Sunday night’s episode was a real dream for
me. It brought together two of my favorite things in the world:
Santa Barbara and Boyz II Men. I mean, what a dream for me. The
city where I spent four years in an alcohol-induced haze (go Gauchos!) combined
with probably the greatest band ever. I hope you were as excited about it
as I was.
Before we could get to the main event,
though, first we had to sit through Andi’s one-on-one date with Nick.
Nick is apparently a skeptic of the Bachelorette process?! I don’t quite
know how you can have any doubt in a process that has spawned four happy
couples over 30 seasons, but to each his own, I suppose. There was a lot
of negativity floating around, and I was truly hoping that Nick would become
the new Bentley, but
apparently the producers are just setting us up for when he becomes a
believer. Boring! After a hike, Andi and Nick went for dinner at a
courthouse and yes, Andi, we do remember that you’re a lawyer. But
it is an awesome courthouse, that’s just how we roll in SB. Andi is
clearly very into Nick, so he gets his rose.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, it’s
time for the main event...Boyz II Men!!! When the guys find out that the
date involves singing, Bradley the opera singer gets realllllll cocky. An
interesting attitude for a guy that apparently only owns pink shirts.
Andi introduces the band as “my friends, Boyz II Men” and I am instantly
insanely jealous, even though I know that can’t possibly be true. Also,
where is the fourth Boy II Man? Who is doing the mid-song talking
interludes if the guy with the deep voice isn’t there? I’m going to have
to do some serious research on this. It turns out that the guys are going
to be grouping up to sing the classic song “I’ll Make Love to You” which,
incidentally, is the song that has resulted in me being banned from the
privilege of requesting songs at friends’ weddings. Those friends all
have terrible taste and I should probably drop them immediately. Anyways,
after some truly painful rehearsal sessions, we’re told that the guys are going
to perform at a Boyz II Men show, which was so exciting for Marcus that it got
his adrelanin pumping.
This “show”, however, is actually a free concert in the middle of an outdoor
mall in downtown Santa Barbara. Where was this when I was in
college?? The coolest thing that happened on that street when I lived
there was that my friend saw Andrea Zuckerman from 90210 one time (which, to be
fair, is also very cool). When the guys finally go up to sing, I am
supremely disappointed in their performance, particularly Josh and Marcus, who
FORGOT THE WORDS TO THE ONE SENTENCE THEY WERE TASKED TO SING. Singing “I
forgot the words” is not a cute way to make up for this. And Marquel, in
spite of your promise to “serenade the shit out of her,” you clearly think you
are a gifted singer. You are not. Also, at one point there was a
shot from behind and I thought to myself “who is that dweeb with that terrible
haircut?” and that’s when I realized that Brett the hairstylist was on this
date. I think that was his only appearance. And then this happened.
During the evening portion of the date, Andi
spent most of the time fishing for compliments and she was richly
rewarded. At one point, Marquel asked Andi what her favorite color and
her responses was “Is black a color?” DAMN. Even Marquel wasn’t sure
what to do with that. At the end of the night, even though Marcus and
Bradley both thought they had this in the bag, my boy Josh walked away with the
group rose because he really opened up to Andi. Yeah, opened up his mouth
so we got to see his tongue for about 60 full seconds (*high fives all
around*).
So yeah, next there was a date with JJ and
his stupid looking pants. For some reason, this date involved them
dressing up like old people, complete with age spots and all. My notes
from this date read “WHY? What’s with the hunch? Why the voices?”
and I couldn’t even focus on anything else because that was way too
distracting. Was this meant to be a remake of Johnny Knoxville’s terrible
movie “Bad Grandpa”? My other question is, why is JJ always so
shiny? Later, JJ explains that he didn’t fit in as a kid and his parents
had to put him into private school because he had no friends. I’m not
sure how much I believe his sob story. I suspect this is just his ploy
for sympathy or some kind of hook. People who have trouble fitting in are
not usually 7-foot tall preppies wearing brightly patterned pants. Andi
eats that shit up though, and JJ gets a rose but then brings back that weird
old-person voice. Not okay.
While all of this was going on, there were a
couple of interesting developments. First, Jamie sealed up the “furthest
ethnic person” points when Ron had to leave the house after the death of a
close friend. In an odd bit of foreshadowing, Josh said “This could
happen to any of us.” I don’t think they showed Eric at that point, but I
wouldn’t put it past the producers to let that happen. Also, Dylan took a
moment away from spitting hot fire
and not washing his hair to explain that he NEEDS to tell Andi his story.
His story? Dead siblings. Weird that he is desperate to tell her
about this, but it is a surefire way to prove that he is opening up. Be
careful, Dylan, we all saw this backfire on Kat and her alcoholic dad.
So the rose ceremony comes around, and the first
thing that happens is that Eric gets cockblocked hard by Nick, who somehow
managed to send flowers to Andi at the house. How is this something they
can do and how has nobody ever done this before? Who signed for
them? Who decided to deliver them to her when she was talking to another
guy? How did he even pull this off? This was a super smooth
move. I don’t like Nick much, but I have to hand it to him, he killed it
with his explanation that he was just doing the things he would do if this was
real life. But we all quickly forgot about the flowers when a scandal
rocked the house! Andrew, you see, had gotten a girl’s number at a
dinner! How did we find out? Well, JJ explained the entire story in
detail to Josh in the middle of the cocktail party. Josh took this very
personally. He pulled Andrew aside and asked him if he was there for the
right reasons. THE RIGHT REASONS! If only Soulja Boy was around to
add a new verse to the greatest rap ever written (sorry Kanye, you’ve been beaten).
Andrew handled the accusations like an adult, in that he immediately ran
upstairs and locked himself in a room. I don’t know you guys, I think
he’s innocent? Despite all the guys who were so angry about Andrew’s
game, none of them tell Andi because Bros before hoes. In a rose ceremony
that shocked absolutely nobody, Andi told Bradley the bad opera singer and
Brett the ambiguously gay mulleted hairstylist to hit the road.
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