It’s been another week in the Bachelor
universe, and we’re all getting closer to finding love. Well, everyone
except Kat and Cassandra. They are destined to be alone forever.
We did learn a lot of lessons this
week. We learned that you should ALWAYS tell people when it’s your birthday.
We learned that Juan Pablo does not understand the expressions “bolt” or
“frazzled” or “cut to the chase.” We learned that opening up about your
alcoholic father is not the key to a man’s heart. And we learned that
after you go on incredible trips to South Korea, Vietnam and New Zealand, the
next logical destination is Miami.
At the start of this episode, I actually
thought to myself the same thing baby Trey had been thinking for the past few
weeks: “Whatever happened to Cassandra?” It turns out she went from
an early leader to a non-factor. More on that later.
This week brought us to New Zealand, a
country with more sheep than people and just the place to fall in love.
This location hit particularly close to home for me, as during my year abroad
in Sydney, I spent a few days in New Zealand with a couple other girls from my
program, one of whom was a raging bitch. More on that later, too.
This was also where Andi got her first one-on-one date, and thank goodness for
that, since maybe now she’ll finally shut up about not getting a date
yet. JP takes her out on a lake, which takes them to a spot that JP
learned about from some “locals” and their captain tells them they are going
swimming, which brings us to our Vine
of the Week! Yikes. Juan and Andi somehow magically transform
into their bathing suits to traverse their way through The Squeeze. This
is somehow a trust exercise and they eventually make their way to a
waterfall. However, this was no Color Me Badd video sexy waterfall, but
actually a very violent gush of water that seems like it was probably painful
to stand under. Nonetheless, Andi and JP share a very intense make out
session, and we learn that Juan likes Andi (“I like Andi”). Later, they
sit down for dinner, where they discuss string theory and their favorite Rilke
poems – just kidding, they just say things like “Today was so much fun” and
“It’s raining” and then make out for a while before a geyser drives them out of
their spot. I want to think that the editors are cutting out the deep
conversations Juan has with the girls, but I feel like the reality is that Juan
is as dumb as a box of rocks and doesn’t know how to say anything other than
little cutesy things that could also be said to a child. Does anyone know
anything about him other than that he has a daughter and speaks Spanish?
Have we already forgotten that when JP was on Desiree’s season we didn’t even
know he had a kid until about episode seven? Whatever, Andi gets a rose.
We move on to the group date, which falls on
Cassandra’s 22nd birthday, and she thinks that getting a rose would
be the best birthday present ever, but then she never told Juan that it was her
birthday! Now, I don’t know about y’all, but when it’s my birthday,
EVERYBODY knows it. And it is common knowledge that on a group date, the
rose generally goes to the girl who garners the most sympathy, and I think that
being on the other side of the world from your family and friends (and child)
on your birthday would probably get you a sympathy rose. Also, JP
probably wouldn’t have sent you packing in the middle of the date without even
letting you say goodbye to your friends had he known. Poor form,
Cassandra.
Anyways, this date involves hanging out in a
field (and for those of us who watched the last scene over the credits, a sheep
poop fight) and going down a hill in an inflatable ball. I actually did
this when I was in Rotorua, New Zealand (the inflatable ball, not the sheep
poop) and I will tell you that it is awesome. Sadly, I was not wearing a
bathing suit as cool as Sharleen’s white fringe number, but nobody’s
perfect. So after that, JP and the producers decided to turn up the
romance with a trip to Hobbitton, because these girls seem like they’re pretty
big LOTR fans (okay, Sharleen is). It was the usual – the girls each try
to sit down with JP and open up and instead of responding in kind, he tells
them he likes them and then attacks their faces. After another difficult
to watch kiss, Sharleen gets the rose and Cassandra gets the boot. I
would say the worst part about Cassandra getting kicked off from there was that
her farewell interview was seemingly filmed while they were off-roading.
When Cassandra said “I just feel sick,” it was unclear whether that had to do
with Juan Pablo or that bumpy road. Rough stuff.
Clare was our other one-on-one date this
week, and when the date card came she was all “What? Who, me?” I hate
her. They go hang out in Lake Taupo, which is a place I really wanted to
go when I was in NZ (apparently it’s one of the best places to go skydiving –
missed opportunity, Bachelor producers), but my nemesis that I was on the trip
with refused to go, which led to a three-person screaming match in the middle
of a parking lot in Rotorua and I’ve never forgiven that girl, so watching this
date was pretty bittersweet for me. They sit around for a while talking
about...Vietnamgate? Oceangate? Watergate? Yes, let’s go with that, it
was our generation’s Watergate. It’s becoming less clear that they banged
in the ocean, despite the strong hinting last week, and may be more about the
fact that it was inappropriate of Clare to come steal him away at 4:30 in the
morning? I don’t even know what I believe anymore. The entire
conversation made no sense to me, but was exactly what Clare needed to hear
before their dinner at the Hilton Lake Taupo. That’s an interesting
choice for a dinner location. Clare’s all, “I’m just a regular
girl. Sports! Beer! No fancy dinners!” so naturally they
change into Justin Bieber-style drop crotch sweat pants and dance to their
favorite Josh Krajcik song. This is definitely the most developed
relationship thus far, but I think Clare is peaking way too early. The
closer she gets at this point, the more jealous she’s going to be as JP keeps
hooking up with other women, and you know this chick is a nut-job.
Somebody in this house is going to get stabbed sooner or later (probably
Nikki).
At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison finally
graces us with a sit-down and Chelsie, in a moment of clarity rarely seen on
The Bachelor, correctly deduces that Nikki has got this in the bag, and if
Renee wasn’t getting a rose, JP would have sent her packing with Cassandra, so
this last rose is between her and Kat. Kat was shockingly confident for
someone who hasn’t even kissed this guy yet. For some reason, she thinks
that if she talks about her alcoholic dad and her journaling that Juan will
most definitely give her a rose. Uhh, Kat, the only good dad on this show
is a dead dad (see Clare). Ultimately, the approach is
unsuccessful and Kat (and I along with her, with an all-time low score) are out
of the running. On the way out, she continues to show why she probably
has no female friends by saying “Everyone just tells me how I’m so great and
I’m such a catch, but here I am.” As the show ends, Sharleen once again
goes on and on about how she wants to leave, which almost certainly means that
she won’t leave. She says she’s giving it another week, ostensibly to
find out where they’re going after Miami to make up her mind.
Coming
up, Nikki and Clare go to war, the ladies cry about not getting one-on-one
time, and Juan Pablo cries like a little girl!
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