If there’s anything I learned from last
night’s episode of The Bachelor, it’s that there’s literally no reason to watch
the “scenes from the next episode” segment, because it has become clear that
the producers are just straight-up lying to us.
This week found us in Santa Fe, New Mexico
which, according to Chris, is “the perfect place to fall in love” and according
to Megan, is a beach resort in Mexico. I’ve said it before and I’ll
say it again: I think Megan was dropped on her head one too many times as a
baby.
We get right into the action, and Carly gets
the first one-on-one date with the message “Carly, let’s come together” so I
guess we’re not going to even be subtle anymore. It turns out that Chris
and Carly are going to spend the day with a love guru, and not the love guru
we were all hoping for. The love guru, Tziporah Kingsbury (that is definitely
the name she was born with), is a “love and intimacy mentor” but mostly just
facilitated me throwing up in my mouth for twenty minutes. Also, I would
strongly advise against searching for her website, which I did this morning and
I think I’m about to get a call from both IT and HR. Chris and Carly were
forced to do some pretty weird stuff
and some very weird stuff.
Was this some kind of 50 Shades cross-promotion? I thought the Today Show
had an exclusive on that! After some very awkward breathing exercises,
Chris and Carly decided to finish the date without Tziporah watching them from
6 inches away, so they went and sat around a fire and Carly told a fun story
that went something like this: “My, like, last boyfriend, like, didn’t want to,
like, touch me and, like, I didn’t, like, feel that I was, like, worthy of
love.” Carly, take your rose and please. stop.
talking.
Next up was the group date with Jade, Megan,
Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha the Mute, Kardashley and
Kelsey. Speaking of Kelsey, I feel like I can now say with a good bit of
authority that she almost certainly killed her husband. Who can’t
remember the term “congestive heart failure” only 18 months after your husband
dies from it? There’s a story here, sheeple! Getting back on top,
this week’s group date was a white water rafting trip, which kicked off with a
pretty aggressive safety
talk. Somewhere along the way, Jade managed to fall off the boat and
into the water, which was apparently not good for her hypothermia disease that
I’ve never heard of before? Luckily, Chris was there to rub her back to
life, leaving some of the other girls a
little jealous. Back at the hotel after everyone dried off and got
ready for the evening portion of the date, it finally happened. OUR FIRST ZOMBIE SIGHTING!!!!!
Yes, that’s right, Jordan came back. Unfortunately, she was sober, and
thus nobody cared about her and after a few tense moments, Chris sent her on
her way back to Colorado. At the end of the day, Whitney ended up with
the group date rose, and Kardashley, once again, took it like a real adult and
didn’t end the night whining and crying about how unfair everything is on this
competitive game show.
The next morning, it was time for the
one-on-one date with Britt. She was pretty nervous about the date since
the date card indicated that it was going to have something to do with heights,
and she’s so afraid of heights that she was in tears about it the night
before. In addition to her fear of heights, Britt also maybe has a fear of
showers and allegedly has not showered for weeks. What? Chris snuck
into their hotel room at 4:30 in the morning to wake her up and, umm, is she
wearing makeup to bed? Why yes, of
course she is. And you know what? No shade, because she looked
amazing and her hair is incredible. If I looked like that when I woke up,
I would never shower again and would put on makeup every night before
bed. Chris woke her up so early because they were going to take a hot-air
balloon ride to watch the sun rise and, miracle of all miracles, Britt’s fear
of heights has disappeared! Despite being suspended in a tiny basket 2000
feet off the ground, not once did she even mention her previous phobia.
What an incredible turn of events! Of course, it turns out that not
only was Britt cured of her fear of heights overnight, but she was also cured
of her fear of getting married and having children. I mean, just the day
before the date, she was telling the other ladies that she was in no rush to
get married or have kids, but by the time she was halfway through her date with
Chris, she couldn’t wait to get started on having the 100 babies she always
wanted! It’s possible that this was all part of Tziporah Kingsbury’s witchcraft,
but I for one think Britt is really discovering who she is in Santa Fe.
Speaking of love and intimacy, Britt and Chris decided to then take a “nap”
together, so let’s hope she managed to at least find time to shave her legs
before the date started.
Upon her return to the room, Britt decided to
tell everyone that they took a nap together, which is a pretty great way to
make friends (wait, is she maybe not here to make friends?), at which point
Kelsey decided that she needed to ambush talk to Chris to make sure he
knows that she has a dead husband. Kelsey has clearly seen this show
before and understands the importance of a good story, but I know Emily Maynard
and you, Kelsey, are no Emily Maynard. Naturally, right after finishing
her story about her dead husband (who died 18 months ago, I can’t get over that
part), she goes in for a kiss. If Chris is anything like the rest of us,
nothing really turns him on more than a woman talking about how the love of her
life dropped dead. What a story!
Also, I think Kelsey is a sociopath.
At the cocktail party (or at least at the
introduction to the cocktail party), there was a truly incredible turn of
events – Sam spoke for the first time
in three weeks! Then things got real weird. Prince Farming came
in to greet the ladies, and completely blew up Kelsey’s spot by
revealing her secret visit to his room to talk about dead people. For
some reason, he broke down in tears and had to walk away. As Chris
Harrison chased him down to kiss away his tears, the rest of the ladies spent
the break glaring at Kelsey, who could learn a thing or two from Britt about
how to act nonchalantly. Suddenly, the sound of a trapped animal
resonated through the house, and the camera panned to Kelsey lying on the floor
surrounded by medical personnel. Now, I’ve never had a panic attack, so I
don’t know what it’s supposed to look like, but this seems like a Tierra-like level of
drama. We’ll have to wait until next week to find out if Kelsey is dead
though, since the end of this episode and the rose ceremony were pushed into
next week. The suspense of it all!
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