Bachelorette Recap: Exhibit A in Nick's Stalking Trial

Sorry this recap is coming late.  I’ve been very busy basking in the glory of my victory and imagining all of the Bachelor swag I’m going to purchase with my winnings while fending off Jamie’s pathetic attempts to up his score.

It’s been a long road this season, and there have been so many ups and downs.  It was entirely unclear who Andi was going to pick until approximately 30 seconds into the finale episode, when Chris Harrison mentioned that the loser was stalking Andi.  I mean, come on.  Which of these two guys would be creepy enough to follow Andi to Mexico and try to confront her at The Men Tell All?  No question that only Nick would do that.  He’s the worst.

Despite being 99% certain that Josh had this in the bag, we were still forced to sit through two hours of filler and Suave commercials, starting with the ceremonial meeting of the parents.  We of course remember from last season that Hy Dorfman was not so into our pal Juany Pabs and was not quite prepared to “essept” JP into his daughter’s life.  Looks like someone got a little talking-to in the off-season though, because he was way more on board this time around.  Has there even been a dad that hasn’t given his blessing to the final two?  Is that not super weird that he spends like three hours with each guy and then at the end tells both of them that they can propose to his daughter?  Anyways...

Nick had the first meeting with the parents, and he was strangely awkward and nervous pretty much the entire time.  You’d think a guy with at least 10 brothers and sisters knows how to be around a family, but either this guy is completely socially inept, or he’s a sociopath who thinks that’s how you’re supposed to react when meeting your girlfriend’s parents.  From what I could tell, he spent most of the day never referring to Andi by her name, but instead just calling her “your daughter” with an affectation that really annoyed me for some reason.  Still, he clearly studied his game tapes and had a highly rehearsed speech for her dad.  Someone should let Nick know that it comes off as slightly disingenuous when you use the same words verbatim to a number of different people.  We get it, you love her in ways that you didn’t know you could love someone. 

Luckily, Nick’s day with the family was short and we moved right along to Josh.  Do you think Andi told her dad about the Aaron Murray connection?  She must have, right?  That might explain why Hy was much more good natured when Josh came around.  Even though he was also a little nervous and jumpy, he acted much more like a non-robot human being.  Hy was definitely on Team Josh.  Also, let’s go back for a moment to talk about when they mentioned that Josh went back to college.  I think we should be clear that Josh didn’t go back to college because his baseball career was over (you know, because he wanted to find a wife instead) and he wanted to get an education.  He went “back to college” to play football on the same team with his brother WHEN HE WAS 26 YEARS OLD.  Obviously the reason that Josh’s job title on the show is “Former Baseball Player” is because he is currently a Professional Sibling and nothing else.  Hope that Dancing With the Stars invite shows up soon. 

After his day with the parents, Josh also gets a final one-on-one date with Andi, who shows up wearing a caftan that I’m pretty sure used to belong to my grandmother.  They spent the day on a yacht, where Andi basically forced Josh to tell her that he asked for father’s blessing.  Even though he did, Andi was still forced to ask “Is this too good to be true?”  And in case you missed it the first time she said that, she literally said it four more times.  Which part of this, exactly, is too good to be true?  I’m not sure Josh actually has a job, so I don’t know if he’s as great of a catch as Andi seems to think he is.  Later on, Andi comes over to Josh’s hotel room so they can snuggle and make out some more in between the times when Andi wonders whether Josh is too good to be true.  He wrote her a letter to express his feelings, and oddly read it out loud while Andi read along silently.  So that was kind of weird.  He also gave her a personalized baseball card, which was very cute and almost certainly not his idea, though I suppose it is possible that Josh took a picture of Andi and then found a shop in the Dominican Republic that prints up baseball cards and had a litany of endearing personal facts about her on the back, so maybe I’m just being cynical.

The next day, then, was the final date with Nick the Creep.  The date involved off-roading, which is an interesting choice for a last date where you’re trying to learn as much about the other person as possible before deciding whether to marry them.  I’d think you’d want to do something a little more conducive to, I don’t know, talking?  It was for the best though, because Nick mumbled incoherently for most of the day and gave a rambling nonsensical toast in the evening.  You can really tell that Andi is loving this position of power.  When Nick gets tongue-tied around her, she is so into it.  Throughout the course of this episode, Nick went from annoyingly cocky about his position to being annoyingly insecure.  Of course, then Andi kept telling him “It’s gonna be all right” (which, spoiler alert, it was not).  Since the guys apparently had to give Andi a gift on this date, Nick gave her a necklace he made in first grade carrying sand from the beach where he first told her he loved her.  Pretty lame gift, Nick.  I’d dump you for that too.

The next morning, it was finally the last day.  Andi welcomed the day by walking outside in a skimpy nightgown that I am sure she wore to go to sleep along the night before.  Nick and Josh both opened their curtains to expose their bare torsos to the sound of live audience members cheering, which is a cool reaction for adult women to have.  After about 30 minutes of various shots of pensive moments, it was time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  NEIL F*CKING LANE, PEOPLE.  That’s right, Hollywood’s Premier Jewelry Designer, Neil Lane, whose exclusive collection of wedding rings can be purchased at such upscale boutiques as the Kay Jewelers in your local shopping mall, is there to help the men pick out a ring for Andi.

After Josh picked out the free ring to give to his future wife, we returned to Nick, who was ready for his own visit with Neil Lane, but he opened the door to Andi instead.  She told him she just wanted to chat, but you could tell by Nick’s labored breathing and oncoming panic attack that he knew this visit was bad news.  And it was.  You all know what happened by now.  Andi dumped Nick, citing the fact that he overanalyzed the relationship too much.  Surely, that’s not a problem for Josh, who probably can’t even spell the word “overanalyze.”  The next few minutes involved some awkward defensive backlash from Nick, who accused Andi of leading him on and taking it too far and maybe she did, but at least she didn’t let him propose before telling him to hit the road.  Although Nick’s a douche, so I wouldn’t have minded that.  He did make a big show of throwing out all of his roses before packing his suitcase (he only brought a carry-on for the three weeks or whatever they’ve been in the Dominican Republic?) and entering the limo of shame.  In case you’re wondering how his plane ride home was, here is video of him whining and simultaneously providing spoilers for Reality Steve.

With Nick out of the way and this season’s money already firmly in my pocket, there was only one thing left to happen.  Josh started off his final speech / proposal by talking about his “first love, baseball.”  Oh my god, Josh, you have to stop this.  Your baseball career was over before it ever began.  MOVE ON.  The speech was pretty good otherwise, though Andi received it with a stone face and responded with the typical Bachelor fake-out move, making it seem like she was about to dump him before being all “j/k I love you too!”  She actually said that she loved him since the moment she saw him, which is probably not something you want to say to something that you just strung along for 9 weeks while hooking up with other guys.  Josh proposes, she says yes, they make out.  Did anyone else notice how disgustingly sweaty Josh was that whole time?  Like dripping buckets of sweat.  It was gross.  Also gross?  The number of times they said “I love you” and kissed for the next five minutes.  Get a room, you guys. 

After the Final Rose, went pretty much as expected.  Nick couldn’t let it go and acted like a psychotic creep after the show.  The most interesting part of the evening was when Nick, in front of a live studio audience on live television, asked Andi, “If you didn’t love me, why would you make love with me?”  I have a problem with this for two reasons:  Number 1, he almost definitely only said that to make her look bad and Number 2, who says “make love with me?”  So yeah, Nick came off as a bigger asshole that he already had.  Continuing on the “I’m banging Andi” tour, Josh made sure to mention that he’s trying to get her pregnant.  Her parents must be so proud.  No next Bachelor announcement, but my sources (the internet, generally) tell me that it’s between Farmer Chris and Arie from Emily’s season who gave Courtney Robertson the best sex of her life.

And much like Andi’s frown session with Grumpy Cat, we’ve come to an end.  This has been a terrible, boring season and has only made me even more excited for Bachelor in Paradise, starting next Monday, only on ABC.  I look forward to discussing with you all (no recaps!).

Bachelorette Recap: Beating a Dead Horse

We made it, you guys.  After a long, slow journey to find love, Andi finally got some!  Two dudes in two nights!  Well, I guess that’s just speculation.  As we’re reminded, the Fantasy Suites are there so that Andi and the guys can have all those conversations they can’t have on camera, and then just fall asleep talking.  That’s probably all that happens in there.  That’s why there’s no condoms in there, as we now know from Courtney Robertson.

Before Andi can take the guys to Poundtown, though, we have to hear about all the things that Andi likes about the remaining guys, and it was at this point, approximately three minutes into the episode, that it was already clear that Farmer Chris didn’t have a shot.  With Josh, she says, she can be her complete self.  As for Nick, she can see herself marrying and growing old with him.  Chris...well...he’s a really nice guy.  Better pick up all those souvenirs quickly Chris, you’re about to get a one-way ticket back to Iowa!  How many connections do you think it would take to get from the Dominican Republic to Iowa?  Six?  Seven?

The first date this week was with boring Nick, who I continue to hate for no specific reason.  I mean, I usually love the villains on this show.  I read Courtney Robertson’s book in three days (and I plan to live the rest of my life using the lessons I learned from her)!  But Nick’s not even a villain, he’s just kind of a tool.  Going into the date, Andi wants to know why Nick had glossed over his break-ups when his sisters had told her that they had basically sent him into a tailspin.  I bet Nick made sure to thank his sisters for that!

The date started with a Bachelor patented helicopter ride (no points for this one, only the first chopper ride counts) to a private island.  Not too shabby.  They pretty much just spent the day at the beach, where Nick was able to show off his freshly waxed chest.  I’m fairly certain that 80% of the date was spent making out in the ocean, a location that has historically hosted a good bit of Bachelor sexy times (See Juan Pablo/Clare and Ben/Courtney).  Sadly, it didn’t look like Andi and Nick were ready to join that prestigious club.  Once they finally emerged from the water, Andi asked Nick about the aforementioned world-shattering break-ups.  His response?  Oh yeah, I went through a break-up and I didn’t want to talk to anyone for six months.  That’s a pretty healthy, adult response to the end of a relationship.  What girl doesn’t want to live in fear that if she dumps her boyfriend he will slit his wrists?  The kicker is that this wasn’t even the girl that he was engaged to, it was someone else!  Also, are we not kind of glossing over the fact that Nick was engaged to a woman who dumped him before the wedding?  Seems like an important detail.  Not for Andi, though.  She had heard all she needed from the guy who might be giving her a ring next week.  I sincerely hope there are a lot of conversations we’re not seeing.

Moving onto the night portion of the date, Nick changed into his finest blue shirt and red pants to spend a few hours not telling Andi that he loves her.  Now Nick (and please picture me saying this as Phaedra Parks from Real Housewives of Atlanta), everybody knows that if you want to get into the Bachelorette’s pants, you have to tell her you love her before Fantasy Suites.  Each Bachelorette, underneath all the glitz and glamour, is just a photogenic woman who is desperate to be told by as many men as possible that they are in love with her.  Falling in love?  Not good enough.  In the meantime, Nick pulls out his secret weapon (no, not that one), a story that he’s been writing about their relationship, complete with illustrations!  If he drew those illustrations himself, then I’m impressed.  Otherwise, I am very, very curious where he got that done.  I am particularly curious how he already had the pages for that night were already done.  Is he Walt from Lost?   Finally, the card from “Chris Harrison” magically appeared, and after a half-hearted attempt at playing coy, Nick and Andi decided to forego their individual rooms and spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.  Before heading over, Nick was able to summon the courage to lead Andi about 20 feet away to talk next to a tree, where he took about 15 minutes to say “I love you”.  Then they did it (most likely).

The next day (!) Andi and Josh met in Santo Domingo to...I don’t really know...hang out?   I think the producers just plain gave up this season.  Between the lie detector test, the trip to Verona and this, it’s become clear that the producers legitimately do not care about planning cool dates.  Instead, Andi and Josh wander around town, drinking freshly squeezed juices and poorly dancing to reggae bands before chancing upon a group of young hoodlums playing baseball.  Because Andi and Josh can’t have one date that doesn’t involve a mention of his failed sporting career, they naturally decide to insert themselves into a game being played by a group of 12 year olds.  These poor kids just wanted to play a fun baseball game, and instead they were roped in as props for a love story that has a 0.00005% chance of lasting.  Something to tell the grandkids about.

Josh, still riding high on endorphins from outplaying a group of little leaguers, professes his love to Andi on a park bench, basically sealing the deal that Andi would let him seal the deal.  She couldn’t make it too easy, though, so they had to have their one millionth conversation about his athlete lifestyle (he’s not actually an athlete and hasn’t been for years) and how he’s too good to be true (really? he seems about as smart and fun as a box of rocks).  To nobody’s surprise, Josh and Andi also decided to forego their individual rooms and spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite.  In case the turning off of lights and drawing of curtains wasn’t enough to let us know what was going to happen next, there was a fireworks show on the way to the suite.  Let’s hope their night in the Fantasy Suite was as eventful as Courtney and Ben’s first night (three times, including a successful reverse cowgirl).

After getting turned out two nights in a row, it was time for Chris to try to get in there, too.  Continuing the trend of terrible dates, Andi brings Chris, who lives on a farm, to a date on a farm.  How terribly new and exciting for him!  They go horseback riding, and Andi is completely terrified.  It seems a little ridiculous of her, but I can completely empathize.  As a kid, riding horses was cool and fun, but once you hit an age where you realize exactly how far you are from the ground and how quickly you could become Christopher Reeve, it’s suddenly not so fun and it’s definitely not romantic.  I’m pretty sure Andi gets a say in what they do on these dates, maybe she could have nixed this one?  At one point, Chris says to her “Anybody ever tell you that you look really hot on a horse?” and my immediate response is that I hope not, since she was 7 years old the last time she rode a horse. 

During yet another picnic in the middle of a field, just after a very weak attempt at a second round of Ghosts in the Graveyard (it probably helps if there’s not cameras pointed at the person trying to hide), it’s time for some Real Talk.  Andi tells Chris that she doesn’t think she can move forward because there’s “no foundation” in their relationship.  I guess that’s valid since she only had one one-on-one date with Chris, but has she really spent that much more time with Josh or Nick?  Let’s get serious here:  Andi doesn’t want to move to Iowa.  And why should she?  I fully do not understand why the expectation is that she’ll move to wherever the guy she picks lives.  I figured as the Bachelorette she would be calling the shots and generally be the HBIC.  Like, hi I live in Atlanta and if I choose you to be my husband you also have to live in Atlanta (or wherever she has to go live while filming Dancing with the Stars or Couples Therapy or whatever reality show she goes on next).  There, I fixed it. 

In the end, she basically tells Chris to hit the road, which he accepts with the dignity and aplomb of a man who will almost certainly become the next Bachelor.  Chris would be a great catch if he didn’t live in Iowa.  Who the hell wants to move to Iowa?  I will tell you who: nobody.  How is Chris going to convince one of these aspiring actresses on the Bachelor to leave LA to live in the Midwest?  He probably should have just cashed in his chips and hit up the Bachelor Pad.  But that’s a story for another day.

There was a rose ceremony, but I didn’t pay attention because it didn’t matter and I was busy searching for a missing credit card (spoiler alert – I found it).  The gist of it was that both Josh and Nick are convinced that nobody else could have as strong a connection with Andi as he does.  So basically the same story as every other season of this show. 

I think next week is Men Tell All, so no recap.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to watching my new favorite show, Ladies of London.

Hometowns!

In light of our World Cup loss to those Belgian jerks, I’m pretending that the last episode never happened (plus, I was busy and now it’s too late for a recap).  Also, I still don’t have cable or internet in my new place, so there will be a distinct lack of Vines or pictures since I had to watch on my computer at 7:30 this morning like some weirdo, but I’ll at least try.

Although it feels like we’ve been watching this season for years, we’ve only just reached hometowns.  The best part about hometowns is that it means Fantasy Suites are just one week away!  Andi is going to eat these guys alive.

Our first date on Andi’s tour of places nobody would ever want to live is to Nick’s hometown of Waukesha, Wisconsin.  Waukesha, Waukesha...why does that name sound so familiar?  Oh yeah, that’s right.  Because it's just where Slender Man is telling tweens to kill their friends.  Cool anecdote, but a bummer that it didn’t happen in time for Nick to take Andi to that spot instead of forcing her to go cheese shopping and polka dancing.  That’s what that was, right?  God, Nick is the worst.  His face is just so punchable.  I hope that he has stopped wearing that stupid scarf and leather jacket by now.  I mean, what is the scarf budget on this show?  It seems out of control.  It has to stop.

They eventually head to Nick’s parents’ house, where she is introduced to a cult-level number of Nick’s brothers and sisters.  I rewound this like 5 times to figure out how many there were.  Eleven.  He has eleven brothers and sisters, plus their significant others.  In case you were wondering, it’s Jessica and her fiancé Paul, Maria and her boyfriend Josh, Sarah, Jacob and his wife Kieran, Luke, James, Teresa, Olivia and Bella.  There’s an additional brother, Sam, who was not there and may or may not be Nick’s twin.  I can only chalk up his absence to the fact that he is clearly Slender Man.  Oh god, has anyone seen Bella lately???  Speaking of Bella, she had her own little Q&A session with Andi (no stabbing involved) which mainly involved Andi’s fruitless attempt to explain what a mental connection is.  I think that the reason Bella couldn’t understand is because the poor child has dementia.  When Nick was talking to her no more than five minutes later, she couldn’t remember any questions or answers from her chat with Andi other than the part where she lied and told Nick that Andi said she loved him (she did eventually back-pedal and admit that Andi only likes him, but by that point had already proven why people think all children are liars).  At the end of the night, Nick put on his ugly infinity scarf to walk Andi outside, and after teasing it all night, he never did pull the trigger and tell her that he loves her.  That’s okay, Nick.  Desiree failed to tell Sean on their hometown, and she turned out fine.  She made a hit video with Soulja Boy and is now engaged to the guy she didn’t want to choose on her season.

Next stop, the thriving metropolis of Arlington, Iowa!  Population 758.  Just the kind of a place that a woman who just willingly signed up to be on two nationally televised dating shows would probably want to live.  This can never work, right?  In fairness to Chris, he is, by far, the most fully formed adult at this point.  He has his own home that looks very nice (I am going to ignore, for the moment, that it’s probably on his parents’ property) and his family seems the least weird.  Apparently Chris is also a very successful businessman, according to his sisters who might just be trying to imply that he’s rich to entice Andi to move to Iowa to become a housewife.  During their picnic on the farm, Chris maybe only jokingly implies that that’s her first option and Andi kind of responds that she could get a job practicing law in Cedar Rapids.  Yes, Andi, you clearly love practicing law so much that you haven’t done it for over a year even though you’re about 18 months into your career, but I’m sure you’ll go right out and find an intellectually fulfilling law job and definitely won’t spend the next few months fighting tooth and nail to stay in the spotlight.  Chris continues to pour on the charm and extend his inexplicable longevity by hiring a plane carrying a banner that says “Chris Loves Andi!”  Between this and his secret admirer notes, Chris has somehow managed to convey his feelings without ever actually using his mouth.  Pretty sneaky stuff there. 

After Arlington, it was time to visit the Aaron Murray fan club down in Tampa.  This segment of the show was almost entirely about Aaron Murray and his voyage to the NFL.  The Murray family is pretty involved in the career of a guy who, at best, will likely be a backup QB on some middling team.  Josh, you might want to chain your horse to another wagon at some point.  Can’t keep living on those college glory days, just ask Tim Tebow.  At least Andi knows what she’s getting into with this family – hope she likes football!  However, here’s the thing:  she’s from Georgia, of course she likes football and she probably loves Aaron Murray.  My theory is that Josh has got this thing in the bag.  She is super attracted to him and has kept him even when things didn’t go too well (I’m still very curious as to what Josh is hiding in that lie detector test).  It’s the classic Bachelor conflict fake-out.  Also, Aaron Murray is going to be pretty rich, at least for a short period of time.  Might as well get in on that.

Finally, it’s time to visit Marcus’s broken home in Dallas.  Before meeting Marcus’s non-traditional family, naturally there’s a mid-day striptease.  Apparently scarves are not the only on-camera apparel that the men are allowed to keep, as Marcus has maybe been carrying around his (hopefully) tear-away officer’s uniform through half of Europe.  Did anyone else catch a little unspecified blurring when Marcus was down to his undies?  Looks like someone hasn’t been keeping up on his manscaping regime while on vacation!  No matter though, Andi is very into it.  That woman is ready for her Fantasy Suites.  Back at the house, we meet Marcus’s brother and sister and abusive mother (no dad though, he left and it was Marcus’s fault).  I don’t know about you guys, but I would probably be a little hesitant to allow a child-beater to be the grandmother of my children, but I guess I’m just picky like that.  Later on, there’s a pretty weird moment where Marcus thanks his brother for everything he did for him as a kid after he caused his dad to leave them, which is a nice sentiment, but pretty odd timing.  Guess he’s also a stage-5 clinger with his family. 

After Dallas, everyone has gone back to LA, where they were all summoned to Chris Harrison’s “house”.  That couldn’t possibly be his house though, right?  There were absolutely no personal touches, and Chris seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t want these people to know where he lives.  Of course, as we all know, Chris had gathered Andi and the guys together to tell them about Eric’s highly unsuccessful paragliding trip.  This whole thing was just so strange.  Was there really any need to do this on camera?  Was there any reason they should have put the cameras down but not turned them off?  Did they need to keep the mics on?  That was awful to watch.

Of course, once everyone had wrung the tears out of their infinity scarves, it was time for the next rose ceremony.  Whose family had ruined their shot at love?  In a surprising move, Andi gave the second rose to Farmer Chris, leaving the last rose between Normcore Nick and Magic Marcus.  Alas, Andi forgot the old wisdom to venture to marry someone who loves you more than you love them and gave Marcus the boot.  Man, his mom is going to be so pissed.  Ten bucks says Marcus “walked into a wall (he’s so clumsy sometimes)” just after he got home.