Episode Five - Race Wars!

First off, many apologies for the late arrival of the recap of this week’s episode.  Unfortunately, I sometimes have to do the job that actually pays my bills, much as I would rather devote all of my time to focusing on reality television.  Now, onto the action.

This week brought us to Marseille which, as with every single other location ever visited in the Bachelor franchise, is the perfect place to fall in love.  To Chris Harrison’s glee, this episode started with a sit-down between Chris and Andi (who appeared to be wearing a skirt made of trash bags).  Andi supposedly took French in high school, though her current level of skill is on par with Kevin McCallister.  Chris asked Andi if she was falling in love, and she responded with three of the only words in her vocabulary (“Stop! Shut up!”).  Good talk.

First date this week was a one-on-one with Josh.  Andi is concerned that her connection with Josh is purely physical, and she probably has a point there.  That guy is not the sharpest crayon in the box.  He had some pretty good lines about quitting sports so that he could have a family, though its clearly untrue.  If Josh was going to be successful at baseball, he’d still be playing instead of settling for being the second best athlete in the family.  Josh’s athletic prowess is a very big topic of conversation because Andi believes that all athletes are cheaters.  But not, Josh, no way.  One time, his college girlfriend kissed another guy, so he would never do that to somebody.  Either Andi bought his story or she really wanted to get to that Ben Fields concert, because Josh got his rose and it was time for another private show!  Do you think ABC flew this guy to France, or was he already there?  What kind of private concert budget does this show have?   Do they save so much money by never playing songs anyone knows that it all evens out?  I have a lot of questions.

Meanwhile, back at the house, things are happening.  The group date invitation comes and holy shit, is Cody wearing the deepest V-neck ever made?  I’m not sure there’s any point of wearing an actual shirt if you’re going to expose your chest to your navel?  Never mind that, though, we have a race war in the house!  JJ the snitch decided that his blood feud with Andrew would continue this week and told Marquel, the only remaining “ethnic” contestant that at the first rose ceremony, Andrew said “She gave it to the two blackies.”  First of all, who under the age of 80 would ever use the word “blackies”?  I don’t necessarily disbelieve that Andrew said something, but I have a hard time believing those were his words.  Regardless, Marquel is really upset, which he should be, though his level of emotion indicates that he’s never seen this show before.  Let’s just say that the Bachelor franchise has been historically unkind to persons of color, and Marquel is no exception (though I’d say he’s put himself in a pretty good position to become our first Bachelor of color).  But enough about institutional racism, there’s a miming lesson to get to!

Yes, that’s right, this week’s group date was a “lesson in communication” involving little to no communication.  Andi’s reign of terror and public humiliation continued at mime school and I am not on board.  Apparently neither were the Parisians accosted by a bunch of unenthusiastic and untalented American mimes.  Marquel made a baby cry, and that was after he took off his ridiculous tropical themed t-shirt!  Luckily that segment finally ended because Andi needed her wine.  JJ, fresh off his mission to create chaos in the house, whisked Andi away for a ride on a ferris wheel.  Now, this ride seemed to otherwise be shut down so, much like Nick’s mysterious flower delivery a couple weeks ago, I’m starting to question what these producers are doing behind the scenes to boost certain contestants along.  How dare they manipulate the natural and organic process of finding love on national television!  Speaking of Nick, he is quickly emerging as this season’s Tierra.  He is NOT here to make friends.  When someone asks whether he thinks he’s the front-runner, he responds “Yeah, probably.” Oh boy.  Cody, who is inexplicably still in the running, is especially offended by Nick, particularly since he made fun of Cody at some point in the fake episode last week that nobody watched.  Andi can tell that the guys are pissed off and is pressing hard on these guys to share the gossip.  At least twice, she said something to the effect of “If I was your wife, would you tell me?”  I think my favorite part of this entire episode was the point when she said to Farmer Chris “I get it, you don’t give up your bros before...” and then realized what the last part of that sentence should be (it’s “hoes”, the last part of the sentence is “hoes”).  Classic.  So then Nick strolls in for his private time, and despite sulking all day long, starts off by saying “Today was so much fun!”  What a tool.  He also read some sort of poem or letter to Andi, which was utterly forgettable until he finished and went on to read his name at the bottom of the page.  Umm, you don’t have to say “Nick” at the end if you’re reading it to her in person, she already knows it’s you.  In the background, Marquel decides that a group date setting is the perfect time to confront Andrew, who naturally denies saying anything, so that conversation goes nowhere, except that then Andrew tells Andi that he thinks maybe he should leave.  Andi’s response is basically “okay, if that’s what you want.”  Andrew is a douche, and nobody cares if he leaves.  The group date rose eventually goes to JJ, and Nick is in shock that being a whiny baby for 85% of the date didn’t solidify his place in Andi’s heart.

Next up is another one-on-one date with Brian.  I swear that I spent most of the episode thinking this guy’s name was Craig.  He looks like a Craig, doesn’t he?  So their date was allegedly dinner and a movie, but was more like a 30 minute commercial for the movie “The Hundred Foot Journey.”  Like, they legitimately showed multiple full scenes of this movie.  The only reason I’ve even heard of The Hundred Foot Journey is because there are commercials for it playing non-stop in NYC cabs at the moment and even though I probably saw the ad for the movie 10 times, I still never remembered the name.  Of course, the tie-in fell flat when the post-movie cooking turned into an absolute disaster.  It was so awkward and painful to watch.  Brian/Craig was really not enjoying himself.  They finally gave up on their home-cooked dinner and went to a restaurant where Andi basically begged him to kiss her.  For some reason, Brian/Craig closed out the date by dragging Andi into the restaurant’s kitchen to make out some more, which was pretty weird.

After a very dramatic gate opening, Chris Harrison made his triumphant return to inform the fellas that there would be no cocktail party tonight!  Andi was ready to trim the fat, and she wasn’t going to mess around.  We get right down to business, and Andi starts handing out roses, pausing between each to pick up the rose and bring it to chest level, holding it with two hands like a softball pitcher preparing for an important pitch.  In the end, Andi sent Andrew, Patrick and Marquel packing and while that was not necessarily surprising, I am personally flabbergasted that Cody is still there.  How does he keep sneaking by, especially with that hair?   I was rooting for Patrick until his farewell was essentially “I don’t get it, everyone tells me I’m so awesome, and not just girls!”  See you on Bachelor Pad, Patrick!  Speaking of which, I don’t think I’m wrong in stating unequivocally that the most exciting part of this episode was the commercial for Bachelor in Paradise.  I cannot wait for a gathering of the most unstable and narcissistic contestants that the Bachelor has to offer, and I am VERY curious to see how the girl with one arm performs in the physical challenges.

So that’s where we are now.  Next week, we head to Venice and continue to dig into the mystery of the anonymous love note that we’ve all already forgotten about.

Points
JJ – 5 (Group date rose – sorry, no points for inciting a race riot)