This
week’s episode of the Bachelor finally brought us to the long-awaited camping
date, during which, as we were led to believe, Chris would be engaging in some
form of coitus within earshot of a group of women. The previews showing
silhouettes in the dark, the whispered moans, a disembodied voice telling us
“Her mouth is not a virgin”...well, it was all a lie. There was no tent
coitus. Not even close. Just a virgin being weird. What a
letdown.
But
let’s not get ahead of ourselves, there were plenty of other highlights of the
day.
In
yet another example of how much the producers clearly hate her, we get to see
Kardashley putting in her extensions before a day at the lake, put on her
finest half-shirt and unbuttoned shorts and say deep things like “A guy driving
is the sexiest thing he can do.” I guess she’s just really into driving? Anyways, I think it was
no surprise to anyone that she was completely insufferable throughout the day,
though she did manage to garner our first on-camera nudity points of the season
(along with Kaitlyn, though I think we all saw that one coming). Of
course, while the rest of the women were having a wonderful day pitching tents
and playing Red Rover, noted husband-killer Kelsey was not having it
at all. I think Kelsey would adjust very well to life in Iowa.
The
night portion of the group date actually looked fun, minus the actual camping
part of it. So, I guess just the getting drunk around the fire part of it
is what looked fun. I suppose that just about sums up all you need to
know about me. Ashley S. continued to exhibit signs of clear mental
distress, declaring her love for the Bachelor on a pace that even Marcus would
think was a little fast. Kaitlyn, who took home yet another group date
rose for her tent-pitching abilities (in more ways than one) made me so happy
by saying that she doesn’t think Ashley is there for the right reasons. Ashley I., who
spent the majority of the day barely clothed, decided this date would be the
perfect time to tell him that she’s a virgin, but apparently also decided to
only use code words so that Chris had absolutely no clue what she was talking
about. I’m not even going to dwell on this because I am still SO
disappointed that nothing happened in the tent.
Back
at the house, though, Chris’s sisters (who are basically what I now believe all
women from Iowa look like) are in town to meet the non-camping ladies and pick
Chris’s next one-on-one date. During these interviews we learn that (a)
Whitney is actually from Kentucky, which explains the other half of her
incredibly annoying accent, (b) Jade models for a website for porn
clothing, and (c) Carly is just about the saddest person in the world, and for
some sick reason wants Chris to be her grandpa? I don’t know, I stopped
paying attention. Britt thought she had this one in the bag, which is
just so Britt of her, but Jade managed to win over the sisters and was rewarded
with the week’s only one-on-one date.
Hey
everyone, did you hear? There’s going to be a new Cinderella movie
starring Rose from Downton Abbey and Robb Stark! You know how I
know? Because the Bachelor played a f*cking 45-minute commercial for
it. Yes, Jade’s date included her own Fairy Godmother (aka some
60-year-old stylist with pink hair) and a room full of dresses sparkly enough
for a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. She also got to wear and keep a
pair of diamond earrings made by The Man, The Myth, The Legend, Neil Lane as
well as a pair of clear Louboutins, which were likely meant to be reminiscent
of Cinderella’s diamond slippers, but are also, conveniently for Jade, very
reminiscent of the shoes a stripper would wear. During the date, Chris
and Jade bonded over the fact that both of them had previously broken off
engagements, which is actually great preparation for the inevitable future
broken engagement if Jade makes it to the end. Good for them. The
rest of the date was I think just a long trailer for the movie that ended with
Chris and Jade dancing on a platform (why is The Bachelor so obsessed with
forcing people to dance on platforms?) in front of a 20-piece orchestra before
and in keeping with the stupid Cinderella theme, Jade was forced to run out at
midnight. Ehh, I’d rather be drunk around a fire.
The
saving grace of the entire Cinderella situation was that it apparently drove
Kardashley into a mental breakdown. You see, if she had met the sisters,
they obviously would have picked her for this date because she’s a Disney
princess! In a completely natural sequence of events then, Ashley decided
that while Chris and Jade were on their date, she would put on her ball gown
and eat corn on the couch by herself. This girl...I can’t even.
The
second group date involved Whitney, Jillian, Nikki, Carly, Britt and Becca
putting on wedding dresses and getting on a plane to San Francisco.
Jillian, who just sort of oozes feminine charm, is not happy until she learns
that they’re actually doing a Muck Fest, which is an obstacle course through a
serious of muddy pits and stuff. I’m pretty sure I saw Jillian get a
boner through her dress. Obviously, she absolutely demolished everyone
else, including Chris. Carly, despite literally everything about her,
really endeared herself to him with some seriously solid commentary. Jillian’s
reward for hulking out was a private dinner with Chris while the rest of the
group was sent home. In an interview, Chris said that Jillian was in his
top three, at which point I screamed at my television and had a small aneurysm,
but old Censor Butt managed to talk (and talk and talk and talk) her way right
out of it. Did everyone else catch this from her: “Would you rather have
sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for five years?” Just cool,
romantic dinner conversation. In a pretty wicked fake-out, Chris picks up
the rose that’s sitting on the table, but instead of giving it to Jillian, he
tells her to tuck her junk and get lost. Finally.
Back
at the cocktail party, Ashley I. somehow realized that her ramblings to Chris
about being “conservative” and “not a hook-up girl” while mounting him in a
tent didn’t effectively send her message, so it was time for YET ANOTHER
conversation about Ashley’s special flower. This time, she went ahead and
just told him she’s a virgin, to which he responded with something to the
effect of “Wow, I NEVER would have guessed that” which is not really an ideal
response, right? Like, you seem to be such a huge skank that I am
flabbergasted that you’re really not! Then Ashley spent about 20 minutes
flipping out about Chris not kissing her after her big reveal and I suppose
it’s a good thing that Teen Mom Mackenzie knows how to deal with
children.... Later on, since we haven’t talked about it enough, Ashley
revealed her Unsullied status to the rest of the women, and Becca was just like
“oh yeah, me too” and I have far more respect for her because (1) she doesn’t
talk about it all the time and (2) hers is by choice. Later, Britt tried
to ruin everything for me by deciding to confront Chris about “inappropriate”
actions that she heard about on the camping date, and you could actually see
the beads of sweat form on Chris’s head. He handled it very well,
proceeding to ramble on incoherently for about five minutes (seriously, if you
haven’t seen it yourself, this video of Jimmy Kimmel breaking it down does it justice) before
saying “I’m glad to have had this conversation with you” and storming off.
At
the ceremony, Chris handed out roses to Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha (who I
think is maybe a deaf mute? has she spoken yet?), Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca,
Kardashley and (after some tense moments) Britt. Left empty-handed were
Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S. Ashley S. was clearly very torn up by her dismissal.
Next
week, Kelsey goes insane and Carly maybe gets some.
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