I’d
like to start off this week’s recap with a moment of silence for Lucy.
Lucy, Kate Upton's Best Friend, we hardly
knew ye. You’re a hero to the Free Spirit in all of us, and I’m sure that
Dr. King would have been super stoked about this:
Anyways,
this week was fairly boring, as far as The Bachelor goes, particularly after
Victoria absolutely crushed last week. We started off with Juany Pab’s
first one-on-one with Cassandra, who told us this is her first first-date since
she was 18. I suppose such is life for an NBA Groupie Dancer
raising Rodney Stuckey’s bastard son. Before her date, Cassandra sat and
talked with Renee, the other Single Mom, and you could almost see the moment
where Renee realized that there’s only room for one Single Mom in this
house. Uh oh. Cassandra and JP’s date included a ride in some kind
of water-car that seemed to be perilously close to flipping over a few times
(which would have been amazing). Naturally, as expected on any
water-adjacent date does, JP and Cass ended up in their swimsuits, making out
in the water. They made their way back to JP’s house, cooking dinner and
looking pictures of their children. This is real “connection” stuff,
ladies and gentlemen. I think we have a favorite.
Side
note: Is it just me, or is there something about Juan Pablo’s cadence
that is incredibly distracting and annoying? Whenever he does his
interviews or talks in front of the group, he has this cadence that is a mix of
sing-songy, quiet, sheepish and flirtatious at the same time. Bugs the
hell out of me.
Also,
we at some point learned that Elise (at least I’m pretty sure it was Elise,
could have been any of the blondes, really) is on the show because her mother,
as she was dying, wrote a letter trying to get Elise onto the show. Umm,
Elise...you should not ever tell that story. Your mom clearly did not
have high hopes for you as a person. Her
mom and Clare’s dad that made the video for her future husband would be a
perfect fit. A match made in heaven, so to speak.
Next
up is the group date, which involves a soccer game. This is suspiciously
reminiscent of how when Ashley P. was the Bachelorette there were all those
dates that involved dancing. We get it, you’re kind of good at this and
want to use ABC as a springboard to dancing/soccer stardom. Shockingly
enough, Lucy did not turn this into a game of shirts and skins, but we did get
to see Sharleen get hit in the face with the ball pretty hard. I created
a Vine account just to give you this. Later on, JP and Sharleen
(who is turning out to be a very strong sleeper pick) get some private
one-on-one time in the middle of the field with everyone watching, where they
made out with a gross amount of tongue, and I once again made use of my new Vine account.
Turns out tongue control is not a prerequisite for an opera
singer. Nikki talked about how difficult it was for her to open up and
that she’s scared of getting hurt, which are pretty much the magic words so she
naturally ended up with the group date rose, and Sharleen and Andi, who earlier
made out with JP in an abandoned hot dog stand, immediately began to spiral.
The
next one-on-one date went to Chelsie, who has a twinkle in her eye that is very
frightening to me. Elise, who is 27 and was passed up for a one-on-one in
favor of Chelsie, sat on a couch and said that Chelsie, who is 24, is a tiny
baby and too young to be for Juan Pablo. She said this Cassandra, who is 21
years old.
This
date with Chelsie, I believe, was the first Conquering Fears as a Metaphor for
Love Date™ of the season. Chelsie, who started off the day saying how
much she loves adventures before admitting that she is afraid of
rollercoasters, diving boards and high windows, put on her best pair of Tom’s
to go bungee jumping off a bridge. She played this one perfectly,
professing her fear and unwillingness until Juan Pablo took her into his
strong, manly arms and told her she would be okay because he’s
there. And now that they’ve jumped off this bridge, they can
conquer anything together. Later on the date, Juan Pablo told Chelsie that
his biggest fear is not being a good example to his daughter, and I think that
is a pretty good time to discuss Juan Pablo’s recent, uh, PR
Disaster. I’m sure that Camila is going to be so happy that her role
model father, who is currently making out with an average of 7 “ladies” a night
on TV also thinks that gay people are “more pervert” than straight
people. Great job, Juan Pablo, keep up the good work! Ugh. So
blah blah blah, there’s a private concert with Billy Currington and, okay, I
know who this guy is. Granted, I know who he is because I liked a song he
had on the radio when I was in college, but it’s still a step above Josh
Krajcik.
Instead
of a cocktail party this week, we got a pool party, which was really just an
opportunity for JP to get all the women into their bikinis. Kate Upton’s
Best Friend Lucy, upon hearing that JP was in the house, disgustedly responded
“Does that mean I have to put clothes on?” Was anyone else surprised just
how often Lucy was actually wearing clothes this episode? Too little too
late Lucy! By the way, without make-up, I can almost believe that Renee
is 32. At the pool party, we learned that Kat has an enormous rack, Kelly
does not like Kat, and Clare is going to have a nervous breakdown in the very
near future. When Clare ran away to go cry, and Single Mom Renee went to
comfort her, I first was thinking that Renee is really taking her role as House
Mom too seriously (as Chris pointed out to
me, she spends more time mothering the girls in the house than she does her own
kid), but then when she very obviously opened the door to allow the cameras to
catch Clare’s freak-out, I had to hand over some credit. Well played.
JP made the usual boring rounds, speaking in his weird cadence and re-assuring
the women that he cares about them.
At
the rose ceremony, the first rose went to LA’s greatest legal mind, Andi, and
the last rose was down to Lucy, Christy and Vaguely Ethnic Danielle. Lucy
and Christy got the boot, knocking out the top two picks from our draft in one
ceremony. I am now all in on my last remaining, pick(s) - Kat and them
twins.
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