Episode Nine - No Besitos for Andi

It’s been a long and arduous journey, but we finally made it guys.  It’s Fantasy Suite time!  As we all know, there was a particularly strong build-up to this one based on the previews.  Our guesses on what happened between Juan Pablo and Andi during their overnight date ranged from sexual assault to...well, sexual assault, and while we may have been slightly off on that, at least something interesting finally happened.

Juan Pablo was especially excited about the overnight dates, because there would be no cameras so they could really talk.  Sure,  Juan Pablo who communicates almost exclusively in besitos just wants to chat for a while.

We start off with his date with Clare, who says that she is not sure whether she will opt to forego her individual room and spend the night in the Fantasy Suite with JP.  I love this thing that the women do where they’re all “I wouldn’t spend the night / take him home to meet my family / accept this rose unless I was sure about this” as if they all don’t just end up doing it.  Anyways, Clare tries to bring up her hometown date and talk about her feelings about this little interaction with her troll sister, so JP does what he does best and just interjects “Oh, your mom is so cute!”  It’s nice to see people emotionally connect like that.  After some highly calculated talk about Camila (Clare is really going for the gold), we speed right along to JP presenting Clare with the Fantasy Suite card.  To literally nobody’s surprise, Clare accepts, though not before JP backtracks on everything he said to her in Vietnam.  I guess when there’s guaranteed sex on the table, he’s a little less concerned about what his “dotter” thinks.  So yeah, they did it (almost definitely). Nice foreshadowing by ABC here where, immediately after their fantasy suite date night, they show a bunch of crabs scurrying across the beach.  Subtle guys, very subtle.

I’m going to go out of order here and talk about Nikki first so we can save the main event until the end, since that’s all that really matters.  Nikki’s date was about as exciting as Clare’s (so pretty much not at all).  Keeping with her cowboy theme, JP takes her to go ride some horses and – holy crap, what the hell is she wearing?  Is that a suede fringed bikini top paired with patterned harem pants?  She looked like an extra on an adult version of the Aladdin remake. Was it laundry day there?  Juan didn’t seem to mind it, though he would have preferred that she rode the horse in just a thong, you know, because he’s a gentleman.  I honestly remember very little else from this date, except that I’m starting to think Nikki and JP may not actually be that mismatched when it comes to intelligence levels.  This is not a compliment to either of them.  Anyways, they did it (probably).

But who cares about Clare and Nikki when we all came here to see Andi!  The date itself was pretty awkward, with the weirdly forced interaction with the young boys who wouldn’t speak (and yet Andi raved about how good he was with them) and the conversation/interview about just how badly Andi wanted to fall in love.  This really seemed like an appropriate time for a parental lesson about not only not talking to strangers, but also not taking mysterious juice drinks from them. I found this very, very weird.  JP also does this really cool thing where he prefaces his talks about the future with her by saying “If I decide I like Andi...” which must make her feel really good.  Apparently it does, because she accepts the key to the Fantasy Suite without hesitation and boy is she excited for the night as we fade to commercial.

The next morning, things had changed, though Juan Pablo was entirely unaware of that development.  It turns out that over the course of the evening, Andi finally figured out that Juan Pablo is less of a dreamboat and more of a narcissistic asshole.  In his commitment to honesty, he made sure to tell Andi that he’d already had his overnight with Clare, which I’m guessing came up after he and Andi had already gotten it on.  He also ALLEGEDLY told her she was there by default after he got rid of Renee, which he denies saying, based on the argument that he doesn’t know the word “default” and really he only told her that she had just barely made it there, so that’s much better. 

Then Andi starts a conversation that may just blow up the entire world of the Bachelor franchise by pointing out that he actually knows nothing about her at a point where he could potentially propose in one week.  She gripes about how he only ever talks about himself and that he doesn’t even know her religion or how she feels about social issues (though we know how he feels about social issues...I’m talking about the gays...he doesn’t like them).  He tries to big time her by asking if she knows what his religion is, at which point he got SERVED.  In your face, Juan Pablo. In. Your. Face.  She’s also not so stoked that he loves to brush aside concerns with a “Shhh, it’s okay” and some besitos (too bad she never got the chance to experience an “I’m going to be mad if you cry” or “Look at me, look at me, look at me”) and by that point, she was 100% done, which you may or may not have been able to tell by the look on her face.  In the end, Juan Pablo wasn’t that bummed about her leaving because she argued with him, so I think his future relationships probably have a really good chance of survival as long as nobody disagrees with him ever. Can I just point out that this argument by Andi was probably the most concise, logical, and well-arranged statement of facts by anyone on the show, ever?  And JP was just completely dumbfounded.  Sharleen is probably still the smartest panda bear on this show (she was, after all, the first one to figure it out, and I’m sure her feelings of regret may lapse once she actually watches this season).  Congratulations to Andi for pretty much locking up the next Bachelorette spot.

The Juan-on-Juan talk between JP and Chris Harrison was yet another doozy on this episode, which as a whole seemed to really focus on Juan Pablo’s inability to use his words to express thoughts.  It was already pretty clear that Chris does not like JP, and that was only amplified by this ridiculous conversation: “How are you feeling about this?” “I feel good.” “What does that mean?” “I feel good.” “You must feel more than good at this point?” “Yes, I feel very good about the prospects.”  How weird that Andi thinks that he’s incapable of expressing emotion!

                                                                                                                                                    

I don’t know if you caught this, but Nikki nearly crying when she learned that Andi left was the most emotion that has been shown by anyone at an elimination.  I was surprised that he actually admitted that she left instead of making it seem like he sent her home, but God bless JP for not even trying to spin it as “You two are the ones that I wanted anyway I’m so happy you’re both the final two.”  He basically said, “Ehhh, if you guys want to be here great, but I could take it or leave it, ees okay.”  So we’re down to our last two now, and frankly I couldn’t care less who he ends up with.  I’m guessing that whoever it is, they’ll be broken up before the second US Weekly cover (that’s how we measure relationships now, right?).  Congratulations to Dickson for sweeping the final two and claiming an impressive victory this year.  I can only hope to learn at your temple and go worst-to-first next year.

Next week, the women are telling all, so probably no recap.  Until then, much like Andi in the Fantasy Suite, I’m going to close my eyes and hope this ends soon.

Episode Eight - The episode before THE EPISODE

In light of the previews for tomorrow’s episode, it seems almost cruel of Chris Harrison to not only subject us to another episode before, and even crueler that it was an episode where pretty much nothing happened.  Thank god for Clare’s sister, the female Danny Devito, for at least bringing some excitement to the table. 

This episode was way too boring to merit a real recap, especially when I need to save my energy for tonight’s Assault in the Fantasy Suite, so this recap is going to consist solely of questions that I had throughout the episode, please feel free to share your answers:

Did they not show JP’s talks with all the parents since he just gave the same rehearsed speech to all of them?  Is JP too good to ask for permission to marry the women?  Who taught him to eat ribs with his fingertips and why didn’t anyone correct him?  Is anyone surprised that Nikki knows her way around a mechanical bull?  What is the cost of living in Kansas City and does a house that big mean Nikki’s family is rich?  In what world do Nikki and Juan Pablo share a “mental attraction”?  Is Andi’s new ombre hair inspired by Jared Leto?  Is there any better way to win a man’s affection than to completely emasculate him at a shooting range?  Is there even the slightest possibility that Andi and Juan Pablo have witty conversations that go back and forth for hours?  How weird was it when Andi’s mom tried to proposition her daughter’s boyfriend?  Will Andi’s dad ever “essept” JP and Camila?  Can Andi’s dad be the next Chris Harrison?  Did Juan Pablo actually understand that Andi’s dad does not approve of this relationship?  Whose idea was it for Juan Pablo to meet Renee’s son right before he dumped her?  Is that kid super awkward, or did he just not want to be on camera?  If Renee was madly in love with JP after 8 weeks and a single 1-on-1 date, is it really any mystery why she’s a single mom?   After seeing how old her parents are, does Renee still really expect us to believe she's 32?  Does Clare talk about anything other than her father?  Does the appearance of every single one of Clare's sisters not terrify Juan Pablo for how Clare is going to age?  How does Juan Pablo manage to make Clare’s grieving about him?  What is the age range of Clare’s sisters?   How much would it suck to be one of the ugly sisters (to be fair, it’s most of them, so strength in numbers I guess)?  Will Laura be the next Bachelorette?  Did anyone else think Clare’s mom was either slow or senile until she was finally allowed to speak?  Why is the way they say "mama" so creepy?  WHY DID WE NOT SEE THE VIDEO FROM CLARE’S DAD???  Everyone catch when Clare said she’s not in love yet but would accept a proposal “in a heartbeat”?  Was that the least shocking rose ceremony in Bachelor history since it was glaringly obvious from the previews (and the cover of US Weekly) who made it to the Fantasy Suites?  If I keep killing my brain cells by watching this show, will I one day be as dumb as Juan Pablo?

Episode Seven – Bienvenidos a Miami

Can you believe we’re already approaching hometowns?  This season has really flown right by!  We’re just a few short weeks away from a possible proposal, and only one week away from what looks like an incredible Fantasy Suite episode.  What happened with Andi out there???  Are we going to get our first Bachelor lawsuit?? The anticipation is probably going to kill me.

This week brought us a long-awaited early exit by Sharleen, a moment she has teased us with since the first episode.  Turns out South Beach was too hot for that Panda Bear.  She did get another 1-on-1 date this episode and responded with great excitement at getting chosen by being all, “Oh, okay I guess” and then standing pensively on a balcony before heading out.  The rest of the ladies then discuss how Juan Pablo is not really Sharleen’s type because she likes intellectuals.  It’s good to know they actually realize what a dumbass this guy is!  Back on the yacht, Juan Pablo does his usual “Look at me, look at me” and I think that he and Sharleen just made out a lot.  It was hard to tell if they kissed because we didn’t get about a million tight shots of their tongues in each other’s mouths.  When they did finally come up for air, Sharleen expressed concern at the fact that they pretty much always just kiss and don’t talk and even just straight up said “I wish I was dumber,” and Juan’s response, as usual, was to be completely oblivious to her hesitation and instead thanked her for her honesty.  Yup, a true intellectual.  When she finally made up her mind to leave, she went and told a few of the girls who were barely able to conceal their excitement.  Clare probably ran to get a producer screaming “NO TAKE BACKS!” to make it happen before Sharleen changed her mind, and Andi just gave a half-hearted “Are you sure?”  After an entirely whispered conversation with some more face-grabbing and “Look at me, stop crying” commands, Juan said the most unintelligible phrase that I’ve heard, and which I had to go back and transcribe: “Sometimes honesty is not appreciated.  And I like it.  I’d rather not being appreciated and being honest than being appreciated and not being honest.”  Somebody please explain that to me.  Also, it’s pretty questionable as to whether he even realized that she was breaking up with him since she used too many big words for him to comprehend.

When Nikki was chosen for the next 1-on-1, my heart truly sank, mostly because I realized that we aren’t getting any 2-on-1 dates this season.  What the hell is up with that?  It’s pretty unfair to those of us loyal viewers to not reward us with a date full of open aggression between women.  Luckily, Clare and Nikki knew what we needed and helped us out with that later on.

First, though, Nikki went on what might be the most awkward, terrible date in Bachelor history, easily eclipsing Kat’s date earlier this season in Salt Lake City.  After Sharleen got to spend a day on a yacht, Nikki was made to spend an afternoon watching Camila’s dance recital alongside JP’s parents AND HIS EX-WIFE.  Yikes.  Bet she was really regretting those tiny shorts at that point.  You know, for a guy who claims to be so protective of his daughter and every other child on Earth, bringing one of the 6 women he’s dating to meet Camila is a pretty interesting choice.  After the recital, they went for a picnic at Marlins stadium, where Juan supposedly “works”.  Juan made her play catch on the field, despite the fact that Nikki was wearing a top that appeared to be held up by nothing more than some double-sided boob tape but still somehow avoided a wardrobe malfunction.  There were more conversations where Nikki asked thoughtful questions about the future and Juan is just like “Oh yeah, my ex who is the mother of my child is totally cool with me going on TV and hooking up with a dozen different women in a medium preserved for all eternity” and otherwise responded in a way that made it clear that he didn’t understand the question, and then I think Nikki told us that she’s in love.  It was pretty shocking that we didn’t see Nikki rub the family meet-up in the other girls’ faces, mostly because Clare would have had no choice but to reveal that she’s already made a visit to Poundtown, Vietnam, but it either didn’t happen or wasn’t filmed.  Bummer.

The group date was pretty uneventful once again.  Chelsie showed up with her diary, and Andi required her daily assurances.  Clare, in a bold push for a hometown date, brought up the video her dad made for her before he died, which could only mean one thing – we are totally going to see this video.  Once again, Clare thinks she has the group date rose in the bag, so when Andi’s name gets called, the cameraman does us a kindness by immediately focusing on Clare's reaction.  She is definitely going to murder somebody.  Chelsie, Clare and Renee are sent back on the seaplane (where Clare goes “Let’s f*cking wrap this sh*t up and get out of here” as JP and Andi wave at them from the beach) while Andi puts on a Miami-length dress to listen to the smooth sounds of Romeo Santos while dancing in the most stiff and awkward manner possible in the middle of the crowd.  Of course, that was not the most awkward thing that happened that night in light of the conversation back at the house when the rest of the girls got home.  Sensing that some shit-talking about Andi was about to happen, Nikki bounced out of an already hostile situation, but Clare wasn’t done because she is a 32-year-old single hairstylist from Sacramento and she will NOT be disrespected.  The two of them swipe at each other for a while, and then the argument ends with an exchange that I am pretty sure I had with my brother a hundred times when I was younger.

The cocktail party only continued and escalated the earlier awkwardness.  I don’t know about you guys, but I just about died when the other girls went to the bathroom and left Nikki and Clare as the only people left on the couches and, like the adults they are, they sat in complete silence for about 90 seconds.  Kudos to them for really going all in on ignoring each other even without a phone to pretend to be texting on.  It was pretty incredible.  It makes me sad to think that the women aren’t going to be stuck with each other anymore now that things are finally getting real.  Before things could come to blows, though, Chris Harrison materialized from the ether to let us know that it was time for the most important rose ceremony yet.  Aren’t they all the most important rose ceremony yet?  Are any less important than others?  I will say that this one had the most dramatic rose ceremony music yet, so it had that going for it.  Not too surprisingly, Chelsie didn’t get a rose (and Jamie finally lost his first contestant).  I may be getting ahead of myself here, but I think Chelsie could possibly be a good contender for our next Bachelorette.  Of those that are left, Nikki is too bitchy, Renee is too old (plus that kid, talk about baggage), Clare is too crazy and Andi is too sane (but also wildly insecure).

Next Monday we go to the hometowns, but does anybody really care about the hometowns after that preview for Tuesday’s Fantasy Suite dates?  Are there bonus points for being roofied on camera?

Congratulations to Chris and Jamie, the last men standing in the competition.  It’s a real race to the bottom.

Episode Six – Happy birthday, Cassandra!

It’s been another week in the Bachelor universe, and we’re all getting closer to finding love.  Well, everyone except Kat and Cassandra.  They are destined to be alone forever.

We did learn a lot of lessons this week.  We learned that you should ALWAYS tell people when it’s your birthday.  We learned that Juan Pablo does not understand the expressions “bolt” or “frazzled” or “cut to the chase.”  We learned that opening up about your alcoholic father is not the key to a man’s heart.  And we learned that after you go on incredible trips to South Korea, Vietnam and New Zealand, the next logical destination is Miami. 

At the start of this episode, I actually thought to myself the same thing baby Trey had been thinking for the past few weeks: “Whatever happened to Cassandra?”   It turns out she went from an early leader to a non-factor.  More on that later.

This week brought us to New Zealand, a country with more sheep than people and just the place to fall in love.  This location hit particularly close to home for me, as during my year abroad in Sydney, I spent a few days in New Zealand with a couple other girls from my program, one of whom was a raging bitch.  More on that later, too.  This was also where Andi got her first one-on-one date, and thank goodness for that, since maybe now she’ll finally shut up about not getting a date yet.  JP takes her out on a lake, which takes them to a spot that JP learned about from some “locals” and their captain tells them they are going swimming, which brings us to our Vine of the Week!  Yikes.  Juan and Andi somehow magically transform into their bathing suits to traverse their way through The Squeeze.  This is somehow a trust exercise and they eventually make their way to a waterfall.  However, this was no Color Me Badd video sexy waterfall, but actually a very violent gush of water that seems like it was probably painful to stand under.  Nonetheless, Andi and JP share a very intense make out session, and we learn that Juan likes Andi (“I like Andi”).  Later, they sit down for dinner, where they discuss string theory and their favorite Rilke poems – just kidding, they just say things like “Today was so much fun” and “It’s raining” and then make out for a while before a geyser drives them out of their spot.  I want to think that the editors are cutting out the deep conversations Juan has with the girls, but I feel like the reality is that Juan is as dumb as a box of rocks and doesn’t know how to say anything other than little cutesy things that could also be said to a child.  Does anyone know anything about him other than that he has a daughter and speaks Spanish?  Have we already forgotten that when JP was on Desiree’s season we didn’t even know he had a kid until about episode seven?  Whatever, Andi gets a rose.

We move on to the group date, which falls on Cassandra’s 22^nd birthday, and she thinks that getting a rose would be the best birthday present ever, but then she never told Juan that it was her birthday!   Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when it’s my birthday, EVERYBODY knows it.  And it is common knowledge that on a group date, the rose generally goes to the girl who garners the most sympathy, and I think that being on the other side of the world from your family and friends (and child) on your birthday would probably get you a sympathy rose.  Also, JP probably wouldn’t have sent you packing in the middle of the date without even letting you say goodbye to your friends had he known.  Poor form, Cassandra.

Anyways, this date involves hanging out in a field (and for those of us who watched the last scene over the credits, a sheep poop fight) and going down a hill in an inflatable ball.  I actually did this when I was in Rotorua, New Zealand (the inflatable ball, not the sheep poop) and I will tell you that it is awesome.  Sadly, I was not wearing a bathing suit as cool as Sharleen’s white fringe number, but nobody’s perfect.  So after that, JP and the producers decided to turn up the romance with a trip to Hobbitton, because these girls seem like they’re pretty big LOTR fans (okay, Sharleen is).  It was the usual – the girls each try to sit down with JP and open up and instead of responding in kind, he tells them he likes them and then attacks their faces.  After another difficult to watch kiss, Sharleen gets the rose and Cassandra gets the boot.  I would say the worst part about Cassandra getting kicked off from there was that her farewell interview was seemingly filmed while they were off-roading.  When Cassandra said “I just feel sick,” it was unclear whether that had to do with Juan Pablo or that bumpy road.  Rough stuff.

Clare was our other one-on-one date this week, and when the date card came she was all “What? Who, me?”  I hate her.  They go hang out in Lake Taupo, which is a place I really wanted to go when I was in NZ (apparently it’s one of the best places to go skydiving – missed opportunity, Bachelor producers), but my nemesis that I was on the trip with refused to go, which led to a three-person screaming match in the middle of a parking lot in Rotorua and I’ve never forgiven that girl, so watching this date was pretty bittersweet for me.  They sit around for a while talking about...Vietnamgate? Oceangate? Watergate?  Yes, let’s go with that, it was our generation’s Watergate.  It’s becoming less clear that they banged in the ocean, despite the strong hinting last week, and may be more about the fact that it was inappropriate of Clare to come steal him away at 4:30 in the morning?   I don’t even know what I believe anymore.  The entire conversation made no sense to me, but was exactly what Clare needed to hear before their dinner at the Hilton Lake Taupo.  That’s an interesting choice for a dinner location.  Clare’s all, “I’m just a regular girl.  Sports!  Beer!  No fancy dinners!” so naturally they change into Justin Bieber-style drop crotch sweat pants and dance to their favorite Josh Krajcik song.  This is definitely the most developed relationship thus far, but I think Clare is peaking way too early.  The closer she gets at this point, the more jealous she’s going to be as JP keeps hooking up with other women, and you know this chick is a nut-job.  Somebody in this house is going to get stabbed sooner or later (probably Nikki).

At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison finally graces us with a sit-down and Chelsie, in a moment of clarity rarely seen on The Bachelor, correctly deduces that Nikki has got this in the bag, and if Renee wasn’t getting a rose, JP would have sent her packing with Cassandra, so this last rose is between her and Kat.  Kat was shockingly confident for someone who hasn’t even kissed this guy yet.  For some reason, she thinks that if she talks about her alcoholic dad and her journaling that Juan will most definitely give her a rose.  Uhh, Kat, the only good dad on this show is a dead dad (see Clare).  Ultimately, the approach is unsuccessful and Kat (and I along with her, with an all-time low score) are out of the running.  On the way out, she continues to show why she probably has no female friends by saying “Everyone just tells me how I’m so great and I’m such a catch, but here I am.”  As the show ends, Sharleen once again goes on and on about how she wants to leave, which almost certainly means that she won’t leave.  She says she’s giving it another week, ostensibly to find out where they’re going after Miami to make up her mind.

Coming up, Nikki and Clare go to war, the ladies cry about not getting one-on-one time, and Juan Pablo cries like a little girl!