Fourth Time's the Smarm - Episodes 5-8 - We're back!

First off, I know I’ve been shirking my duties this season.  I apologize.  

And second-of-ly, although I am four (four?!) episodes behind, this recap will only cover the last two.  

So let’s get to it.  Bear with me, this is a long one.  Also, I did not proofread this.

These past few episodes have basically been a series of scenes of Nick crying.  Below is an incomplete list of things that made Nick cry in the last two episodes:

1.             He sent Danielle L. home, triggering a crisis of conscience in which he just didn’t know if he could go on doing this (spoiler alert: he could).

2.             He talked to Kristina.

3.             He sent Danielle M. home.  I am personally shook over his hatred of women named Danielle.  Don’t worry, Nick.  I hate you, too.

4.             He sent Kristina home. 

5.             He gave out roses to the four remaining women.

I’m sure there are more, but the crying became so common it was no longer notable at some point.

In case you haven’t been watching, a quick recap of what you missed in the episodes I will not be recapping here: 

During a trip to New Orleans, Nick made Rachel dance in what I believe was a funeral procession, then went on a group date where it felt like we watched approximately 8 hours of a bunch of women screaming their way through a haunted plantation provoking child ghosts and playing with a Ouija board.  Basically a 6^th grade sleepover.  Then, in the least surprising development ever, he took Corinne and Taylor on a 2-on-1 date in a bayou for some culturally insensitive dancing and a meeting with a voodoo priestess who taught Corinne (at her request) how to make a voodoo doll, which apparently worked because Taylor got the boot.

Then, after sending Taylor packing a second time after an ill-advised date crashing incident, Nick sent home Josephine, Dolphina (aka Alexis) and Jaimi before everyone jetted off to St. Thomas for some carefully placed commercial plugs during what was clearly the tourism off-season.  Kristina got a 1-on-1 date to finally tell Nick her pretty tragic backstory that he didn’t have time for at any point during the previous six weeks.  Then he took a bunch of women on the worst group date ever, where the women slowly broke down one by one during a game of beach volleyball (other than Corinne, who had snuck off to take shots alone).  The one bright spot (aside from some pretty special camera shots of various women sitting somberly on the beach staring out at the ocean and wondering what wrong turns in their lives got them to this point) was when Jasmine went completely off the rails.  If you didn’t catch this episode, I would recommend watching the awkward disaster of a moment where Jasmine attempted to overcompensate for her lack of any semblance of a relationship with Nick by letting her freak flag fly.  And by this of course I mean she attempted to choke a clearly horrified Nick (but in, like, a fun sexy way) until he was forced to send her home mid-date to make it stop.  Then there was another 2-on-1 date with Whitney (who?) and Danielle L.  After leaving Whitney alone on an island and flying away with Danielle on a helicopter, Nick realized that Danielle is not the sharpest crayon in the box and sent her home, too, even though he had such a “strong connection” with her earlier on.  I guess it’s just a sign that feelings can fade when you’ve been together with someone for a long time, like 13 days.

Now, onto the episodes I actually took notes on.

Our first episode starts with Nick’s aforementioned breakdown after sending Danielle L. home.  Frankly, I was glad to see her go so I could stop identifying the Danielles by the first letter of their last name like I’m some goddamn kindergarten teacher.  Luckily, Chris Harrison was available for a gab sesh to remind Nick what he’s there for, which I believe is either (a) to find a wife, (b) to further his Instagram modeling career and/or (c) to guarantee no less than one US Weekly cover and a slot on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  Nick is a very sensitive boy, but he’s back on board!

Nick and the six remaining women (Vanessa, Rachel, Corinne, Raven, Danielle M. and Kristina for those keeping track) head to Bimini, which I am acutely aware of thanks to the 5000 establishing shots of the sign for Resorts World Bimini.

The first 1-on-1 date is with Vanessa.  They head out to sea on a boat, and I missed whatever they spoke about because all I could focus on was the fact that Nick appears to be wearing a Livestrong bracelet.  A Livestrong bracelet that appeared to be pretty new based on how much time has passed since we all threw away our Livestrong bracelets after Lance Armstrong broke up with Sheryl Crow.  That’s why we hate him, right?  After some logistically difficult underwater kissing (very impressed with their breathing techniques), Vanessa divulges to Nick while not eating dinner that she’s in love with him.  He responded with what every girl wants to hear the first time she tells a guy that she loves him, “I really, really like you a lot.”  Vanessa is crestfallen at this response, but that’s her own fault.  If there are two rules on this show, #1 that you do not disrespect Chris Harrison and #2 is that the lead is basically legally prohibited from returning a vow of love until the very end (we can’t have another Ben/Lauren/Jojo situation here).  My theory is that this Nick and Vanessa thing is basically a done deal so the producers have to create drama in the relationship one way or another, right?

This week’s group date is with Corinne, Kristina and Raven and involves more water-adjacent activities, apparently because every date from here on out is essentially a vehicle for Nick to show off his collection of Chubbies.  I was always under the impression that you had to be from below the Mason-Dixon line to wear shorts that short, but I see I was wrong there.  Also, I would think that you would want to wear something slightly less attention-grabbing if you’re going to be swimming among sharks, but what do I know.  During the evening portion, Raven wins this week’s tragedy rose by talking about her Daddy’s cancer while Corinne stress eats cheese and naps (passes out?) on the couch.

The next date this week is a 1-on-1 with Danielle M., which is the classic “mix with the local culture” date.  There’s a little bit of basketball, a little bit of bike-riding, and a lot of awkward silences.  As Nick caressed Danielle’s inner thigh while chatting on a bench, he appeared to come to the sudden realization that she is hella boring.  Later on at dinner, Nick made her talk about her dead fiancé and how her heart is open to him in her classic monotone, and then Nick promptly sent her home.  Again, very anti-Danielle.

Corinne, being the intuitive genius that she is, decided that this sequence of events meant that it was time for her to “turn on the sex charm” because as we’re told:

She sneaks over to Nick’s hotel to give him a very special massage, but just as she goes for the happy ending (at least that’s what we have to presume based on the dubbed in unzipping sound) Nick shuts it down.  It turns out that Nick has finally realized that it’s not a great look to bang more women on national TV than you can count on one hand!  Shockingly, Corinne handles it pretty well and even though she’s bummed because she was just “trying to do something nice and very cute for Nick,” she doesn’t go into the full-on meltdown that I would have predicted.  Our little Corinne is growing up!

Next up, Nick goes on a 1-on-1 date with Rachel, which is really just them getting drunk at a bar while getting advice from a local bartender who clearly does not understand what this show is about.  They talk a little bit about hometowns, and Rachel admits that she’s never brought home a white guy before.  I am pleasantly surprised that after 20-odd seasons, a person of color has actually gone far enough to evoke this conversation and, even though I despise Nick, his relationship with Rachel doesn’t seem contrived at all and he does seem to genuinely like her.  Of course, since we’ve already found out that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette, I suppose we know how this story ends.

At the end of the day, Nick decides that he’s not going to wait until the rose ceremony to send someone home.  These tricky producers try to make us think that it’s going to be Corinne (yeah, right, like we’re gonna go all this way to NOT meet Raquel?), but instead he cuts Kristina so she could be free to interfere with the 2016 election on behalf of the motherland.

After a week-long break for Nick to spend sadly gazing at the sea, it was finally time for hometowns!

First stop, Hoxie, Arkansas!  Naturally, Raven pulls up to meet Nick on an ATV and I am immediately transported to a more innocent time before we knew the dangers of riding ATVs on reality shows.  However, riding ATVs is one of the very few things to do in Hoxie, other than muddin’, frog giggin’ and huntin’ grain bins.  Please note that while I think I got these terms right, it was very difficult to understand what Raven was saying.  The dinner with Raven’s family was nice enough to warm even my heart, as her dad took the opportunity to let her know that he’s now cancer-free.  It was a nice moment.  During his conversation with Daddy Raven (I couldn’t decide whether to go with an Edgar Allen Poe reference or a Ray Lewis is a murderer reference, so I’m skipping both), Nick asked if he would be okay with him marrying Raven.  Uhh, I feel like there’s about a 0.00% chance of that happening, but okay.  I’m not sure exactly what Daddy’s answer was, but I think he was okay with it.  At the end of the night, Raven is on the verge of telling Nick that she loves him, but instead pivots at the last second and just tells him that she has “no hesitations.”  Surely she won’t regret that later.

The next stop on the hometowns train is Dallas to meet Rachel’s family.  Well, part of her family.  Her dad couldn’t make it to dinner due to vague work obligations that definitely were not “I’m a federal judge so I probably shouldn’t be on a reality TV show pimping out my daughter.”  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  First, Rachel takes Nick to church.  Seriously.  And not just any church but a predominantly Black mega-church.  Seems like…fun.  The service ended with the pastor (I don’t know if that’s the right word – I’m Jewish) finishing up with an “Amen, you’re dismissed” and, is this how church ends?  Like I said, I’m Jewish and I’m not entirely sure that I’ve ever made it to the end of a service other than at my own bat mitzvah.  Like most other good Jews, if I make it to temple at all, I sneak out before the sermon starts to get a good place on the bagel line.  So, yeah, after church they head to Rachel’s parent’s house and – hey wait a minute, there’s already a bearded ginger there!  Yep, Rachel’s older sister is already married to an awkward white guy, so at least this family already knows what they’re getting into.  There are a few conversations about interracial relationships, but I guess the family likes Nick.

Next up is the moment we’ve all been waiting for – Corinne’s hometown date!  Or rather, the day we get to meet Raquel! 

The day starts with Corinne taking Nick to the place where she feels most comfortable, a high end shopping mall.  You know, Corinne had lost me for a couple episodes, but now I am back on board.  She is exactly who she is, and that is her best self.  And that best self involves going full-on Sugar Mama and taking Nick on a Pretty Woman style shopping spree and then saying “I love you” for the first time in what might have been a mall cafeteria.  Then it was time to meet the family, and they are also exactly who I expected them to be.  A loud-mouthed dad dripping in gold jewelry (and, like Corinne, a red Kabbalah bracelet, which I thought went away in 2005 – I guess she and Nick both have in common a love for defunct bracelet-driven movements), a doting mother, a meh sister, and a lovely nanny who probably was tasked with cooking everything for this meeting.  At dinner, there was a very tense moment when the success of the evening seemed to hinge on whether Nick liked Corinne’s dad’s olives (yes, really), but luckily that turned out okay.  Nick’s conversations with Pappa Olympios, the king of epoxy coating and flooring products in the greater Miami area, and Raquel also went okay, even though Pappa threw some real shade with his concerns that Nick would need to be okay with Corinne being the breadwinner in the couple.  Dad, don’t you know that The Bachelor franchise is here to reinforce gender norms, not subvert them?  All ends well though, and the family lovingly watches from the window as Nick and Corinne make out passionately on the ground floor.

Finally, we made it to Montreal to see Vanessa.  Instead of taking Nick to see a Celine Dion show and eat poutine like I would have preferred, Vanessa is taking Nick to meet her students.  Now, look…I coached for the Special Olympics for years throughout high school and college and so that will always have a special place in my heart, but I must admit that I felt cheated and misled when it was revealed that Vanessa is a special education teacher FOR ADULTS.  I mean, it’s still a very noble profession, but that one truly caught me off guard.  Also, is Canada really that much better than the US that they have continuing education for special needs students?  Jesus, I am moving to Canada.  Anyways, the students are lovely and Nick handles it all pretty well, even the guy who is clearly in love with Vanessa and wasn’t all that stoked to meet her boyfriend.  Afterwards, they head over to Maman’s house for an Italian Sunday lunch, which I guess is a thing since I learned about it on Jersey Shore.  There are like 20 people there, and they seem to each individually ask questions that make it clear that Nick and Vanessa have not had a conversation about where they would live if they ended up together.  That’s a promising development.  Also, there are many discussions about Vanessa’s last relationship, and I am SO curious about what happened there because the party line amongst family members is essentially “We can’t go through that again,” so clearly Vanessa had some sort of mental breakdown that we need to learn about.  After lunch, Vanessa and Nick head to her dad’s house because her parents are divorced and so can’t be in the same room.  Papa gets Nick to admit that he asked for permission to marry each of the four women whose families he met, which is such a cool tradition we still have in 2017.  Papa also then shares this information with his emotionally unstable daughter, who will handle this well. 

But now it’s time for Nick to make his decision and, to do that, he has to go back to his favorite place in the world – the balcony of a hotel in Brooklyn.  You see, he can’t make decisions unless he has the proper forum for gazing into the horizon while thinking deeply.  But what’s that?  A knock at the door?  Who could that be?  Why, it’s Andi Dorfman back from the dead and looking for some screentime, of course!!  Record scratch.  Episode end.