working with on the intelligence scale.
Luckily, it’s
not long until the first date card arrives.
Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, Jojo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and
Lace are chosen to “learn about love” which means that today’s low-budget
location shoot will be at a local high school.
Mandi is dressed to kill in a look that might be called palm-reading grifter chic? The ladies pair up for the dreaded
competition/date, and Jubilee and Lace think they have this locked up, since
Jubs is the brawn and Lace is the brains.
Except Lace sort of isn’t the brains.
They fail to make Ben’s “volcano” “explode” (very subtle, ABC) and are
immediately eliminated from the competition.
The second competition involves bobbing for apples, and Jackie the Gerontologist
fails miserably. I am almost positive I
saw her try to use tongue to get that thing out of the water. Next up, an indictment on public school
education in the south, as Becca and Jojo learn for the first time that Indiana
is a state and there is a region called the Midwest. Honestly though, I think most people would
fail this test. Nobody knows where
Indiana is. Finally, it’s down to Amber
and Mandi in a hurdle race. At this
point, is there anyone watching who doesn’t think Amber is going to win
this? Well, she doesn’t. In fact, she got absolutely smoked and it was
hard to watch. For her efforts, Mandi
wins…uhh…a ride around a high school track in a car driven by some old guy? Meh.
During the
evening portion of the date at a place called Level Furnished Living, a scenic
and romantic executive housing community, we learn that it’s actually very
important for the ladies to get time to talk to Ben alone. Time for some very aggressive posturing! First up, Becca grabs the rock to shoot some
hoops with Ben because she’s just a Cool Girl, you know? One of the guys!
The rest of
the night is a parade of awkward chatting and making out and Lace’s loosening
grip on reality (Lace, normal human eye contact does not equal eye-f*cking no
matter how hard you try). We learn that
Jubilee has done her research and aims for the fences with a Tragic Backstory™
about being raised in a Haitian orphanage and how that somehow has something to
do with Ben going to Honduras. Do you
think she knows Wyclef? Sean Penn? EL CHAPO???
Before the night is over, Lace butts in on his time with LB (who sort of
looks like Kaitlyn from the side) to complain a little more about how they were
interrupted. How is such a chill,
laid-back gal still single?? After a
trip to the ubiquitous helicopter pad with Jojo, and some very awkward moments
when Ben was going in for a kiss and she was not reading that body language,
she got the kiss and the group date rose, much to Jubilee’s chagrin. If a Haitian orphanage doesn’t get a rose,
what does?
Meanwhile,
back at the house the date card arrives and Olivia is certain it’s going to be
her and she is going crazy and doing such odd things with her mouth that even
though I don’t have DVR I still had enough time to pick up my phone, open the
camera and get a picture. When Caila’s name is read, Olivia’s mouth
closes real quick but there are still a few questions left unanswered: Who is picking up Caila’s homework while she
misses so many days of 8th grade?
Is she the funnest babysitter in town, or nah? Why is Olivia’s face so greasy – hasn’t she
ever heard of blotting papers?
Caila’s date,
however, is just a long commercial for Ride Along 2: Still Ridin’ starring Ice
Cube and the man who I’ve decided is my personal nemesis, Kevin Hart. Is this better or worse than the Lone Ranger
tie-in? At least Jade got to take home
some Neil Lane diamond earrings when she was shilling for Cinderella. I will say this – ABC has cornered the market
on cross-promotion in
a way that other networks must envy.
When Cube and Hart walk in, everyone freaks out and Ben’s excitement is
palpable. Clearly an NWA fan for life,
he informs us that “Ice Cube has done everything from acting to rap.” Oh, you don’t say?
Anyways, the
super hilarious premise for this date is that they aren’t going to spend much
money to see how Caila reacts since she will definitely show her true feelings
in this televised environment. The
gut-busting antics they get up to include buying flowers on the side of the
road, going to a liquor store for Henny and condoms and taking a dip at a hot
tub store. Can you believe it!? Man, I
can’t wait to get my advance tickets to see Ride Along!
However, this
all leads me to an even bigger issue: What is up with Ben’s chest hair? It’s almost as patchy as Jared’s emo beard
and I don’t like it.
Later on,
B&C talk over an uneaten pile of something orange and she gets the
rose. They leave without touching their
food. Next they come across a theater
with “Ben and Caila” written on the marquee and guess what? It’s the band, Train! No, I wish.
It’s Amos Lee, who I have never heard of because I only listen to the
Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen albums on repeat on my Spotify (true story),
but I guess Ben likes him enough to almost break down crying at the first
chords of his favorite song. As
expected, awkward public slow dancing ensues and Caila says something to the
effect of “There’s no way he’s unloveable, not a snowball’s chance in
you-know-where.” Guys, “you-know-where”
is Hell, but Caila is not yet old enough to swear. Also, Ben’s unloveable shtick is already
getting old and I feel like we have only seen the tip of the iceberg on that.
The second
group date with Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Amanda, and those twins is some
weird science experiment with a doctor who surely has molested more than one
unconscious woman. As part of the
“smell” portion of the experiment, the women have to work up a sweat and then
let Ben smell them. In the hardest neg
of all time, Ben uses the word “sour” to describe Sad Samantha’s musk. That was way harsh, Ben. During the “thermal” experiment, Olivia
channels her inner teenage date-rapist in trying to pressure Ben for a kiss
(“Come on, you’re gonna make me wait?”) on her way to the high score and the
group date rose. Then that bitch actually
said “Winning!” and I audibly screamed at my TV. Get off Courtney Robertson’s jock, you
secondary market weathergirl! In other
news, we learn (very disappointingly) that Shushanna does actually speak
English but also that she arrived in America with one pair of jeans, two pairs
of shoes and two bottles of Vodka. A
woman after my own heart. Amanda also
finally tells Ben about her two daughters, Kinsley and Jarsley (okay, after a
little research it turns out the kid’s name is Charlie, but I was positive she
said Jarsley, so that’s what I’m going with from here on out).
The cocktail
party turns into a race between Olivia and Lace for the title of “most likely
to murder another woman in her sleep.”
Per Olivia, Ben is her man at this point, which is a reasonable thing to
say three days in. Per Lace, she’s
really struggling because…she was a weird-looking kid? This is not a good Tragic Backstory™. Per Olivia, the rose she has – you know, the
one that she has been holding at eye-level all night – doesn’t even mean
anything to her. I really need to see
more interactions between these two.
Moving right
along, Ben gets in some time with Lauren B. to give her a picture of them from
the first night. It was very thoughtful
of him to not only take this picture but also to hook up his trusty HP in the
mansion to print it out. What a special
and personal gift not at all coordinated by the producers of this show. Then he turns to Krafts Korner with Amanda and
her very sparkly dress. Since the best
thing that you can do for your two toddlers is abandon them to meet a guy and
then immediately involve that guy in their lives after dating for three weeks,
she is very excited to make some hair clips!
This can only end well for Kinsley and Jarsley!
The Rose
Ceremony was slightly eventful in that LB refused to accept her rose and
instead decided to head back to Oklahoma or wherever the hell (sorry,
you-know-where) she’s from. Despite not
appearing in the episode before then, Rachel still got a rose, and Amber was
able to overcome her inability to initiate even the smallest conversation with
Ben to stay in the game. The rejects
pile for this episode consists of Jackie, Mandi and sad Samantha.
Things I learned during the after-show: Chris Soules continues to lack all signs of
personality. Kaley Cuoco is desperately
trying to be relevant. Tanner and Jade
will be getting married on ABC and Chris Harrison is officiating. The twins are accomplished Irish jig dancers
and maybe have never eaten a vegetable.
Kris Jenner truly believes she could force one of her daughters to be on
The Bachelor.
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