Sorry this recap is coming late. I’ve
been very busy basking in
the glory of my victory and imagining all of the Bachelor swag I’m going to
purchase with my winnings while fending off Jamie’s pathetic attempts to up his
score.
It’s been a long road this season, and there
have been so many ups and downs. It was entirely unclear who Andi was
going to pick until approximately 30 seconds into the finale episode, when
Chris Harrison mentioned that the loser was stalking Andi. I mean, come
on. Which of these two guys would be creepy enough to follow Andi to
Mexico and try to confront her at The Men Tell All? No question that only
Nick would do that. He’s the worst.
Despite being 99% certain that Josh had this
in the bag, we were still forced to sit through two hours of filler and Suave
commercials, starting with the ceremonial meeting of the parents. We of
course remember from last season that Hy Dorfman was not so into our pal Juany
Pabs and was not quite prepared to “essept” JP into his daughter’s life.
Looks like someone got a little talking-to in the off-season though, because he
was way more on board this time around. Has there even been a dad that
hasn’t given his blessing to the final two? Is that not super weird that
he spends like three hours with each guy and then at the end tells both of them
that they can propose to his daughter? Anyways...
Nick had the first meeting with the parents,
and he was strangely awkward and nervous pretty much the entire time.
You’d think a guy with at least 10 brothers and sisters knows how to be around
a family, but either this guy is completely socially inept, or he’s a sociopath
who thinks that’s how you’re supposed to react when meeting your girlfriend’s
parents. From what I could tell, he spent most of the day never referring
to Andi by her name, but instead just calling her “your daughter” with an affectation
that really annoyed me for some reason. Still, he clearly studied his
game tapes and had a highly rehearsed speech for her dad. Someone should
let Nick know that it comes off as slightly disingenuous when you use the same
words verbatim to a number of different people. We get it, you love her
in ways that you didn’t know you could love someone.
Luckily, Nick’s day with the family was short
and we moved right along to Josh. Do you think Andi told her dad about
the Aaron Murray connection? She must have, right? That might
explain why Hy was much more good natured when Josh came around. Even
though he was also a little nervous and jumpy, he acted much more like a
non-robot human being. Hy was definitely on Team Josh. Also, let’s
go back for a moment to talk about when they mentioned that Josh went back to
college. I think we should be clear that Josh didn’t go back to college
because his baseball career was over (you know, because he wanted to find a
wife instead) and he wanted to get an education. He went “back to
college” to play football on the same team with his brother WHEN
HE WAS 26 YEARS OLD. Obviously the reason that Josh’s job title on
the show is “Former Baseball Player” is because he is currently a Professional
Sibling and nothing else. Hope that Dancing With the Stars invite shows
up soon.
After his day with the parents, Josh also
gets a final one-on-one date with Andi, who shows up wearing a caftan that I’m
pretty sure used to belong to my grandmother. They spent the day on a
yacht, where Andi basically forced Josh to tell her that he asked for father’s
blessing. Even though he did, Andi was still forced to ask “Is this too
good to be true?” And in case you missed it the first time she said that,
she literally said it four more times. Which part of this, exactly, is
too good to be true? I’m not sure Josh actually has a job, so I don’t
know if he’s as great of a catch as Andi seems to think he is. Later on,
Andi comes over to Josh’s hotel room so they can snuggle and make out some more
in between the times when Andi wonders whether Josh is too good to be
true. He wrote her a letter to express his feelings, and oddly read it
out loud while Andi read along silently. So that was kind of weird.
He also gave her a personalized baseball card, which was very cute and almost
certainly not his idea, though I suppose it is possible that Josh took a
picture of Andi and then found a shop in the Dominican Republic that prints up
baseball cards and had a litany of endearing personal facts about her on the
back, so maybe I’m just being cynical.
The next day, then, was the final date with
Nick the Creep. The date involved off-roading, which is an interesting
choice for a last date where you’re trying to learn as much about the other
person as possible before deciding whether to marry them. I’d think you’d
want to do something a little more conducive to, I don’t know, talking?
It was for the best though, because Nick mumbled incoherently for most of the
day and gave a rambling nonsensical toast in the evening. You can really
tell that Andi is loving this position of power. When Nick gets
tongue-tied around her, she is so into it. Throughout the course of this
episode, Nick went from annoyingly cocky about his position to being annoyingly
insecure. Of course, then Andi kept telling him “It’s gonna be all right”
(which, spoiler alert, it was not). Since the guys apparently had to give
Andi a gift on this date, Nick gave her a necklace he made in first grade
carrying sand from the beach where he first told her he loved her. Pretty
lame gift, Nick. I’d dump you for that too.
The next morning, it was finally the last
day. Andi welcomed the day by walking outside in a skimpy nightgown that
I am sure she wore to go to sleep along the night before. Nick and Josh
both opened their curtains to expose their bare torsos to the sound of live
audience members cheering, which is a cool reaction for adult women to have.
After about 30 minutes of various shots of pensive moments, it was time for the
moment we’ve all been waiting for. NEIL
F*CKING LANE, PEOPLE. That’s right, Hollywood’s Premier Jewelry
Designer, Neil Lane, whose exclusive collection of wedding rings can be
purchased at such upscale boutiques as the Kay
Jewelers in your local shopping mall, is there to help the men pick out a
ring for Andi.
After Josh picked out the free ring to give
to his future wife, we returned to Nick, who was ready for his own visit with
Neil Lane, but he opened the door to Andi instead. She told him she just
wanted to chat, but you could tell by Nick’s labored breathing and oncoming
panic attack that he knew this visit was bad news. And it was. You
all know what happened by now. Andi dumped Nick, citing the fact that he
overanalyzed the relationship too much. Surely, that’s not a problem for
Josh, who probably can’t even spell the word “overanalyze.” The next few
minutes involved some awkward defensive backlash from Nick, who accused Andi of
leading him on and taking it too far and maybe she did, but at least she didn’t
let him propose before telling him to hit the road. Although Nick’s a
douche, so I wouldn’t have minded that. He did make a big show of
throwing out all of his roses before packing his suitcase (he only brought a
carry-on for the three weeks or whatever they’ve been in the Dominican
Republic?) and entering the limo of shame. In case you’re wondering how
his plane ride home was, here
is video of him whining and simultaneously providing spoilers for Reality
Steve.
With Nick out of the way and this season’s
money already firmly in my pocket, there was only one thing left to happen.
Josh started off his final speech / proposal by talking about his “first love,
baseball.” Oh my god, Josh, you have to stop this. Your baseball
career was over before it ever began. MOVE ON. The speech was
pretty good otherwise, though Andi received it with a stone face and responded
with the typical Bachelor fake-out move, making it seem like she was about to
dump him before being all “j/k I love you too!” She actually said that
she loved him since the moment she saw him, which is probably not something you
want to say to something that you just strung along for 9 weeks while hooking
up with other guys. Josh proposes, she says yes, they make out. Did
anyone else notice how disgustingly sweaty Josh was that whole time? Like
dripping buckets of sweat. It was gross. Also gross? The
number of times they said “I love you” and kissed for the next five
minutes. Get a room, you guys.
After the Final Rose, went pretty much as
expected. Nick couldn’t let it go and acted like a psychotic creep after
the show. The most interesting part of the evening was when Nick, in
front of a live studio audience on live television, asked Andi, “If you didn’t
love me, why would you make love with me?” I have a problem with this for
two reasons: Number 1, he almost definitely only said that to make her
look bad and Number 2, who says “make love with me?” So yeah, Nick came
off as a bigger asshole that he already had. Continuing on the “I’m
banging Andi” tour, Josh made sure to mention that he’s trying to get her pregnant.
Her parents must be so proud. No next Bachelor announcement, but my
sources (the internet, generally) tell me that it’s between Farmer Chris and
Arie from Emily’s season who gave Courtney Robertson the best sex of her life.
And much like Andi’s frown session with
Grumpy Cat, we’ve come to an end. This has been a terrible, boring season
and has only made me even more excited for Bachelor in Paradise, starting next
Monday, only on ABC. I look forward to discussing with you all (no recaps!).
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