Bachelor Recap - Immeasurably Blessed

This week’s episode started where we left off last week, namely with Kelsey on the floor and nobody else particularly caring about her well-being other than some litigation-averse producers.  If it wasn’t already 100% clear what she was up to, she actually said, smiling through her oxygen mask, “I’m gonna get a rose tonight for sure.”  Luckily, she realized that all she needed to cure her panic attack was a visit from Chris, and because he is very smart and perceptive, he saw right through her manipulation – psych!  Remember, this is the guy who thinks that Britt naturally wakes up with lipstick and glittery eyeshadow on.  He came in and told Kelsey how great she looked and gave her a kiss and sent her back inside, where she gave an over-the-top explanation of her fainting spell to an audience of women that clearly hate her.  Even crazy Kardashley thinks she may be lying about her dead husband.

At this point Kardashley is freaking out because she doesn’t think her story is sad enough.  Clearly this girl knows what every man truly wants: virgins and/or widows.  Also, it would be cool if we could go five minutes without seeing her crying.  At the long-awaited rose ceremony, roses went to Jade, Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Kardashley and............Kelsey.  Sorry Teen Mom Mackenzie, looks like it’s time for you to go home to care for Baby Arugula.  Sorry Sam, looks like it’s time for you to go be mute somewhere else.  You both allegedly have sad stories, but if you don’t discuss your tragedies on camera, they might as well not have happened.

Bachelor Recap - Kelsey and the Case of the Dead Husband

If there’s anything I learned from last night’s episode of The Bachelor, it’s that there’s literally no reason to watch the “scenes from the next episode” segment, because it has become clear that the producers are just straight-up lying to us. 

This week found us in Santa Fe, New Mexico which, according to Chris, is “the perfect place to fall in love” and according to Megan, is a beach resort in Mexico.   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I think Megan was dropped on her head one too many times as a baby.

We get right into the action, and Carly gets the first one-on-one date with the message “Carly, let’s come together” so I guess we’re not going to even be subtle anymore.  It turns out that Chris and Carly are going to spend the day with a love guru, and not the love guru we were all hoping for.   The love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (that is definitely the name she was born with), is a “love and intimacy mentor” but mostly just facilitated me throwing up in my mouth for twenty minutes.  Also, I would strongly advise against searching for her website, which I did this morning and I think I’m about to get a call from both IT and HR.  Chris and Carly were forced to do some pretty weird stuff and some very weird stuff.  Was this some kind of 50 Shades cross-promotion?  I thought the Today Show had an exclusive on that!  After some very awkward breathing exercises, Chris and Carly decided to finish the date without Tziporah watching them from 6 inches away, so they went and sat around a fire and Carly told a fun story that went something like this: “My, like, last boyfriend, like, didn’t want to, like, touch me and, like, I didn’t, like, feel that I was, like, worthy of love.”  Carly, take your rose and please. stop. talking.

Bachelor Recap - Ashley, we get it.

This week’s episode of the Bachelor finally brought us to the long-awaited camping date, during which, as we were led to believe, Chris would be engaging in some form of coitus within earshot of a group of women.  The previews showing silhouettes in the dark, the whispered moans, a disembodied voice telling us “Her mouth is not a virgin”...well, it was all a lie.  There was no tent coitus.  Not even close.  Just a virgin being weird.  What a letdown.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, there were plenty of other highlights of the day. 

In yet another example of how much the producers clearly hate her, we get to see Kardashley putting in her extensions before a day at the lake, put on her finest half-shirt and unbuttoned shorts and say deep things like “A guy driving is the sexiest thing he can do.”  I guess she’s just really into driving?  Anyways, I think it was no surprise to anyone that she was completely insufferable throughout the day, though she did manage to garner our first on-camera nudity points of the season (along with Kaitlyn, though I think we all saw that one coming).   Of course, while the rest of the women were having a wonderful day pitching tents and playing Red Rover, noted husband-killer Kelsey was not having it at all.  I think Kelsey would adjust very well to life in Iowa.

Bachelor Recap - Worst Pool Party Ever

This week on the Bachelor:  Chris makes out with pretty much every girl in the house and Jimmy Kimmel will not go away.

I know some of you are wondering why this is coming so late, and to that I say, write your own damn recaps! 

Moving right along, this week’s episode opened with a strange man visiting Chris in his bed while he slept.  Shockingly enough, it wasn’t Tasos, but was actually Jimmy Kimmel, and in case you weren’t tipped off by the whimsical music playing the background, he came to bring some of his trademark hilarious comedy!  Naturally, the ladies went nuts when he walked into the house, clearly overjoyed to be in the presence of a...B-Lister? C-Lister?  I have no idea where Kimmel ranks, but I do know that I met him in LA years ago and I was severely disappointed to have wasted a celebrity sighting on him.  Side-note: I went to a taping of the Jimmy Kimmel show when I was in college and the guests were Johnnie Cochran and Alf, so I’m free to answer questions or sign autographs at your leisure. Side-Side-Note: Are these women actually putting a dollar in the jar each time they say “Amazing”? If so, where are all the singles coming from?  Are there more strippers on the show than just Jade?  Too many unanswered questions

Kaitlyn, the resident sassy Canadian, got the first one-on-one date to the most romantic and exotic locale in all of Southern California...the local Costco?  Oh, see this is that prankster Jimmy Kimmel up to his old tricks again!  You see, they have to cook him dinner and also pick up some items from his uproariously funny shopping list!  Mayo? Ketchup?  Oh man, I gotta stop typing so I can catch my breath from laughing so hard!  Chris and Kaitlyn spend most of the time unsuccessfully trying to hide their disappointment at the date “Oh, grocery shopping and dinner with Jimmy Kimmel?  This is so normal and great, just like what we would do in real life!  This is much better than a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon.  MUCH BETTER.”  We didn’t even get to see what kind of samples they were giving out that day?  Were they good?  Did they stop to get a hot dog and a soda for $1.50?  I guess we’ll never know.  During dinner, Kaitlyn really played up her “cool girl” vibe, just shooting the shit (or rolling the cob, was that the saying?) with our buddy JK, encouraging Chris to make sweet love to as many ladies as possible (hey, it’s part of the process!) and mocking his girlish laugh (which I had not noticed before but she is 100% right).  Even though she didn’t tell any great jokes about seal genitalia, Kaitlyn still got a rose, and was rewarded with a soak in the hot tub, which was disappointingly not filled with ketchup, with Chris and Jimmy. 

Bachelor Recap - Please Give Jordan More Wine

Well #BachelorNation, it’s that time again.  Pull out your finest evening gowns and skimpiest swimwear, and say farewell to your father that clearly never paid attention to you, because it’s time for a new season of The Bachelor!  We all watched with bated breath last week as Chris narrowed the field of eligible desperate ladies from 30 to 22, err or 23, after one particularly desperate lady refused to leave despite some pretty clear indications that her invitation had been revoked.  We start this episode returning to that fateful evening where, by some miracle, Tara has still not toppled over under the weight of the 45 Jack and Cokes she drank throughout the night.  I, for one, was impressed.  Our dear Prince Farming allowed Sad Kimberly, who couldn’t let go of the connection she felt after spending 13 minutes with Chris, to return to the house to a half-hearted smattering of applause while the rest of us tried to figure out how that might affect our draft picks.  I think we were pretty safe to assume that a woman he tried to eliminate on the first night wouldn’t come back to win it all...

What’s that gnawing feeling in the back of your brain?  No, it’s not a stroke.  It’s a sign that it’s time for some Chris Harrison State the Obvious Speeches!  Yes, Chris, we’re all excited to be here.  No, Chris, we can’t believe how beautiful all the woman are or how amazing Chris is.  Yes, Chris, we are ready for our first date card!  No, Jillian, you do NOT touch that card until Chris is done talking!