Well
that was an action-packed episode, wasn’t it? I know I usually do these
recaps in chronological order, but I would be doing all of us a disservice if I
didn’t address the Clare situation immediately. I think we can all agree
that Clare and Juan definitely got it in last night. Juan Pablo, who
won’t even kiss half the girls out of respect, is totally cool with having
special hugs on camera in the ocean with Clare. Now, just
logistically speaking, I believe that there is a strong possibility that Camila
might have a little hermana soon!
So
anyways, the rest of the episode. Renee got a one-on-one date this week
and so she naturally spent 85% of the episode talking about how much she wanted
JP to kiss her. Girl, that desperation is NOT a good look. Also not
a good look? That custom made dress from the fabric store. Despite
the complete lack of chemistry, JP apparently really likes her (“I really like
Renee”) and thinks she’s a great mom – you know, a great mom who leaves her
8-year-old son so she can go hook up with some dude on a reality TV show.
She gets a rose, but no kiss because Juan Pablo is a paternalistic douche who
feels like he needs to protect all the women from themselves.
On
the group date, Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle
and Andi meet Juan Pablo to go for a boat ride. He told the girls to pair
up and clearly none of them are math majors because nobody realized they were
an odd number. None of the girls want to pair up with Clare because she’s
annoying and has no friends. She gets paired up with JP and is all “oh
shucks, how about that?” and they make out while the other ladies watch them
and wish horrible things onto Clare and her entire family. After the boat
trip, they make their way into a random Vietnamese man’s house. I was
really hoping that this was not a planned part of the date, but then they
turned the women into forced laborers, so I guess this was part of their
authentic Vietnamese experience? They were basically just harvesting
crops on a farm, and retired NBA baby-mama dancer Cassandra wishes we
had this kind of thing in America. Uhh, pretty sure we do. It’s
called farming and migrant labor.
Moving
onto the part of the date where the ladies sit around talking about each other
while waiting for Juan to invite them for some one-on-one time. Is there
a name for this portion of the evening? Does anybody have any
suggestions? At this point, I realized that I don’t think Danielle has said
a word on this date yet. No surprise there. JP invites Clare for
the first individual session and they go back to his suite and get changed and
go hang out in the pool for a while and I tried to estimate how long this was
going on for because the other women were all just sitting around waiting for
them, right? It seemed like an exorbitant amount of time on a date with
10 people.
After
JP and Clare finally get out of the pool, he hangs out with the other women for
a bit, including Sharleen, who said she wants Juan to see that she’s a panda in
a room full of brown bears (is that something anyone has ever said?) and is
trying so, so hard to be sexy that it’s difficult to watch. Example One (a Vine just for you, Mike).
What did the second version of that word mean??? In the end, Clare got
the rose and C. Deezy continues to clean up in the group date rose
department.
Of
course, as we know, that’s when things just started to get good. Clare
showed up at JP’s suite at 4 in the morning for a swim in the ocean and my
initial thought was, I knew Courtney
Robertson. Courtney
Robertson was a friend of mine. Clare, you're no Courtney Robertson.
Clearly I was wrong. I have to say that it’s a travesty that there are no
dedicated coitus points, but I would vote for allowing this under the JP Chaser
category since it was still an unsanctioned visit.
Despite
the excitement of the night before, JP still had another one-on-one date to go
on with Nikki, who is coming up with very strong potential. This turns
out to be another Conquering Fears as a Metaphor for Love Date™ and homegirl
was freaking out. Thankfully, this led to one of my favorite Bachelor quotes ever.
Here’s the thing with Nikki. She’s relatively funny, and JP just
fundamentally doesn’t understand jokes. Of course, it doesn’t matter now
and she’s able to overcome her fears by trusting in Juan Pablo. She then
put on her best Jersey Shore mini-dress for dinner and JP confessed that he was
pretty tired since he didn’t get much sleep the night before. Yes, we
know. You were up very lately boning Clare in the ocean. However,
he manages to put that out of his mind because he really likes Nikki (“I really
like Nikki”) and she gets her rose.
Back
at the cocktail party, JP says something about how with less women there, it
was getting harder and right at that moment the camera panned to Clare.
Ace work, cameraman. We learned that THREE women are getting the boot
tonight, and it’s really anyone’s game at this point. Clare kicks off the
party with the toast “Here’s to finding love, being loved and making
love.” She is doing all she can to rub this in, but she gets her
comeuppance pretty soon when JP basically tells her he made a huge mistake.
She freaks out and cries and JP gets all up in her face and whispers, “I don’t
like it when you don’t look at me,” which sounded like a line straight out of
an episode of SVU, even though in JP’s version, he’s the special victim.
Somehow the narrative became that Clare forced him into it and it was very
disrespectful to his daughter. Not sure how that happened.
Also,
Renee finally got her kiss and reacted in the normal way that a 32-year-old
single mother would react to being kissed, by screaming and twirling and
otherwise acting like an idiot.
Clare
finally came back to the room with a really convincing excuse about allergies
that nobody even slightly believed and then it was rose time.
In
the end, Alli, Kelly and Danielle were left without roses and RMC was left
without any contestants. Turns out that, in the end, our analysis of the
RMC picks was not incorrect. Also, does anyone know what’s happened
to Kelly’s dog since they got to Asia? Nobody’s heard from Molly in a
while and I’m very nervous about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment