It’s a new day in the Bachelor world, a world
without Liz and her constant yammering about hooking up with Nick. We’ve
magically transported from Nick’s tales of sexual conquests in the clurb to the
mansion, where the women that were on the date are tasked with debriefing
everyone else. We learn in passing that Christen got the group date rose
so I guess it pays to be a tattle-tale. Judging by their reactions to the
news, the women are absolutely shocked to hear that Nick has had sex before.
He shows up to the house wearing a weird flower tie to make sure that everyone
is aware that he definitely boned Liz. I’m thinking this moment of
contrition would come off as slightly more sincere if he wasn’t grinning like an idiot when he told the
whole group. In any event, now we know at least three of Nick’s sexual
partners so that’s something.
Corinne ain’t worried about that Liz noise
though, because she knows how to turn on the “sex charm” which involves
dressing up as Carmen Sandiego in a trenchcoat with only lingerie
underneath. This is a fantastic way to present yourself as marriage
material, Corinne. She really turns up the heat by also pulling out a can
of whipped cream, and then proceeds to pour it on herself and say “Take it off my boob.” Nick’s parents
are going to love her! Suddenly though, Corinne is crying. At
first, I was a little unclear because it didn’t seem like anything had happened,
and then I realized that she was actually crying because Nick didn’t f*ck her
right then and there with 20 women like five feet away. After this
traumatic experience, Corinne is so upset that she goes to sleep instead of
showing up to the rose ceremony. Sick power move.
Finally it’s time for the rose ceremony, and
we say goodbye to generic blondes Elizabeth and Lacey, as well as – despite all
of her protestations about how much she deserves this rose while wearing a
dress that left her bra fully exposed – Hailey. Adios, ladies!
The first group date this week pretty much
lived out my teenage dream. Oh who am I kidding. It lived out my
adult dream. I mean, it’s the friggin Backstreet Boys! And as
excited as the women (and I) were when they walked in, I couldn’t help but feel
profoundly sad looking at Brian’s huge bald spot. That was a rough moment
for me. But my feelings quickly returned to elation upon the realization
that Danielle L, Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine and Corinne would
be learning and performing the “Everybody” dance! Sadly, this is not a
great date for Corinne since she’s not a good dancer. Thankfully, she put
her chin up and went along with it even though it was out of her comfort
zone. Just kidding! She sat in a corner pouting alone and then ran
off into the bathroom to cry. Don’t be scared, Corinne! We've seen worse.
Finally it was showtime, and let me say, I
loved watching Backstreet perform. I wish that was the whole show.
Alas, the ladies and Nick prepare to take the stage in their costumes, which I
guess in a nod to the nineties are complete with chokers. I know one
morning show host who'd
be into that. For a moment I was a little scared that when Nick
Carter asked “Am I sexual?” Liz would pop up in the background and start
talking about Jade and Tanner’s wedding again, but things went off without a
hitch. When the song ended, the Backstreet Boys circled up and decided
that Danielle L. had the best chemistry with Nick during the song, and as such
was entitled to an awkward serenade of I Want it That Way while slow dancing
with Nick in the middle of the stage. However, instead of getting to
listen to the dulcet tones of Brian, Nick, Howie, AJ and Kevin, we were forced
to hear Corinne’s inner monologue. Dear producers – we get it. You
love Corinne. But she does NOT get to drown out Backstreet. Rude!
After the show, the group hits up a generic
lounge, and Corinne shows up in a dress that basically has a cut-out for her
genitals. That woman is all class. She grabs Nick immediately to
talk and then, once Nick confirms that he forgave her for missing the rose
ceremony they make out for a while and then this idiot exclaims that she “Made
Corinne Great Again” and, of course this dummy would be a Trump
supporter. There is no doubt in my mind that she idolizes Ivanka and her
empire of tacky shoes and jewelry. Ugh. Anyways, Corinne then
disappears to go take another nap. Once she rises from her slumber, she
rejoins the group and expresses her dismay at being away from her nanny, which
naturally evokes this reaction: “You have a nanny? Yes. Do you have
kids? No.” The conversation also allows us to learn that (1)
Corinne thinks macaroni and cheese is called cheesy pasta and (2) she believes
that doing her laundry makes her nanny happy. I would like Raquel to come
live with me. She sounds delightful. Anyways, at the end of the
night, Nick gives the group date rose to Danielle, and Corinne takes it well primarily
because she understands that she didn’t get it because Nick wanted to be
fair. Very magnanimous of her.
Next up is Nick’s one-on-one date with
Vanessa on a zero gravity airplane called G Force One, and it looks
awesome. I guess they go up in the air and the plane does maneuvers that
create spurts of zero gravity, and Nick and Vanessa float around and dance and
play and kiss and throw up. Yup, that’s right. The contents of
Vanessa’s stomach got the best of her and made a surprise appearance in the middle
of the date. Based on the woman in the background wiping up the floor of
the plane, I’m gonna go ahead and guess that she might have missed one of the
multiple barf bags she was utilizing. I can’t think of anything more fun
than being on a date, getting sick and not being able to walk away or brush
your teeth. Luckily, Nick’s libido isn’t deterred and they continue to
make out because, as Nick says, “Still tastes fine.” Yuck. Also,
does Nick love being the hero or what? This could not have gone any
better for someone who just wants to look like the good guy all the time.
He’s the worst.
Later that evening, over a plate of uneaten
food, Vanessa tells Nick that she’s only watched a couple episodes of the
Bachelor, but she was struck by how close Nick is with his mom.
Uhh…what? That was her takeaway? Oh wait, that was just a segue to
talk about how important family is to her because her grandfather died and that
was very hard for her. I mean, losing a grandparent isn’t ideal, but on the
scale of tragedies, a 29-year-old losing her grandfather isn’t exactly a dead
fiancé, Vanessa. This somehow leads to Nick crying because she makes him
so optimistic, so I think we can pretty much guarantee that Vanessa will at
least be in the final two. Obviously, she gets the rose.
The next group date was a day of track and
field. Now, if the Backstreet Boys date was my dream, the track and field
date was my nightmare. It was also a nightmare for Astrid’s sports bra.
Sidenote – this would have been a great Vine, but apparently that app is now
dead and although I’m a Millennial, I’m an Old Millennial so I don’t know what
app the kids are using instead. Sorry. The ladies on this date are
being forced against their will to compete in a decathlon, coached by Olympic
heroes Allyson Felix, Carl Lewis and Michelle Carter, who need to have a
serious conversation with their agents after this. After a few
preliminary events, Rachel, Alexis and Astrid are picked as the top three who
will run a 100-yard dash for the right to sit in a hot tub with Nick in the
middle of a track while 30 people watch. Rachel wins the race but manages
to overrun the novelty prize ring, which Astrid scoops up after coming in a
distant third (it’s tough to run with your boobs smacking you in the face the
whole time) and jumps into the hot tub with Nick. While this is
happening, Dominique is basically having a meltdown and is being the Corinne of
this date.
During evening portion of the date, Nick and
Rachel furiously make out, but Dominique is lurking in the background being
weird. She confronts Nick to tell her that he didn’t give her a fair shot
and didn’t give her the reassurance that she needed from him as a person who
had never had a conversation with her. In turn, Nick immediately dumps
her. You guys remember when Ben threw out Jubilee on the first day of
Black History Month? This was like that, but on MLK Day. However,
then Nick gives the group date rose to Rachel, so I think we live in a
post-racial society now?
Instead of a cocktail party this week, Nick
decides to have a pool party. This is very unexpected except that it
happens every season. The ladies put on their skimpiest bikinis and
Alexis puts on her most gigantic hoop earrings (yup, she’s definitely from
Jersey) and they all compete to rub Nick’s body one way or another. Of
course, our girl Corinne came prepared. She has a plan, and that plan
involves a princess bounce castle. She has to show Nick how fun and
playful she is – or is it that she has the mental capacity of a six year
old? Could go either way. She also makes sure to mount him while
all the other women are watching. Another power move. All of this
bouncing has left Corinne exhausted, so it’s time for another nap. Is it
possible that Corinne needs all these naps because she has sleep apnea?
I’m a little concerned.
This was a good opening for the women to
begin telling Nick what a monster Corinne is. Raven starts off the
procession and clues Nick in to the fact that Corinne still has a nanny.
Then Vanessa rolls up and just shames the hell out of Nick. She asks him,
“Are you looking for a wife, or are you looking for someone to f*ck around
with?” Damn, Vanessa. That is harsh.
Nick doesn’t have a response for that
question that he can say on TV, so the episode ends. Once again, no rose
ceremony at the end of the episode. I hate that.
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