This
week’s episode started where we left off last week, namely with Kelsey on the
floor and nobody else particularly caring about her well-being other than some
litigation-averse producers. If it wasn’t already 100% clear what she was
up to, she actually said, smiling through her oxygen mask, “I’m gonna get a
rose tonight for sure.” Luckily, she realized that all she needed to cure
her panic attack was a visit from Chris, and because he is very smart and
perceptive, he saw right through her manipulation – psych! Remember, this
is the guy who thinks that Britt naturally wakes up with lipstick and glittery
eyeshadow on. He came in and told Kelsey how great she looked and gave
her a kiss and sent her back inside, where she gave an over-the-top explanation
of her fainting spell to an audience of women that clearly hate her. Even
crazy Kardashley thinks she may be lying about her dead husband.
At
this point Kardashley is freaking out because she doesn’t think her story is
sad enough. Clearly this girl knows what every man truly wants: virgins
and/or widows. Also, it would be cool if we could go five minutes without
seeing her crying. At the long-awaited rose ceremony, roses went to Jade,
Kaitlyn, Megan, Becca, Kardashley and............Kelsey. Sorry Teen Mom
Mackenzie, looks like it’s time for you to go home to care for Baby
Arugula. Sorry Sam, looks like it’s time for you to go be mute somewhere
else. You both allegedly have sad stories, but if you don’t discuss your
tragedies on camera, they might as well not have happened.
The
next stop on Chris’s romantic tour of places that nobody wants to go ever is
South Dakota. Now, I know we all hated Juan Pablo, but at least on his
season they got to go cool places like South Korea and New Zealand and these
women are stuck visiting Mount Rushmore. The only other people I know who
have gone on a trip to Mount Rushmore are my parents. Anyways, continuing
with the “Hey, look how whimsical we are!” thing that they’re doing this
season, we had to watch Chris do some kind of weird old-timey photoshoot, so umm, okay.
Continuing with another one of this season’s themes, Kelsey acting out the plot
of Gone Girl, Kelsey and Britt have a conversation where she describes her
disbelief at how wonderful her relationship with Chris and how her honesty has
earned her a one-on-one date. Cut to...Kelsey not getting the one-on-one date.
Well is was nice knowing you Becca, I’m sorry you were murdered on The
Bachelor!
Before
Becca meets her untimely demise, though, she does get to go on her date with
Chris. You see, they haven’t kissed yet, and she’s the only person maybe
on this entire season that he hasn’t kissed yet but he is cool with it.
We know that he’s cool with it because he tells us over and over just how cool
with it he is. They went horseback riding and Becca did nothing that made
me think that she’s not the most boring person currently on TV. They have
a decidedly boring interview/date filled with questions like “Where do you see
yourself in five years?” Oh and they kissed. Boring.
Back
at the house, Whitney and Carly and Kaitlyn decided to clear the air with
Kelsey. I don’t really know what exactly it is about Kelsey that is so
completely obnoxious - the over-exaggerated enunciation? The unnecessarily
aggressive laughing? The constant playing of the victim card? The fact that she
says things like this? Kelsey
didn’t come here to make friends, but she’s going to need some Courtney
Robertson level charm to make this work. Frankly, Kardashley put it best.
This
week’s group date was with Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan,
leaving the first two-on-one date to Kardashley and Kelsey (more on that
later). The group happens upon an extra from Nashville and a Johnny Depp
impersonator, who I guess are better known as country music superstars Big
& Rich. Because they are in the musical Mecca of South Dakota, it
only makes sense that they will be writing and performing songs to sing to
Chris, which is not uncomfortable at all. Jade is nervous, so naturally
one of the guys (Big? Rich?) forces her to run down the street screaming “I got something to say!”
Britt, meanwhile, exerts her dominance in front of the rest of the group by
blatantly groping and kissing Chris in front of everyone else.
Unfortunately we do then have to watch the performances and it’s not
great. Chris is terrible, Britt is maybe trying to be a singer now,
Whitney’s singing voice is (almost impossibly) worse than her speaking voice,
and Kaitlyn’s rap literally used the words “touch my beaver” (Kaitlyn is my
favorite person on this show and maybe in the world at this point). Carly
required some awkwardly intimate eye contact and Jade fought through her stage
fright (probably just felt weird for her to be on a stage with her clothes on
the whole time). Later on, Chris steals away human Bratz doll Britt for a
surprise. They run off to a nearby Big & Rich show, though I’m not
sure if it counts as a concert unless they are given a platform to dance
on. Chris brings Britt onstage and gives her the group date rose,
followed by some pretty heinous dancing. Naturally, this means that all
the other women now hate her (probably since she disappeared with Chris in the
middle of their date for over an hour) and even Kaitlyn runs off crying. DRAMA!
The
lead-up to the two-on-one date is really almost better than the date.
Kardashley is coming in absolutely spewing hubris, so she will obviously get
her comeuppance. She is stoked for this date because she is certain that
she’ll be the one coming home with a rose. Kelsey's reaction to the date card was
the oddest power play I have ever seen. This is going to be good. When
they finally get out to the fabled Badlands, Ashley uses her time with Chris as
an opportunity to trash Kelsey. Yes, Kelsey is awful, but if history has
taught us nothing, it’s that nobody has ever won by talking about the other
women in the house. Add “tattle-tale” to the Ashley’s misguided list of
seduction techniques. History has also taught us that Chris does not
understand the concept of a private conversation, because he immediately tells
Kelsey everything Ashley just said to him. To be fair, Chris was not
fully aware of Kelsey’s sociopathic tendencies, but her reaction is absolutely terrifying. I had
nightmares about this moment. Because it’s been five minutes since we
last saw Kardashley crying, the waterworks start up again. How do her
giant fake eyelashes withstand this constant barrage?! Thankfully, Chris
takes this chance to send her home, which she reacts to with maturity and
dignity. Kidding! She flips out and cries and throws Britt under
the bus (whoa, pump the brakes lady!) and runs away. Kelsey’s reaction to
this is equally mature creepy.
When the producers come to take away a bag, all the ladies are in disbelief
when Ashley’s is the one taken. But Chris isn’t done! He sends home
Kelsey too! Finally Chris shows a tiny bit of backbone, and jumps back in
the helicopter, leaving both Kardashley and Kelsey to die in the Badlands with
only a deserted bed between them. When the producer returned to the room
to take away Kelsey’s bag, the rest of the ladies bid a somber farewell. Remember ladies,
Kelsey knows
where you live.
No
rose ceremony this week (is this something we’re doing now?) but a special episode
on Sunday. Probably no recap for that episode, unless someone else would
be gracious enough to step in for me while I’m on
vacation.
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