Episode Four – Oppa Juangnam Style!

Last night on El Bachelor...

Apparently unsatisfied with choosing super random cities for dates (hi, Salt Lake City!) the Bachelor took us to South Korea last night.  Nothing says romance like harsh neon lights and Psy, I suppose.  Upon hearing the news of their destination, Clare said “Korea?!? I don’t even have a kimono!” and at that moment, even before everything else she did in this episode, I truly hoped that the producers would take her to the North Korean border and just leave her there.

JP and the ladies teleported to Korea, and Nikki went on and on about how she didn’t want to get a group date and, uh, Nikki?  Nobody wants to get a group date.  Lo and behold, Nikki got a group date and she was not happy.  Is anyone else getting shades of Tierra from this chick?  The clue was “POP” and so Nikki, Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle and Kat sat in a van guessing that their date involved popcorn or bubble gum.  Bless their hearts.  It was not, in fact, a bubble blowing competition, but a foray into the world of K-Pop which, according to Juan Pabs, is taking over America.  Okay.  He tells us that the group 21 is as big as the Spice Girls back in the day.  Okay. 

Anyways, the girls and JP were going to learn a dance to be back-up dancers for 21, and Kat was stoked because she’s apparently a dancer?  Frankly, this whole thing was embarrassing for Kat and for me, as a person who picked Kat.  I regret my choices and so should she.  I had a lot of other questions about this date though.  If Cassandra a retired NBA dancer why is she so bad at dancing?  Was Danielle even on the date?  How come only one of the members of the group was allowed to speak?  If they’re the biggest K-Pop group in Korea, why are they playing a concert in a mall?  Was Juan Pablo wearing skinny capris?

The second part of the date was mostly devoted to watching Nikki talk mad shit about Kat and just be super whiny.  Kat did, however, tell JP that her father is an alcoholic, so we can all check the “daddy issues” box on our score-sheets.  Elise used her time with JP to tell him that some of the women won’t be good mothers.  Elise said this.  Elise, who was in a soft core porn called Yule Log Hotties (I don’t think there’s nudity, but NSFW – another thanks to C. Deezy for telling me about this) and also used to hook up with The Situation.   In the end, Kat’s breaking down walls and getting down on the dancefloor was not enough to secure the rose, and Nikki has now taken home her second group date rose.

Sharleen was the lucky recipient of this week’s one-on-one date.  JP prepared for this date by taking an on-camera shower and then putting on his best tight yellow jeans.  They walk through some kind of flea market, and I realized that I can’t tell whether she is really smart or he is really dumb.  Later on, in the dullest conversation ever, she tells him he’s not dull, which is apparently the opposite of what she’s been telling everyone in the house.  Red flags!  She may not be here for the right reasons!  Juan basically forces her to sing for him, which she acts like is some huge groundbreaking thing that she can only do for people she’s comfortable with.  Bitch, you are a professional singer, this should not be an issue.  At dinner, she basically tells JP that she hates kids and dated a guy who had a kid and she resented that she came second in his life and yet somehow he gives her a rose for her honesty.  I guess that settles it, he is just really dumb.

On the next group date, Juan takes Clare, Kelly, Renee, Andy, Alli and Lauren for a walk through the streets of Seoul, where they stop at a life-sized dollhouse with very creepy young Korean girls holding dolls peeping out from behind window shades.  This is either the first scene of a horror movie or a karaoke establishment.  The group does some culturally sensitive karaoke and then they ride swan boats to get fish pedicures.  Are we giving out points for the girl who gets the first staph infection?  My money is on Renee.  Clare spends a lot of time in interviews complaining about how she’s not getting enough time with JP while the other girls complain about how Clare is constantly all up in his grill. Then there was the whole thing with the octopus, which I don’t even have to go into because Kelly and Andi replayed it so perfectly later on in the date that any other attempts would pale in comparison.  I have to admit that Kelly has really grown on me.  She doesn’t seem to really care about Juan Pablo (an automatic plus) and I think she might just be there to have a better yard for Molly to play in.  Back to the date though, as Juan Pablo, who decided that he wasn’t going to kiss anyone on the date and went so far as to publicly humiliate both Renee and Lauren in the process, was so turned on by Clare’s story about throwing up in her mouth and swallowing it back down that he had to kiss her.  Clare was certain that she going to get that rose, but JP shocked us all and gave it to 8-second murderer convicting Andi.

At the rose ceremony, we started with some obvious foreshadowing as we’re told that they agreed that the girls with roses wouldn’t try to monopolize JP’s time that night.  Almost immediately, Nikki goes to break up Clare’s time with JP (which he probably appreciated since she was talking about her dead dad AGAIN) and all the girls whined about it without actually doing anything to stop her or cut off her time.  Nikki told Juan that the true sign that a woman is interested in a man is if she can’t make eye contact with him, and that this is proven by Science. I didn’t think that was right, but if Science says so it must be true.  Afterwards, Clare and Nikki take swipes at each other and Kelly is stuck in the middle, literally, and does us all a favor by pointing out how awkward that is.  Clare told Nikki that if JP could see how she was in the house, he wouldn’t give her a rose and Nikki was all, then it’s a good thing you’re not giving out the roses.  Sick burn!

It’s finally rose time, and Renee gets the first rose, which was surprising since I thought she’d be gone tonight.  Someone named Danielle gets a rose, too.  The last rose was between Elise the porn star, Lauren the emotionally unstable reject, and Kat, my only hope in this game.  Lucky for me, Kat came away with the last rose and Elise and Lauren had the obligatory break-downs in their farewell interviews.

Next stop, Vietnam!  Sure hope Nikki doesn’t “accidentally” spray Clare with some leftover Agent Orange!

I’m not including score reports anymore since Jamie is already on top of that and also the scoring is stupid and I hate this game.