We made it, you guys. After a long,
slow journey to find love, Andi finally got some! Two dudes in two
nights! Well, I guess that’s just speculation. As we’re reminded,
the Fantasy Suites are there so that Andi and the guys can have all those
conversations they can’t have on camera, and then just fall asleep talking.
That’s probably all that happens in there. That’s why there’s no condoms
in there, as we now know from Courtney Robertson.
Before Andi can take the guys to Poundtown,
though, we have to hear about all the things that Andi likes about the
remaining guys, and it was at this point, approximately three minutes into the
episode, that it was already clear that Farmer Chris didn’t have a shot.
With Josh, she says, she can be her complete self. As for Nick, she can
see herself marrying and growing old with him. Chris...well...he’s a
really nice guy. Better pick up all those souvenirs quickly Chris, you’re
about to get a one-way ticket back to Iowa! How many connections do you
think it would take to get from the Dominican Republic to Iowa?
Six? Seven?
The first date this week was with boring
Nick, who I continue to hate for no specific reason. I mean, I usually
love the villains on this show. I read Courtney Robertson’s book in three
days (and I plan to live the rest of my life using the lessons I learned from
her)! But Nick’s not even a villain, he’s just kind of a tool.
Going into the date, Andi wants to know why Nick had glossed over his break-ups
when his sisters had told her that they had basically sent him into a
tailspin. I bet Nick made sure to thank his sisters for that!
The date started with a Bachelor patented
helicopter ride (no points for this one, only the first chopper ride counts) to
a private island. Not too shabby. They pretty much just spent the
day at the beach, where Nick was able to show off his freshly waxed
chest. I’m fairly certain that 80% of the date was spent making out in
the ocean, a location that has historically hosted a good bit of Bachelor sexy
times (See Juan Pablo/Clare and Ben/Courtney). Sadly, it didn’t
look like Andi and Nick were ready to join that prestigious club. Once
they finally emerged from the water, Andi asked Nick about the aforementioned
world-shattering break-ups. His response? Oh yeah, I went through a
break-up and I didn’t want to talk to anyone for six months. That’s a
pretty healthy, adult response to the end of a relationship. What girl
doesn’t want to live in fear that if she dumps her boyfriend he will slit his
wrists? The kicker is that this wasn’t even the girl that he was engaged
to, it was someone else! Also, are we not kind of glossing over the fact
that Nick was engaged to a woman who dumped him before the wedding? Seems
like an important detail. Not for Andi, though. She had heard all
she needed from the guy who might be giving her a ring next week. I
sincerely hope there are a lot of conversations we’re not seeing.
Moving onto the night portion of the date,
Nick changed into his finest blue shirt and red pants to spend a few hours not
telling Andi that he loves her. Now Nick (and please picture me saying
this as Phaedra Parks from Real Housewives of Atlanta), everybody knows
that if you want to get into the Bachelorette’s pants, you have to tell her you
love her before Fantasy Suites. Each Bachelorette, underneath all the
glitz and glamour, is just a photogenic woman who is desperate to be told by as
many men as possible that they are in love with her. Falling in
love? Not good enough. In the meantime, Nick pulls out his secret
weapon (no, not that one), a story that he’s been writing about their
relationship, complete with illustrations! If he drew those illustrations
himself, then I’m impressed. Otherwise, I am very, very curious where he
got that done. I am particularly curious how he already had the pages for
that night were already done. Is he Walt from Lost? Finally,
the card from “Chris Harrison” magically appeared, and after a half-hearted
attempt at playing coy, Nick and Andi decided to forego their individual rooms
and spend the night in the Fantasy Suite. Before heading over, Nick was
able to summon the courage to lead Andi about 20 feet away to talk next to a
tree, where he took about 15 minutes to say “I love you”. Then they did
it (most likely).
The next day (!) Andi and Josh met in Santo
Domingo to...I don’t really know...hang out? I think the producers
just plain gave up this season. Between the lie detector test, the trip to
Verona and this, it’s become clear that the producers legitimately do not care
about planning cool dates. Instead, Andi and Josh wander around town,
drinking freshly squeezed juices and poorly dancing to reggae bands before
chancing upon a group of young hoodlums playing baseball. Because Andi
and Josh can’t have one date that doesn’t involve a mention of his failed
sporting career, they naturally decide to insert themselves into a game being
played by a group of 12 year olds. These poor kids just wanted to play a
fun baseball game, and instead they were roped in as props for a love story
that has a 0.00005% chance of lasting. Something to tell the grandkids
about.
Josh, still riding high on endorphins from
outplaying a group of little leaguers, professes his love to Andi on a park
bench, basically sealing the deal that Andi would let him seal the deal.
She couldn’t make it too easy, though, so they had to have their one millionth
conversation about his athlete lifestyle (he’s not actually an athlete and
hasn’t been for years) and how he’s too good to be true (really? he seems about
as smart and fun as a box of rocks). To nobody’s surprise, Josh and Andi
also decided to forego their individual rooms and spend the night together in
the Fantasy Suite. In case the turning off of lights and drawing of
curtains wasn’t enough to let us know what was going to happen next, there was
a fireworks show on the way to the suite. Let’s hope their night in the
Fantasy Suite was as eventful as Courtney and Ben’s first night (three times,
including a successful reverse cowgirl).
After getting turned out two nights in a row,
it was time for Chris to try to get in there, too. Continuing the trend
of terrible dates, Andi brings Chris, who lives on a farm, to a date on a
farm. How terribly new and exciting for him! They go horseback
riding, and Andi is completely terrified. It seems a little ridiculous of
her, but I can completely empathize. As a kid, riding horses was cool and
fun, but once you hit an age where you realize exactly how far you are from the
ground and how quickly you could become Christopher Reeve, it’s suddenly not so
fun and it’s definitely not romantic. I’m pretty sure Andi gets a say in
what they do on these dates, maybe she could have nixed this one? At one
point, Chris says to her “Anybody ever tell you that you look really hot on a
horse?” and my immediate response is that I hope not, since she was 7 years old
the last time she rode a horse.
During yet another picnic in the middle of a
field, just after a very weak attempt at a second round of Ghosts in the
Graveyard (it probably helps if there’s not cameras pointed at the person
trying to hide), it’s time for some Real Talk. Andi tells Chris that she
doesn’t think she can move forward because there’s “no foundation” in their
relationship. I guess that’s valid since she only had one one-on-one date
with Chris, but has she really spent that much more time with Josh or
Nick? Let’s get serious here: Andi doesn’t want to move to
Iowa. And why should she? I fully do not understand why the
expectation is that she’ll move to wherever the guy she picks lives. I
figured as the Bachelorette she would be calling the shots and generally be the
HBIC. Like, hi I live in Atlanta and if I choose you to be my husband you
also have to live in Atlanta (or wherever she has to go live while filming
Dancing with the Stars or Couples Therapy or whatever reality show she goes on
next). There, I fixed it.
In the end, she basically tells Chris to hit
the road, which he accepts with the dignity and aplomb of a man who will almost
certainly become the next Bachelor. Chris would be a great catch if he
didn’t live in Iowa. Who the hell wants to move to Iowa? I will
tell you who: nobody. How is Chris going to convince one of these
aspiring actresses on the Bachelor to leave LA to live in the Midwest? He
probably should have just cashed in his chips and hit up the Bachelor
Pad. But that’s a story for another day.
There was a rose ceremony, but I didn’t pay
attention because it didn’t matter and I was busy searching for a missing
credit card (spoiler alert – I found it). The gist of it was that both
Josh and Nick are convinced that nobody else could have as strong a connection
with Andi as he does. So basically the same story as every other season
of this show.
I think next week is Men Tell All, so no
recap. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to watching my new
favorite show, Ladies of London.
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