Hometowns!

In light of our World Cup loss to those Belgian jerks, I’m pretending that the last episode never happened (plus, I was busy and now it’s too late for a recap).  Also, I still don’t have cable or internet in my new place, so there will be a distinct lack of Vines or pictures since I had to watch on my computer at 7:30 this morning like some weirdo, but I’ll at least try.

Although it feels like we’ve been watching this season for years, we’ve only just reached hometowns.  The best part about hometowns is that it means Fantasy Suites are just one week away!  Andi is going to eat these guys alive.

Our first date on Andi’s tour of places nobody would ever want to live is to Nick’s hometown of Waukesha, Wisconsin.  Waukesha, Waukesha...why does that name sound so familiar?  Oh yeah, that’s right.  Because it's just where Slender Man is telling tweens to kill their friends.  Cool anecdote, but a bummer that it didn’t happen in time for Nick to take Andi to that spot instead of forcing her to go cheese shopping and polka dancing.  That’s what that was, right?  God, Nick is the worst.  His face is just so punchable.  I hope that he has stopped wearing that stupid scarf and leather jacket by now.  I mean, what is the scarf budget on this show?  It seems out of control.  It has to stop.

They eventually head to Nick’s parents’ house, where she is introduced to a cult-level number of Nick’s brothers and sisters.  I rewound this like 5 times to figure out how many there were.  Eleven.  He has eleven brothers and sisters, plus their significant others.  In case you were wondering, it’s Jessica and her fiancé Paul, Maria and her boyfriend Josh, Sarah, Jacob and his wife Kieran, Luke, James, Teresa, Olivia and Bella.  There’s an additional brother, Sam, who was not there and may or may not be Nick’s twin.  I can only chalk up his absence to the fact that he is clearly Slender Man.  Oh god, has anyone seen Bella lately???  Speaking of Bella, she had her own little Q&A session with Andi (no stabbing involved) which mainly involved Andi’s fruitless attempt to explain what a mental connection is.  I think that the reason Bella couldn’t understand is because the poor child has dementia.  When Nick was talking to her no more than five minutes later, she couldn’t remember any questions or answers from her chat with Andi other than the part where she lied and told Nick that Andi said she loved him (she did eventually back-pedal and admit that Andi only likes him, but by that point had already proven why people think all children are liars).  At the end of the night, Nick put on his ugly infinity scarf to walk Andi outside, and after teasing it all night, he never did pull the trigger and tell her that he loves her.  That’s okay, Nick.  Desiree failed to tell Sean on their hometown, and she turned out fine.  She made a hit video with Soulja Boy and is now engaged to the guy she didn’t want to choose on her season.

Next stop, the thriving metropolis of Arlington, Iowa!  Population 758.  Just the kind of a place that a woman who just willingly signed up to be on two nationally televised dating shows would probably want to live.  This can never work, right?  In fairness to Chris, he is, by far, the most fully formed adult at this point.  He has his own home that looks very nice (I am going to ignore, for the moment, that it’s probably on his parents’ property) and his family seems the least weird.  Apparently Chris is also a very successful businessman, according to his sisters who might just be trying to imply that he’s rich to entice Andi to move to Iowa to become a housewife.  During their picnic on the farm, Chris maybe only jokingly implies that that’s her first option and Andi kind of responds that she could get a job practicing law in Cedar Rapids.  Yes, Andi, you clearly love practicing law so much that you haven’t done it for over a year even though you’re about 18 months into your career, but I’m sure you’ll go right out and find an intellectually fulfilling law job and definitely won’t spend the next few months fighting tooth and nail to stay in the spotlight.  Chris continues to pour on the charm and extend his inexplicable longevity by hiring a plane carrying a banner that says “Chris Loves Andi!”  Between this and his secret admirer notes, Chris has somehow managed to convey his feelings without ever actually using his mouth.  Pretty sneaky stuff there. 

After Arlington, it was time to visit the Aaron Murray fan club down in Tampa.  This segment of the show was almost entirely about Aaron Murray and his voyage to the NFL.  The Murray family is pretty involved in the career of a guy who, at best, will likely be a backup QB on some middling team.  Josh, you might want to chain your horse to another wagon at some point.  Can’t keep living on those college glory days, just ask Tim Tebow.  At least Andi knows what she’s getting into with this family – hope she likes football!  However, here’s the thing:  she’s from Georgia, of course she likes football and she probably loves Aaron Murray.  My theory is that Josh has got this thing in the bag.  She is super attracted to him and has kept him even when things didn’t go too well (I’m still very curious as to what Josh is hiding in that lie detector test).  It’s the classic Bachelor conflict fake-out.  Also, Aaron Murray is going to be pretty rich, at least for a short period of time.  Might as well get in on that.

Finally, it’s time to visit Marcus’s broken home in Dallas.  Before meeting Marcus’s non-traditional family, naturally there’s a mid-day striptease.  Apparently scarves are not the only on-camera apparel that the men are allowed to keep, as Marcus has maybe been carrying around his (hopefully) tear-away officer’s uniform through half of Europe.  Did anyone else catch a little unspecified blurring when Marcus was down to his undies?  Looks like someone hasn’t been keeping up on his manscaping regime while on vacation!  No matter though, Andi is very into it.  That woman is ready for her Fantasy Suites.  Back at the house, we meet Marcus’s brother and sister and abusive mother (no dad though, he left and it was Marcus’s fault).  I don’t know about you guys, but I would probably be a little hesitant to allow a child-beater to be the grandmother of my children, but I guess I’m just picky like that.  Later on, there’s a pretty weird moment where Marcus thanks his brother for everything he did for him as a kid after he caused his dad to leave them, which is a nice sentiment, but pretty odd timing.  Guess he’s also a stage-5 clinger with his family. 

After Dallas, everyone has gone back to LA, where they were all summoned to Chris Harrison’s “house”.  That couldn’t possibly be his house though, right?  There were absolutely no personal touches, and Chris seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t want these people to know where he lives.  Of course, as we all know, Chris had gathered Andi and the guys together to tell them about Eric’s highly unsuccessful paragliding trip.  This whole thing was just so strange.  Was there really any need to do this on camera?  Was there any reason they should have put the cameras down but not turned them off?  Did they need to keep the mics on?  That was awful to watch.

Of course, once everyone had wrung the tears out of their infinity scarves, it was time for the next rose ceremony.  Whose family had ruined their shot at love?  In a surprising move, Andi gave the second rose to Farmer Chris, leaving the last rose between Normcore Nick and Magic Marcus.  Alas, Andi forgot the old wisdom to venture to marry someone who loves you more than you love them and gave Marcus the boot.  Man, his mom is going to be so pissed.  Ten bucks says Marcus “walked into a wall (he’s so clumsy sometimes)” just after he got home.