Groan Sexy – A Very Bachelor Wedding
[Ed. note – some of you may have inexplicably chosen not to watch the wedding
of the year last night because you couldn’t bear to miss one second of
Macklemore (Chris), but viewing is not required for this recap. I watched
so you didn’t have to.]
Did everybody pray for Sean and Catherine and
their marriage last night? Okay, good.
As we’re all aware, Sean and Catherine were
married last night and the wedding special was the opposite of everything I
wanted it to be. Instead of focusing on dinner-table conversations and
the traditional airing of grievances among previous Bachelor cast-offs, we were
instead treated to over an hour of Catherine and Sean, dressed in his best
undershirt and blazer, hanging out in bridal shops, bakeries and flower shops,
each of which kindly “donated” their services to this wedding. I don’t
know if anyone else caught this, but at one point while one of these ridiculous
scenes was happening, in the small box on the lower left-hand corner of the
screen (you know, the one where they kept showing the bed in the honeymoon
suite?), Sean’s dad was talking to ANDY DICK. What monster at ABC decided
to not let us into that conversation?? We did get to see some old
friends, including Trista and Ryan, JP and Ashley, Desiree and her
consolation prize Chris, Jason and Molly, Ali, Arie, Jef with one “f” and
our favorite Bachelor personality, Neil Lane. Obviously Chris Harrison
was there, because where else would he be?
I was very disappointed in myself that I
didn’t immediately start counting the number of times that Catherine used the
words “grown sexy” or the number of weirdly chaste kisses they shared. I
think both numbers were in the high hundreds though. And how about that
old lady wedding planner, huh? How quickly do you think she Googled
“grown sexy” after Catherine left?
Does anyone know if Sean and Catherine were
waiting for their wedding night to consummate the relationship? It wasn’t
really mentioned a creepy number of times. Sean’s visit to the lingerie
store was so mortifying for everyone involved, and thank goodness that right at
that moment Lisa Vanderpump showed up in the small box with her dog Giggy and I
could get back to normal levels. Oh, and those boudoir photos...who does
Catherine think she is? Yolanda Foster? I hope that everyone
reading this watches Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or none of this paragraph
will make sense.
Just before the wedding, it was time for the
obligatory sit-down with Chris Harrison. I didn’t pay much attention, but
I think it was mostly about Sean and Catherine having sex and then he gave them
his blessing to marry? This conversation naturally took place in the
honeymoon suite and Catherine made a joke about Chris hiding under the bed on
the wedding night that maybe hit too close to home.
Finally, it was time for the wedding!
Cool Lesley from Catherine’s season was one of the bridesmaids, which is
slightly odd. She was making out with Sean like a year ago. I guess
anything goes in the Bachelor universe (speaking of which, when does the next
Bachelor Pad start???). Catherine’s dress was really beautiful, which is
not really a surprise when Monique Lhullier herself helped pick it out, and her
twelve minute walk down the aisle was accompanied by my favorite duo, 2
Cellos. What, was Josh Kracjik not available? Yes, I will be
working Josh Kracjik into every recap this season. Sean’s dad conducted a
surprisingly fast ceremony just before the TV time-out in the middle of the
wedding. When we came back from mid-wedding commercials, Sean and
Catherine read their vows to each other, and my rough summarization of
Catherine’s vows are as follows: “I will love you after I suffer a
massive heart attack. I will love you after we out-live our own
children. I will love you after we both fade into dementia and don’t
recognize our own families.” So beautiful. The wedding ended, and
Chris held the guests hostage by standing in the middle of the aisle and not
letting anyone pass, and Sean and Catherine shared a few more chaste
kisses.
The reception was delightful, the perfect mix
of grown sexy, whimsical, romantic and ketchup. Arie and Jef acted as
each other’s wingmen, collecting numbers all night before heading to a bar on
State Street to pick up some UCSB undergrads for the after-party (go
Gauchos!). As the night went on, Sean began to sip his champagne at a
more frantic pace, as he realized the implications of the late hour. It
was getting late, guests were leaving in groups, each with a parting “have a
great night,” said with a wink and a nod. Finally, just a few guests were
left. Juan Pablo was teaching a besotted young bridesmaid how to salsa
and Ryan Sutter sat at the bar drinking whiskey, thankful that Trista had gone
up to bed early, leaving him a long-deserved night of freedom.
It was time, though. Catherine had a
few glasses of champagne, and she wanted nothing more than a trip to
Consummation Station. Sean looked around, hoping to make eye contact with
someone, anyone he could latch onto to delay their departure, but no
luck. They newlyweds made their way up to the Honeymoon Suite, where a
camera was pointed at their bed to memorialize yet another moment of Bachelor
history. It was fast, clumsy. Sean apologized profusely. “I
can do better,” he said, “just give me a few minutes.” Catherine was
reassuring, though secretly annoyed. Sean closed his eyes for a quick
prayer, asking for anything that might help build his confidence and allow him
to please his wife on their wedding night. Just then, the closet door
creaked open, and Sean’s prayers were answered. “Will you accept my final
rose?” Chris whispered. [Fade out, a train’s whistle blows in the
background, and we all get the super subtle reference.]
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