Bachelor Recap - Worst Pool Party Ever

This week on the Bachelor:  Chris makes out with pretty much every girl in the house and Jimmy Kimmel will not go away.

I know some of you are wondering why this is coming so late, and to that I say, write your own damn recaps! 

Moving right along, this week’s episode opened with a strange man visiting Chris in his bed while he slept.  Shockingly enough, it wasn’t Tasos, but was actually Jimmy Kimmel, and in case you weren’t tipped off by the whimsical music playing the background, he came to bring some of his trademark hilarious comedy!  Naturally, the ladies went nuts when he walked into the house, clearly overjoyed to be in the presence of a...B-Lister? C-Lister?  I have no idea where Kimmel ranks, but I do know that I met him in LA years ago and I was severely disappointed to have wasted a celebrity sighting on him.  Side-note: I went to a taping of the Jimmy Kimmel show when I was in college and the guests were Johnnie Cochran and Alf, so I’m free to answer questions or sign autographs at your leisure. Side-Side-Note: Are these women actually putting a dollar in the jar each time they say “Amazing”? If so, where are all the singles coming from?  Are there more strippers on the show than just Jade?  Too many unanswered questions

Kaitlyn, the resident sassy Canadian, got the first one-on-one date to the most romantic and exotic locale in all of Southern California...the local Costco?  Oh, see this is that prankster Jimmy Kimmel up to his old tricks again!  You see, they have to cook him dinner and also pick up some items from his uproariously funny shopping list!  Mayo? Ketchup?  Oh man, I gotta stop typing so I can catch my breath from laughing so hard!  Chris and Kaitlyn spend most of the time unsuccessfully trying to hide their disappointment at the date “Oh, grocery shopping and dinner with Jimmy Kimmel?  This is so normal and great, just like what we would do in real life!  This is much better than a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon.  MUCH BETTER.”  We didn’t even get to see what kind of samples they were giving out that day?  Were they good?  Did they stop to get a hot dog and a soda for $1.50?  I guess we’ll never know.  During dinner, Kaitlyn really played up her “cool girl” vibe, just shooting the shit (or rolling the cob, was that the saying?) with our buddy JK, encouraging Chris to make sweet love to as many ladies as possible (hey, it’s part of the process!) and mocking his girlish laugh (which I had not noticed before but she is 100% right).  Even though she didn’t tell any great jokes about seal genitalia, Kaitlyn still got a rose, and was rewarded with a soak in the hot tub, which was disappointingly not filled with ketchup, with Chris and Jimmy. 

Next up was a group date with too many women to name.  Luckily for all of us, Kimmel was there too!  In case we’d all forgotten, Chris is a farmer, and his life revolves exclusively around things like tractors and chickens, so a Real World/Road Rules Challenge style obstacle course is just the thing to show him who he should make his future wife.  I mean, why would he even want to marry a woman who can’t milk a goat to completion and drink the warm, unpasteurized product?  Jillian, clearly aware that all a man wants in his life is a woman who could beat him up, is up for the challenge.  Her shorts apparently were up something else, as evidenced by the black bar that follows her around on-screen.  Are the producers trolling us on this, or does Jillian actually have a tail?  At this point though, Jillian makes me as embarrassed to be from DC as this lady from 90 Day Fiance makes me embarrassed to be named Danielle.  Despite Jillian’s late-stage heroics, Carly pulled out a win, leaving us all as surprised as Carly’s eyebrows make her look always.  I apologize in advance for not capturing a vine of Carly’s pantomiming of goat milking.  After some real smooth sweet talking (“You are a man, and I am a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage”), Carly gets a kiss from Prince Farming, which is probably not as rare and special as she thinks since he also made out with half of the other women on the date.  Carly was sure that she was a shoo-in to get the group date rose, but Chris ended up giving it to Becca, the only woman who wouldn’t kiss him.  I mean, why buy the goat when you can get the milk for free?  He likes a challenge!  Also, I’m pretty sure this means Becca is the mysterious other virgin in the house.  Mackenzie is going to be SO jealous.  Also, it’s a good thing we added the new “lady loving” category, because it seems like Jillian and Britt are going to get us some points soon. 

The other one-on-one date this week was with Whitney, who came out real strong, and in spite of her not at all annoying voice, appears to be a true contender.  She also managed to have the only date that wasn’t shared with Jimmy Kimmel, so good for her.  Of course, instead of enjoying a date at a beautiful winery, Whitney and Chris decided to crash a nearby wedding, because, in the words of Whitney, “YOLO!”  And please join me in praying that this was the last time any of us have to ever hear someone say “YOLO” for the rest of our lives (YOPO lives on – Bachelor in Paradise 4eva!).  While I was wary of the wedding crashing at first, I have to admit that she did pull it off well, and I would much rather have the Bachelor invade my wedding any day instead of these douchebags.  Whitney still proved to be a real Whitney when it came to the bouquet toss, because everybody loves the girl who aggressively goes for the catch, right?

Instead of a cocktail party this week, we were treated to a pool party and nobody was as disappointed as Ashley I., who had really been looking forward to doing her Kardashian look that night.  That night?  As opposed to every other day and night?  Okay.  Still can’t figure out why that one’s single!  Juelia (don’t forget that extra “e”) made sure to keep up the lighthearted fun of the party by recounting her ex-husband’s suicide in horrific detail, so that was cool for everybody.  Jillian and her black-boxed bikini zone flexed her muscles and refused to get out of the hot tub, as is her right, leading Kardashley to have a complete melt-down, ruining her carefully curated look (for tips, check out her abomination of a blog - thanks to Chris for the hot tip).

At the end of the day, there was only so much goat’s milk to go around, and it was time for a few more ladies to leave.  Somehow Ashley S. keeps sticking around, so maybe this is the season that someone actually gets murdered in this house?  Kardashley was certain that she would be the first to get a rose, so it was nice to watch her squirm, even though she did ultimately make the cut, while we said goodbye to Trina (better known as the only grandmother on the show), Amber (certainly didn’t see that one coming) and Tracy (whose name I couldn’t remember for the life of me without looking it up later).