Well, it was another Monday evening, and
while I should have been in bed hours ago to sleep off the effects of getting a
little too aggressive during the USA-Portugal game, I was stuck watching
another episode of Andi’s snooze-fest. This week, we’re in Italy, which
Andi claims is her favorite country in the world (spoiler alert: she’s
lying). Poor, sad Cody, in a cruel bit of foreshadowing is really excited
for his inevitable one-on-one date. I meant, he’s the only guy left who
hasn’t had a one-on-one date, it has to be him, right? It would just be
mean if it wasn’t, right? Anyways, it’s not him. Instead, Andi
tells the guys that Nick is getting the first date this week and is this guy
awful or what? There’s something about him that I can’t stand, but I
can’t put my finger on it and the fact that Andi is so snowed by him is making
me question her even more than I already was.
According to Andi, the whole point of
bringing Nick on a second one-on-one date was that she had questions about why
every single person in the house hates him, but naturally she didn’t bring them
up until dinner. Nick deflected Andi’s questions by expressing his upset
and disgust that rest of the guys thought he was arrogant and
over-confident. Yeah, I guess people can really jump to some nasty
conclusions when you tell them that you’re the front-runner and generally act
like an asshole. Of course, he then totally lies about not making that
comment. That’s not a word he even likes to say! Then he tells her
that he’s definitely falling in love, which is a pretty good transition to drop
on someone who needs constant reinforcement. She’s no longer skeptical of
Nick. She’s an idiot.
Moving right along, next up is the group date
in Venice. How many pairs of brightly colored knee-length shorts did
Chris bring? It’s working for him, but not what I’d expect from a farmer
from Iowa. Sadly, there’s nothing to do in Venice, Italy, so continuing
with our group date public humiliation theme, it’s time for a lie detector
test. Josh is really tripping out here, maybe a little too much.
How could he not be when faced with hard-hitting questions like “Are you here
for the right reasons?” This date did teach us that Dylan has slept with
over 20 women but that his personal
hygiene game could use some improvement. Also, for those of you who
didn’t make it to the scenes after the end credits, you missed out on a real treat. In the end, this was
all a huge waste because Andi never even opened up the results of the
test. Let’s be real though, she 100% had a copy of the results,
right? There’s no way she had all that information in her hands and just
let it go. It’s just lame that we don’t get to see it. What were
the lies??? Who’s not there for the right reasons???
During the evening portion of the date,
Marcus turns up the heat on his status as a stage five clinger by telling Andi
that he’s in love with her. Marcus, bro, it’s not even hometowns yet!
You have got to take it down a notch! There’s no way he wins now,
right? In other “shoot yourself in the foot” news, Josh will not let this
lie detector test thing go. In Josh’s head, the test showed that Andi
doesn’t trust him, whereas in the head of literally any normal human being, the
test showed that the PRODUCERS PICKED A DATE FOR THEM TO GO ON AND THEN THEY
WENT ON IT. You really think Andi was the one who decided to do
that? This guy has clearly taken one too many hits to the head during his
incredibly short career as a professional athlete if he thinks that the way to
win Andi’s heart is to get in a fight with her during the part of the
relationship that is legitimately designed to be a fairytale. Josh, I say
this out of pure selfishness because you are my only remaining contest in this
game: PLEASE CHILL OUT. Chris finally tells Andi that he’s her secret
admirer and it’s pretty masterful timing. Chris was probably teetering on
the edge of elimination and he pulled his ace in the hole that’s probably going
to get him through at least another round, plus he snagged the group date
rose. Well played, Farmer Chris.
It’s finally time for Cody’s one-on-one date,
and boy is he ready. He spent all day preparing by sharing a relaxing steam with Nick.
Andi shows up in her finest skort and informs Macklemore that they are going to
spend the day in Verona responding to letters written by sad, lonely people to
Juliet, a fictional literary character. I, of course, recognize this
practice immediately from the Amanda Seyfried classic Letters to Juliet, which I’m
pretty sure I saw in the theater based solely on the inclusion of Taylor
Swift’s Love Story in the trailer. Cody actually didn’t do half-bad, but
I cannot take this guy seriously with that stupid haircut.
Later on, Cody wears a fucking v-neck under his jacket at
dinner. Jesus, he needs an Interveention.
You’re 28 years old, Cody. Time to stop shaving your chest and buy a
shirt that doesn’t expose your nips. However, his shirt is only the
second most embarrassing part of the evening for Cody, who proceeds to go into
a long speech about how into Andi he is and how hard she’s going to fall for
him and, oh...oh no...Andi is very clearly about to dump him. The fact
that Cody’s elimination is a foregone conclusion is a shock to nobody except
Cody himself. I still can’t believe he made it further than Patrick.
At least he got a free trip to Italy, right?
The cocktail party starts strong as Nick, who
already has a rose, takes Andi away immediately. Kind of a dick move, but
she’s very into it. According to Andi, “That is a man right there.”
Yuck. As is Andi’s wont, she pretty much just made out with him for a
while. She sure does like to kiss, doesn’t she? Brian read her a
poem that I pretty sure was a rip-off of this classic? Why do these
guys insist on writing poems? It’s embarrassing for everyone
involved. Yeesh.
As the rose ceremony began, I figured it was
going to be down to Josh and Dylan, so I was pretty surprised to see Dylan get
the first rose. He’s been a non-entity for weeks and he doesn’t even wash
his hands after he pees! Finally, it comes down to JJ and Josh. JJ,
apparently sensing that the end was near, had already stopped shaving in
preparation for his upcoming depression, and his wish was granted as Andi told
him to go pound sand. And with that Dickson wins the Regina Colantonio
“First Out of the Running” award for this season. Congrats, buddy!
Next week is in Brussels, which is apparently
the last week before hometowns. Does that mean she’s getting rid of two
guys? Are we finally going to get our long-awaited 2-on-1 date?
Also, is Nick going for the Courtney Robertson late night room visit?
Intrigue!
Points:
Chris – 5 pts (group date rose)
Marcus – 8 pts (first “I love you”, bonus
points for pre-hometown)
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