Fourth Time's the Smarm - Episodes 5-8 - We're back!

First off, I know I’ve been shirking my duties this season.  I apologize.  

And second-of-ly, although I am four (four?!) episodes behind, this recap will only cover the last two.  

So let’s get to it.  Bear with me, this is a long one.  Also, I did not proofread this.

These past few episodes have basically been a series of scenes of Nick crying.  Below is an incomplete list of things that made Nick cry in the last two episodes:

1.             He sent Danielle L. home, triggering a crisis of conscience in which he just didn’t know if he could go on doing this (spoiler alert: he could).

2.             He talked to Kristina.

3.             He sent Danielle M. home.  I am personally shook over his hatred of women named Danielle.  Don’t worry, Nick.  I hate you, too.

4.             He sent Kristina home. 

5.             He gave out roses to the four remaining women.

I’m sure there are more, but the crying became so common it was no longer notable at some point.

Fourth Time's the Smarm - Episode Four - Waukesha Nights

When we left off with Nick and his ladies, the women had just witnessed Corinne straddling Nick in a bounce house and commenced freaking out.  Meanwhile, Corinne was upstairs taking a nap.

Before heading to the rose ceremony, Taylor and Sarah go up to Corinne’s napping chamber to gently let her know that everyone hates her.  Surely, Taylor was there out of the goodness of her heart.  When Sarah mentions that she’s coming off as entitled, Corinne, a 24-year-old with a full time nanny responded, completely seriously, “I’m not privileged in any way shape or form.”  She also wonders aloud, “Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?”  Why am I not surprised that Corinne is a big fan of Mean Girls?

At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison decides he needs to talk about Corinne with Nick.  What a drama queen.  Luckily, Corinne is not letting the women get to her because these girls are too sensitive and they’re just a bunch of haters.  It’s always so satisfying to see someone on this show go on a journey of self-discovery and come out on the end as a better person.  

Fourth Time's the Smarm - Episode Three - EVERYBODYYYYYYYYYY

It’s a new day in the Bachelor world, a world without Liz and her constant yammering about hooking up with Nick.  We’ve magically transported from Nick’s tales of sexual conquests in the clurb to the mansion, where the women that were on the date are tasked with debriefing everyone else.  We learn in passing that Christen got the group date rose so I guess it pays to be a tattle-tale.  Judging by their reactions to the news, the women are absolutely shocked to hear that Nick has had sex before.  He shows up to the house wearing a weird flower tie to make sure that everyone is aware that he definitely boned Liz.  I’m thinking this moment of contrition would come off as slightly more sincere if he wasn’t grinning like an idiot when he told the whole group.  In any event, now we know at least three of Nick’s sexual partners so that’s something.

Corinne ain’t worried about that Liz noise though, because she knows how to turn on the “sex charm” which involves dressing up as Carmen Sandiego in a trenchcoat with only lingerie underneath.  This is a fantastic way to present yourself as marriage material, Corinne.  She really turns up the heat by also pulling out a can of whipped cream, and then proceeds to pour it on herself and say “Take it off my boob.”  Nick’s parents are going to love her!  Suddenly though, Corinne is crying.  At first, I was a little unclear because it didn’t seem like anything had happened, and then I realized that she was actually crying because Nick didn’t f*ck her right then and there with 20 women like five feet away.  After this traumatic experience, Corinne is so upset that she goes to sleep instead of showing up to the rose ceremony.  Sick power move.

Fourth Time's the Smarm - Episode Two - The Ballad of Nick and Liz the Doula

This episode of The Bachelor by the numbers:

12: Women on the first group date

2: Topless bridal photo shoots

8: Times Liz mentioned her night of awkward lovemaking Nick

0: Rose ceremonies

Week one of Nick’s journey to find temporary love and a spot on Dancing with the Stars started off with quite a bang, and flashes of crazy have already become apparent (looking at you, Corinne and Josephine).  The ladies have already all fallen in love with Nick, which checks out since they’ve each spoken to him for approximately 30 seconds. 

Luckily, Chris Harrison appears from the ether to bring us all back to reality and drop off a card inviting over half of the house to join Nick on a date.  Since the Bachelor franchise is apparently contractually obligated to have at least one episode each season involve a faux wedding shoot, the added twist this year was a vaguely foreign photographer with a distinct “date-rapey” vibe wearing a jungle-patterned romper.  The other twist was that the dresses weren’t traditional dresses, but were super hilarious tacky dresses that would allow them to show Nick their fun and quirky personalities!  Dolphin-Shark aficionado Alexis was assigned to be the bride in a shotgun wedding, and so she got to learn what a shotgun wedding is and also spent her second week in a row wearing a very unappealing costume for Nick.  But who cares about Alexis, we’re all here for Corinne now.  Corinne rolls in dressed as…a bikini bride?  A pool bride?  Whatever, doesn’t matter.  She’s wearing a white bikini and she is FEELING herself.  She is walking around showing off how good she looks and casually dropping mentions of her kiss with Nick and her confidence was at an all-time high right up until the literal second that Brittany strolled in wearing her Adam & Eve bridal costume of bikini bottoms and ratty nipple-covering hair extensions.  Corinne obviously took this very well, as evidenced by the statement “She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face.”  Corinne is my favorite.

It's Raining Ben - Week 7 Recap - I'm Lovin' It?

This week on the Bachelor, it appears that the producers blew the budget in Mexico and the Bahamas, so I guess it was time for a trip to Warsaw, Indiana, the Orthopedic Capital (seriously).  We can tell how long they’ve been on the show by the length of the women’s’ roots (like rings on a tree), and it’s been about half an inch of Becca’s natural hair color, so you know things are getting real.

However, having run out of pretty much any other good ideas for dates halfway through the 20^th iteration of the Bachelor franchise, this episode took us to Ben’s hometown to do volunteer work, hang out on a farm and meet his parents.  Literally not one of these dates cost any money.  However, they were fabulous opportunities for the women to exclaim how much they love this small town where Ben hasn’t lived for at least eight years.  But please, Ben, show us where you went to high school and where you had your first kiss!

The episode starts with Ben meeting up with his parents in a local diner.  And if you weren’t sure just how quaint this small town in, there’s a cutesy sign that says "No we don't have wifi - talk to each other!"  An interesting stand to take for a restaurant that’s willing to allow an entire camera crew to film a reality show inside, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

It's Raining Ben - Week 6 Recap - Come at Me, Bro

Apologies for no recap last week, I was sick and didn't have enough energy to devote to this kind of effort.

This week’s episode of The Bachelor wasted no time getting right down to business.  In case you forgot how things ended last week, after Jubilee was callously sent home in a Mexican taxi on the first day of Black History Month, the women decided that they have all been personally victimized by Olivia and made sure that Ben knew.  I think this all stemmed from when she referred to Amanda’s custody arrangement as an episode of Teen Mom which, even though I am not an Olivia fan, I didn’t think was that bad.  I mean, in her defense, Olivia is 23 years old (hard to believe, yes, but I’ve searched and searched for evidence to the contrary (other than her face) and have found none) and went to college, so she probably just doesn’t know that many divorced parents.  Emily is also 23, but I have no doubt that our little Vegas dancer knows her fair share of single moms, which would account for how scandalized she was by the comment.

So anyways, Prince of Subtlety Ben decides to pull Olivia away to let her know that everyone else hates her and see if she knows why they would say that.  This is further proof that Ben knows nothing about women – they didn’t tell you that so you would tell her that they told you that!  That’s not how talking behind peoples’ backs works, you idiot! 

It's Raining Ben - Week 4 Recap - Fear and Self-Loathing in Las Vegas

After a long weekend of sitting inside and re-watching Season 5 of Beverly Hills 90210, only venturing out into the snow in an emergency to procure an overpriced wine opener from the shop next door, the last thing I wanted to do was watch two hours of The Bachelor on Monday night…just kidding!  TV is my best friend and I’ll always make time for it.  It would just be nice if Ben would be even a teensy bit less…vanilla?  Is that the word?  In case you aren’t convinced of just how boring Ben is, I was listening to his interview on the Channel 33 podcast and he was very excited to tell the story of his tattoo, which is that it is a bible verse (of course) and is supposed to say “Proverbs 16:3” but the guy accidentally wrote “Proverbs 16:34” so he had to cover the extra “4” with a cross!  This is an interesting anecdote he told about himself...

Moving right along to the show, this week the group heads to Vegas, the city of drunken, sloppy love.  The twins are so excited to head back to their hometown they start talking over each other, much like my other favorite twins.  Olivia says “I want a one-on-one date and I want to see Celine.”  Me too, sister.  But just the Celine part.  RIP Rene.