It's Raining Ben - Week 6 Recap - Come at Me, Bro

Apologies for no recap last week, I was sick and didn't have enough energy to devote to this kind of effort.

This week’s episode of The Bachelor wasted no time getting right down to business.  In case you forgot how things ended last week, after Jubilee was callously sent home in a Mexican taxi on the first day of Black History Month, the women decided that they have all been personally victimized by Olivia and made sure that Ben knew.  I think this all stemmed from when she referred to Amanda’s custody arrangement as an episode of Teen Mom which, even though I am not an Olivia fan, I didn’t think was that bad.  I mean, in her defense, Olivia is 23 years old (hard to believe, yes, but I’ve searched and searched for evidence to the contrary (other than her face) and have found none) and went to college, so she probably just doesn’t know that many divorced parents.  Emily is also 23, but I have no doubt that our little Vegas dancer knows her fair share of single moms, which would account for how scandalized she was by the comment.

So anyways, Prince of Subtlety Ben decides to pull Olivia away to let her know that everyone else hates her and see if she knows why they would say that.  This is further proof that Ben knows nothing about women – they didn’t tell you that so you would tell her that they told you that!  That’s not how talking behind peoples’ backs works, you idiot! 

Ben asks Olivia why people are trashing her and her obvious explanation is that people don’t like her for literally the only reason a woman would dislike another woman in the Bachelor universe, which is that she is just so jealous of her.  In Olivia’s case, it’s because she’s confident and likes reading books and thinking and she wants to “talk smart things.”  Right, that checks out.  In the meantime, the women, of course, think that Ben is going to take away Olivia’s rose and send her packing, but he is a pussy and that would never really happen.  Olivia is clearly humbled in her return: “They thought I wouldn’t come back but they were wrong.  So...come at me, bro.”  Oh, and then Jennifer got sent home and nobody cared because really, who was Jennifer?  Even she didn’t seem to care very much.  

But enough of that, it’s time to go to The Bahamas!  God forbid there ever be a date where a bikini isn’t the proper attire!

The first one-on-one date this week is with Caila, which was a surprising development since she already had a one-on-one and neither Olivia nor Leah have had a real date yet.  I guess it’s a consolation prize for Caila since she had to share her date with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.  Unfortunately this date involved deep sea fishing, which is only a marginal improvement.  Luckily, the whole thing is so boring we don’t have to watch it!  However, back at the house, Random Blonde #6 aka Leah is crying because she hasn’t gotten a date yet.  Leah?  Olivia hasn’t had a one-on-one either, but she has somehow managed to make her mark.  Maybe you’re just boring?  According to Leah, it’s all Ben’s fault because he’s not “taking that leap” with her.  I am pretty sure this line was only included so that the producers could juxtapose it with a shot of Ben and Caila jumping off their boat into the water while holding hands.

Speaking of Ben and Caila, they move along to “dinner” and Ben is determined to get deep with Caila.  You see, she smiles too much and hasn’t shown herself to be insane yet, so he needs to know whether she can cry with him when he turns his robot settings to “sad.”  Ben insists that he’s not putting her on the spot to be vulnerable, but Caila goes ahead and jumps into the most nonsensical series of words I have maybe ever heard.  I’m pretty sure it went something  like this:  I feel like I love you  but also I don’t know how to love someone and maybe I’m not ready and maybe I can’t love you, but I feel understood by you and this is real.  Ben somehow has interpreted this all in the most positive way possible and no longer has any concerns about Caila.  Rose for Caila!

Next up is the group date with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H and Leah (leaving a two-on-one date with Olivia and Emily for the final date of the week).  The ladies hop on a boat with Ben and he’s like “oh this is just going to be a very chill day” and I already foresee some serious hi-jinx…and I was right!  There’s a dang pig in the water!  In fact, there’s a whole bunch of pigs in the water!  What the hell is this?  Has anyone been to the Bahamas and can you please confirm if this is a thing?  If not, why does Lauren B. seem to think that this is a very Bahamian experience?  I have a lot of questions, but first I would rather re-watch the five minutes of the women in their bikinis getting attacked by hungry pigs and in particular the point when about three pigs jumped on Jojo at once.  How very unexpected that a bunch of pigs don’t obey the “back off” signal when you’re holding a bucket of hot dogs.  Also, props to Leah for being the only person mildly concerned that they might be feeding pork hot dogs to these pigs (good news, they were chicken). 

Shockingly, the ladies are over this date pretty quickly and by over this date I mean they are over Ben, apparently because he was only talking to Lauren B.  At one point he tried to talk to Jojo and she straight up walked away from him and it was at that very moment that I realized Jojo is my favorite person there now and the only one I would actually want to hang out with.  Ben attempts to turn things around with Leah and they literally have this conversation:

Ben:  Do you like pigs?

Leah:  I like pigs.  I like to eat pigs.

Such chemistry!  Oh also, she starts crying immediately about not getting a date and I’m sure he instantly falls in love with her.  Don’t worry though, she’s only going to make this worse.  You see, during the evening portion of the date, Leah decides to take the very questionable route of throwing other women under the bus.  Now, I haven’t watched every season of the Bachelor, but I am fairly certain that this strategy has never, ever worked.  Still, she moves forward with telling Ben that there is one person in the house who wouldn’t be right for him, but she doesn’t want to say a name.  Nope, instead she describes Lauren B. in any other possible way until there’s nobody else it could possibly be.  Just then, Lauren B. cuts in to have her talk with Ben, and he once again immediately is like “So someone brought up to me tonight that you’re different in the house and I just wanted to tell you that.”  Ben, have you ever even had a friend?  Come on!  The best part of this, of course, is when Lauren B. is crying to the rest of the girls about this and Leah is all “Hmm, someone said your name?  That wasn’t me.”  Very solid cover.  Definitely nobody picked up on that.  Ben comes by shortly after and either doesn’t realize or doesn’t acknowledge that Lauren B. is still crying and gives the group date rose to Amanda, kind of out of nowhere.

Leah takes all of the events of this night as a sign that she needs to turn things up a notch.  Naturally in the Bachelor world this means a secret trip to Ben’s hotel room.  Ben is actually kind of happy to see her until she uses the whole time to continue talking shit about Lauren B.  He finally interrupts this solid approach to tell Leah that it’s time for her to go home.  Adios, Leah!  Side note – what was going on with Amanda’s very tender caresses of Emily’s arm while they sat on the bed?

It’s finally time for the two-on-one date, and Olivia is entirely untroubled by the whole thing.  She is very confident she’s got this thing locked up and that she’s going to marry Ben and – what the hell is Emily wearing?  Is that her uniform from the Spearmint Rhino?  Yikes.  The boat ride out to their date location looks like a real nightmare, all windy and bumpy, and Olivia and Emily are forced to pretend that they are really enjoying the nausea and their hair whipping them in their faces and knotting itself in ways that can only be undone with a pair of scissors.  They finally reach a “private island” that looks more like a “large sandbar” and the date is basically just them sitting on blankets in a few different places.  The conversations that Olivia and Emily have with Ben are pretty reflective of the fact that they are the two most different 23-year-olds in the world.  Olivia is smart and mature and claims that “Deep intellectual things are really my jam!” which I don’t think means anything.  She also, in no uncertain terms, tells Ben that she loves him.  Too late, bitch!  Caila was first!  Emily, on the other hand, is basically like “Look, I am a small child with the looks and intellect of a 16-year-old and I would like you to be my adult chaperone while I learn about things like politics and taxes and new Snapchat filters.”

Finally, everyone is getting cold and the rain is probably coming so it’s time for Ben to make a decision.  He picks up the rose…and asks Olivia to take a walk with him.  Olivia is beaming and Emily is sorta bummed or whatever.  But, wait!  He’s actually dumping Olivia because she is way too intense and he doesn’t want to be killed in a Fantasy Suite, praying mantis style.  Uhh, why did he bring the rose with him then?  I feel like Ben truly doesn’t understand human emotion and just follows the rules.  Reminds me of when Ashley let Ben Flajnik and his dumb hair get down on one knee to propose to her before she was like, oh hang on, I’m not picking you.  Anyways, he gives Emily the rose and then we get to see my favorite Bachelor scene, the loser of the two-on-one date being stranded alone on an island while watching the happy couple speed away while she cries on a beach.

Later on, as the women talk about how important it will be for them to talk to Ben as the cocktail party, the great overlord Chris Harrison appears to announce that there will be no cocktail party, we are going straight to the rose ceremony.  And honestly?  Is there even any suspense here?  Of course Lauren H gets eliminated, she never really had a chance.  Vanilla on vanilla is just too much vanilla.  I’m sure there’s a Midwestern PE teacher waiting for you out there somewhere, Lauren.

Also, let’s take a second to discuss the upcoming scenes clip!  If I’m interpreting it correctly, the rest of the season consists of everyone crying, all of the women being in love with him (I counted at least four of them saying it), a day at the beach with Amanda’s kids, and the possibility that he rejects someone and then changes his mind in the finale?