This week on the Bachelor, it appears that
the producers blew the budget in Mexico and the Bahamas, so I guess it was time
for a trip to Warsaw, Indiana, the Orthopedic
Capital (seriously). We can tell how long they’ve been on the show by
the length of the women’s’ roots (like rings on a tree), and it’s been about
half an inch of Becca’s natural hair color, so you know things are getting
real.
However,
having run out of pretty much any other good ideas for dates halfway through
the 20th iteration of the Bachelor franchise, this episode took us
to Ben’s hometown to do volunteer work, hang out on a farm and meet his
parents. Literally not one of these dates cost any money. However,
they were fabulous opportunities for the women to exclaim how much they love
this small town where Ben hasn’t lived for at least eight years. But
please, Ben, show us where you went to high school and where you had your first
kiss!
The
episode starts with Ben meeting up with his parents in a local diner. And
if you weren’t sure just how quaint this small town in, there’s a cutesy sign
that says "No we don't have wifi - talk
to each other!" An interesting stand to take for a restaurant
that’s willing to allow an entire camera crew to film a reality show inside,
but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.
Ben
rolls up in his one millionth Henley shirt
of the season, and his parents look pretty much exactly how I expected them to
look in their Midwestern chic. He gives his parents a quick soundbite on
each remaining woman: Becca was standoffish on the last date; Jojo is beautiful
and he can be himself around her; Emily…is a twin; Lauren didn’t have a good
week last week; Caila is beautiful and afraid to fall in love; and Amanda is
“shockingly beautiful” and has two kids. When his mom asks if he’s okay
with Amanda having kids, his response is that he hasn’t really thought about
it. Sorry, what? She is in the running to be the recipient of his
Neil Lane Diamond Ring™ and he hasn’t taken a moment to consider the fact that
she’s carrying about 35 pounds of baggage in the form of two human children (is
that what a child weighs? I don’t know anything about children)? Oh
boy.
While
this is happening, the women are forced to wander around town aimlessly tossing
leaves on each other and saying what a great place it is to raise a
family. Again, you guys, Ben doesn’t actually live there! This is
not like on Chris’s season when he was still pretending like he lived in Nowheresville,
Iowa and everyone had to pretend that they would be okay getting an Iowa
haircut and only hanging out with his sisters.
As
Ben shows the ladies around their AirBnB, he mentions that his parents live a
few houses down, and then he counsels them to not look in the windows of his
parents’ house because they might be having sex. I’m still shuddering
just thinking about that.
With
that thought, Ben invites Lauren on the first one-on-one date of the week, and
I am so thankful that I no longer have to differentiate between two Laurens
when typing up these recaps. The rest of the ladies are not quite as
happy since it is abundantly clear to them that he likes Lauren the most.
I think they’ll be less upset when they hear what this date actually was.
Ben and Lauren just sort of drive around and he shows her his high school, his
gigantic mega-church, the theater where he had his first kiss (mostly just so
he could the same lame line he used then) and finally to a youth center where
he worked for a summer during college or something. It’s basically just
an opportunity for us to be impressed with what a great guy Ben is. We
get it, thanks. At some point, a few players from the Indiana Pacers show
up, and about four of the kids know who they are, and the players almost
certainly don’t realize that they are on the Bachelor. They seem to think
this is just a televised charity event. There’s also a moment where the
producers paid a child actor named Eric
to go cry against a wall for the sole purpose of getting a shot of Ben
consoling him. WE GET IT.
Afterwards,
because this is a television show and some level of drama is required, Lauren
is very adamant about the need to talk to Ben about what happened last week –
namely when Leah went down in a blaze of glory going on and on about how Lauren
isn’t being her true self around Ben and that she’s not actually that into
him. She basically says “it’s not true” and he responds “okay, cool” so,
really, no drama at all. Plus, they had to hurry up for Ben’s next
“surprise,” which was a visit to his local dive bar with his “friends.”
Hmm, this seems like a somewhat familiar date premise…perhaps when Chris made
Whitney do the same thing last year? At the end of the date, though, the
producers of the show have brainwashed Lauren to admit that yes, she is in love
with Ben. Unfortunately, she only tells the camera, so Ben will have to
wait for another week to find out!
The
next one-on-one date goes to Jojo, who receives a date card that says something
about the Windy City and there is actually a conversation to decide what that
means. Ladies, there is zero ambiguity about what that means. Even though
it’s kind of windy in Warsaw that day, the Windy City is still Chicago, okay?
So Jojo goes to meet Ben in Chicago, which is an over two hour ride from
Warsaw, and I can’t think of a better way to start (or end) a date than a very,
very long drive. Ben takes Jojo to Wrigley Field and Ben tells her that
the Cubs are his and his dad’s favorite team as if this is a very crazy
coincidence. They’ve got control of the full stadium for the day, and
hmm, I wonder where they came up with the money
for that…
They
play some one-on-one baseball that mostly involves Jojo having to run probably
a lot more than she initially planned when she picked out a bra for this
date. They also lie down on the grass and have an intimate conversation
that, naturally, is being simulcast on the Jumbo
Tron. Over yet another uneaten dinner, Ben attempts to force yet
another one of his women to “be vulnerable.” Jojo makes it sound like she
has some tragic past that makes it difficult for her to let down her guard, but
it’s actually just that she’s never dated someone who loved her as much as she
loved them. You know what’s a good thing to do if you have that kind of
insecurity? Probably go on the Bachelor and try to win the love of a guy
dating 24 other women and who is not allowed to reveal his feelings until the
very last moment.
Next
up is the group date with Caila, Amanda and Becca, and as we are reminded 20
times, the stakes have never been higher because whoever gets the group date
rose is automatically through to Hometowns. Of course, this is another
“hanging out in Warsaw” day, so they get in canoes on the lake – Caila and Ben
in one and Becca and Amanda in the other. Becca and Amanda are thrilled
by this. Also thrilling? The next part of the date, which included
flying kites and hanging out in a barn. Did I say thrilling? I
meant snooze-fest. I did find myself particularly distracted by Ben’s facial hair on this date. Dude, I get
that an electric razor is easier, but either grow it out or buy a real
razor. You’re on television. Chris Harrison would never do this to
us.
Becca
and Caila didn’t have very high hopes during this date. Becca seems to
know that this isn’t happening for her, and Caila is incredibly anxious about
not getting a hometown date because she…doesn’t have a hometown? You see,
she moved so much that she can’t really take Ben to her high school and he
would be stuck just meeting her family, which I thought was the entire point of
the hometown date, but what do I know? Anyways, their wishes come true,
and Amanda gets the group date rose because Ben needs to show her that he
really wants to meet her two children who he hasn’t decided whether he is ready
to be a father to. And oh, now the other ladies have to go home while
Amanda and Ben continue their date. Well, that was awkward. Caila and
Becca just sat in angry silence for what could have been hours, which I would
have much rather continued watching than the twenty minute McDonalds commercial that
followed. That’s right, because on a normal night in Indiana, Ben, a
26-year-old professional, goes to eat at McDonalds. Did you guys know
that you can get breakfast all day at McDonalds? Well, you do now because
Ben and Amanda got Egg McMuffins at night! And they worked the drive-thru,
those crazy kids!
But
Amanda’s waking nightmare is not over yet – the next stop is a carnival and a
giant crowd of people is actually standing outside of McDonalds waiting for
them and cheering for them as they approach. And hey, there’s Eric! Remember him from the
before? He must be very confused about seeing Ben kiss Lauren one day and
then Amanda the next, but the kid’s gotta learn about real life sometime and
ABC is there to do that for him. The rest of the night appears to just be
people watching Ben and Amanda enjoy the carnival and taking shaky cell phone
videos of them kissing on a ferris wheel. I hate everything about this
entire day.
The
next day is a one-on-one date with Emily the Twin, who thus far has only been
on two-on-one dates that she survived as the lesser of two evils. I
missed the first part of this date because I was watching the Hamilton
performance on the Grammy’s and I really don’t care enough to re-watch whatever
I missed. Apparently Ben has taken Emily to meet his parents and it is
unintentionally hilarious. Just to see the horror in his mom’s eyes when
Emily described her life-long dream of being a professional cheerleader and how
being near the Denver Broncos would be perfect and the sadness when Emily told
her that despite being average at
everything else in life, she thinks she'd be an above average mom and wife.
Ben’s mom looks terrified at this prospect. His mom describes her as fun,
excited and young and is clearly fighting every urge to say how she really
feels. When Ben’s dad asks what she likes and dislikes her answer is that
she likes movies and would be happy watching movies all day long (preach!) and
that she dislikes vegetables. She is definitely going to be an above
average mother and wife! I really wish we could have seen the off-camera
conversation between Ben and his parents, because he’s all smiles and fun on
the way back and Emily thinks that everything went perfectly until he sits her
down and tells her that he’s done with her. As he is dumping her, the
rest of the women are, of course, watching from inside the house. They
all cry with her because they don’t understand how this works.
It’s
finally time for the rose ceremony, which is at the Warsaw Courthouse that has
for some reason been heavily featured throughout the episode. Ben is
sitting on the steps and needs some counselling from Chris Harrison because he
says he doesn’t know what to do even though he very clearly knows what he wants
to do, but he just doesn’t want to look like a bad guy. Roses go to
Lauren, Jojo and Caila, and he sends Becca back to Louisiana without making any
contact with her. She’s momentarily mad at him for sending her home during
a rose ceremony (is there another way she was expecting this to happen?) but
eventually makes her final exit (until the next Bachelor season, I guess).
No comments:
Post a Comment