Well
#BachelorNation, it’s that time again. Pull out your finest evening gowns
and skimpiest swimwear, and say farewell to your father that clearly never paid
attention to you, because it’s time for a new season of The Bachelor! We
all watched with bated breath last week as Chris narrowed the field of eligible
desperate ladies from 30 to 22, err or 23, after one particularly desperate
lady refused to leave despite some pretty clear indications that her invitation
had been revoked. We start this episode returning to that fateful evening
where, by some miracle, Tara has still not toppled over under the weight of the
45 Jack and Cokes she drank throughout the night. I, for one, was
impressed. Our dear Prince Farming allowed Sad Kimberly, who couldn’t let
go of the connection she felt after spending 13 minutes with Chris, to return
to the house to a half-hearted smattering of applause while the rest of us
tried to figure out how that might affect our draft picks. I think we
were pretty safe to assume that a woman he tried to eliminate on the first
night wouldn’t come back to win it all...
What’s
that gnawing feeling in the back of your brain? No, it’s not a
stroke. It’s a sign that it’s time for some Chris Harrison State the
Obvious Speeches! Yes, Chris, we’re all excited to be here. No,
Chris, we can’t believe how beautiful all the woman are or how amazing Chris
is. Yes, Chris, we are ready for our first date card! No, Jillian,
you do NOT touch that card until Chris is done talking!
The
first date is a group date for Jade, Tandra, Kardashley, Mackenzie, Sad
Kimberly and Drunk Tara, and the date card says “Show me your country”. I
had a lot of jokes that I was going to make about that, but I think I will save
them for a less “written” medium. Anyways, the date was fitting, as
Mackenzie was inexplicably already wearing overalls. Less country-related
was the pool party (and chicken fights?) that followed, which was a good thing
for Ashley I., who helpfully explained for all of us who definitely couldn’t
tell on our own that she’s “more Kardashian than country”. OH
REALLY? By the way, love your hoop earrings, girl! Reminds me of an
old saying, “the bigger the hoops the bigger the...” hmm I guess I can’t
remember the rest. Plus, I’d heard that she’s more of an EDM girl. Chris, the consummate
gentleman, then ushered the bikini-clad women through the streets of LA to the
mellifluous sounds of cars honking and construction workers catcalling for the
next part of the date...a romantic tractor race? Even though Kardashley
won the race, Chris sent her and her certainly not-fake eyelashes back to the
house so he could spend some one-on-one time with Teen Mom Mackenzie, who
apparently has a nose fetish. I guess everybody’s got their thing,
huh? Mackenzie took their time together to tell Chris about her young
son, Arugula. While finding out about a kid is probably not the #1 thing
Chris wants to hear, her lead-in made it sound like she was about to tell him
about some highly contagious STD she’s carrying, so he’s was actually probably
relieved by the time she got her sentence out. Did he say “I’m glad you
decided to go through with that”? Odd response. Oh and I’m sure he
totally wanted to look at pictures of young Fennel. By the end of the
night, though, they were dancing and kissing under the watchful eye of a very
stoic chaperone.
While
they were out, Megan and Jillian decided to sneak into Chris’s house, which was
notable for two reasons: (1) Megan is clearly not afraid to bang her head
against a wall and (2) why, exactly, did the cameras need to censor both the back AND the front of Jillian’s bikini? Spoiler
alert: I think Jordan has the answer
to #2. Also, please keep Jordan forever and give her all of the
wine. Jordan for the next Bachelorette!
Later
on, Megan got herself the first one-on-one date, even though it took her about
15 minutes to realize it. I think it’s safe to say that she’s not exactly
the sharpest crayon in the box. Chris takes her out on a ride and she points
out that she sees the word “airport”, and we all breathed a sigh of relief
knowing that she may actually be literate. They then
fly...somewhere...and jump on a helicopter (first of the season!) over the
Grand Canyon. I really wish they’d shown us how long it took her to
figure out that she was flying over the Grand Canyon. Of course, then she
told Chris that her dad had just died (like a week ago? Is that possible?) so
that was a major bummer. This season so far has been kind of a downer.
I thought we were here to mock these women, and instead we’re dealing with two
widows (one whose husband killed himself), a woman whose father just died, and
a woman who is likely dealing with either a fun drug problem or some serious
mental illness. In any case, now that Megan has spent a few hours with
Chris, she is ready to say that she’s falling head over heels for him and has
never felt this way before and blah blah blah.
For
the second highly romantic group date, Chris took some of the ladies zombie
hunting or something, which I’m sure was very fun for the various ABC interns
who spent the night being shot with paintballs at close range by Ashley S. as
she made sure to get all of her double-taps in. Ashley seemed to be deep
in a PTSD fog, and was convinced that she was in Mesa Verde, which is
apparently a national park in Colorado (and not, as I otherwise might have
guessed based on her reaction, some kind of sacred burial ground). Guys,
we need to talk about Ashley. In other news, Kaitlyn brought home the group
date rose despite the fact that she didn’t make any more amazing jokes about
tight seals.
The
cocktail party was relatively uneventful, though I think I missed part of it
due to all of the howling dogs that began to cry out when Whitney started talking.
Kardashley admitted to some of the other ladies that not only is she a virgin,
but she’s never had a boyfriend before. While some (or all) might see
this as a red flag, Mackenzie is blatantly jealous and also convinced that
Chris, a 33-year-old man, wants nothing more than to take the virginity of a
26-year-old with a belly-button piercing whose version of making out involves
eating his face. Of course, why wouldn’t he? Back on the other side
of the house, Jordan is entertainingly hammered again and unsuccessfully
putting the moves on Chris by threatening him with lipstick. Maybe she
should have done that twerk move for him? That was pretty cool,
right? You know, for a 24-year-old “student” (which I’m taking to read as
“super-duper senior” since I don’t want to believe that she is getting a
graduate degree), six years of college seems to not have taught Jordan how to
drink without being the sloppiest person in the room.
At
the end of the night, it was time to say goodbye to Sad Kimberly, Drunk Tara
and her tattoo that we were never able to discern, Alissa the flight attendant
that half of us thought was already gone, Tandra who looked more like a busted
version of Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny, and our sweet, innocent Jordan.
Points
Tally:
·
Mackenzie
– 5 (group date rose)
·
Megan
– 10 (first helicopter ride, dead loved one)
·
Juelia
– 5 (dead loved one)
·
Kaitlyn
– 5 (group date rose)
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