This
episode of The Bachelor by the numbers:
12:
Women on the first group date
2:
Topless bridal photo shoots
8:
Times Liz mentioned her night of awkward lovemaking Nick
0:
Rose ceremonies
Week
one of Nick’s journey to find temporary love and a spot on Dancing with the
Stars started off with quite a bang, and flashes of crazy have already become
apparent (looking at you, Corinne and Josephine). The ladies have already
all fallen in love with Nick, which checks out since they’ve each spoken to him
for approximately 30 seconds.
Luckily,
Chris Harrison appears from the ether to bring us all back to reality and drop
off a card inviting over half of the house to join Nick on a date. Since
the Bachelor franchise is apparently contractually obligated to have at least
one episode each season involve a faux wedding shoot, the added twist this year
was a vaguely foreign photographer with a distinct “date-rapey” vibe wearing a
jungle-patterned romper. The other twist was that the dresses weren’t
traditional dresses, but were super hilarious tacky dresses that would allow
them to show Nick their fun and quirky personalities! Dolphin-Shark
aficionado Alexis was assigned to be the bride in a shotgun wedding, and so she
got to learn what a shotgun wedding is and also spent her second week in a row
wearing a very unappealing costume for Nick. But who cares about Alexis,
we’re all here for Corinne now. Corinne rolls in dressed as…a bikini
bride? A pool bride? Whatever, doesn’t matter. She’s wearing
a white bikini and she is FEELING herself. She is walking around showing
off how good she looks and casually dropping mentions of her kiss with Nick and
her confidence was at an all-time high right up until the literal second that
Brittany strolled in wearing her Adam & Eve bridal costume of bikini
bottoms and ratty nipple-covering hair extensions. Corinne obviously took
this very well, as evidenced by the statement “She better not steal my thunder
or I will literally punch her in the face.” Corinne is my favorite.
The
photoshoot itself was both dumb as hell and an incredible display of
gamesmanship, as Nick was focused on adding some new shots to his portfolio
(he’s totally a model on Instagram you guys) and the women focused on kissing
him in front of as many other women as possible. I couldn’t watch much
during the Adam & Eve shoot because I was too distracted by the blinding
whiteness of Nick’s upper thigh area, but also because I was too excited to see
how Corinne was going to one-up Brittany, and she did not disappoint. Within
moments of getting into the pool with Nick, Corinne’s took off her top and
re-created her favorite
Rolling Stone cover. While the other girls looked on in disgust,
Franco and his romper correctly determined that Nick and Corinne had the best
chemistry so she won…uhh…a ride across the driveway in a convertible?
Anyways,
the women and Nick were magically whisked away to a sexy nightclub called Level
Furnished Living, which I am assuming ABC must own stock in since I’m pretty
sure this is the 10th time we’ve seen a date on their rooftop.
Corinne continues her domination by immediately stealing Nick away to make out
for a while. This gives the rest of us a good opportunity to hear how
much everyone hates Corinne, particularly Taylor because her bond with Nick is
already so strong. Of course, while Taylor was off drinking all that
haterade, Corinne was stealing Nick away from his conversations with the other
women, including Taylor. Taylor, in turn, then re-steals Nick back from
Corinne who is so offended by this action (which, as you may recall, she had
just done herself). So while this was a dumb fight, I look forward to a
season-long rivalry between the pride of Johns Hopkins and a 24-year-old with a
nanny who counts Frasier as her guilty pleasure TV show, even more so after
Nick rewarded Corinne with the group date rose (“My dad would be so proud, even
though I was naked.”). Either Nick, a feminist on par with Ryan Gosling
himself, is aching to see a good girl fight or the producers have instructed
him to keep Corinne on the show by any means necessary.
Speaking
of drama, did you guys hear that Liz and Nick hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s
wedding? Just wanted to make sure in case you missed it the first time
she brought it up or the 2nd through 8th times that she
brought it up. I guess Liz got tired of coming up with a hundred
different ways to talk about it in her testimonials, so she decided to confide
in Christen, a woman who is also competing to be Nick’s future
ex-girlfriend. Liz clearly hates talking about it, as evidenced by the
fact that the conversation continued through three outfit and location
changes. More on that later, though. First, a quick recap of Nick’s
first one-on-one date with Danielle M., which kicked off with the first
helicopter ride of the year! A helicopter that landed on a yacht!
And followed by dinner in an abandoned alley in the OC! Where
Danielle reveals that she was engaged to a guy that overdosed five years ago
(apparently “dead fiancé” is now a trope on the Bachelor)! And then they
kissed on a ferris wheel just like Ryan
and Marissa!
Now
that we have that out of the way, onto the next group date with Christen,
Josephine, Astrid, Jaimie, Kristina and Liz. This date is at the Museum
of Broken Relationships, which is actually a pretty good alternate name for
this show. The museum is some kind of mausoleum for keepsakes from ended
relationships, and is also incredibly lame. Nick has “donated” a rose and
a brand-new never-worn engagement ring that he definitely paid for with his own
money and isn’t part of the season-long Neil Lane promotion. Anyways,
this super fun date involved each of the girls breaking up with him in front of
a crowd, and since the women are definitely there because of their great wit,
this was an absolute nightmare to watch, which was surprising since I thought
they were all aspiring actresses. The only redeeming factor was that
freakshow Josephine decided to go with the storyline that they were breaking up
because Nick is an alcoholic, which was both dark and very telling of her past
relationships. Then she slapped him. Hard. And he was into it
maybe? This bitch cray and I am into it.
Unfortunately,
we were quickly brought back to reality when Liz the Doula, who’d been moping
around for the entirety of the date, walked up and said she was going to speak
from the heart…and then she pulled out a notebook to read from. The
Cliff’s Note version is that even though she hooked up with him at a wedding
(it was Jade and Tanner’s wedding in case you weren’t sure) and refused to give
him her phone number, it was actually his fault they didn’t work out because he
didn’t fight hard enough for her number or something. Now, I absolutely
hate Nick as a person, but in that moment I just felt so bad for him because
that was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen.
Later,
at the “generic nightclub” portion of the evening (which I am almost positive
is the same bar when Andi broke up with Dead Eric), Christen quickly proved what
a great confidant she is by relaying everything that Liz told her about the
night they hooked up at her friend Jade’s (You know her? From Jade and Tanner?)
wedding, which seems to have been a little more freaky than we initially
thought based on Nick’s reaction. This is finally the signal to Nick that
he should maybe have a quick chat with Liz for the first time. You see,
Nick suspects that maybe Liz is only there to be on TV since if she actually
wanted to date him she could have, you know, called him at some point within
the past nine months. Luckily, Liz has a bulletproof response, which is
that the reason she didn’t call is because she doesn’t like talking on the
phone. That makes sense, so Nick calls off the show and he and Liz run off
to get married. Actually, no, he comes to the realization that Liz, who
is very pretty in spite of her gigantic back tattoo, is most likely a
psychopath and he shows her the door.
Nick
then rejoins the group and decides that he needs to tell the rest of the ladies
why Liz was so unceremoniously bounced. So he sits down and, with that
stupid smile on his stupid smug face, he blurts out “Liz and I had sex at Jade
and Tanner’s wedding” AND cue shocked reactions and dramatic music and fade
out. The end.
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